Elderly DM and niece are close as sis insisted she had pnd for first 5 years of nieces life (which coincided with my twos DC’s birth). As niece was at my mums being looked after practically every day of her life for the first 5 years. My mother was busy and had no time or interest in me or my family.
Fast forward to now my niece has stepped up her visiting again now she has left Uni and DM is in her early 80’s. Any recent gifts I have given my DM over the last few years have been relegated to the bottom of her stairs around the corner on the carpet. No photos of me or my DC’s now older teens are in my mothers living room (my DD hates her photo taken so no recent photos of us all). I asked DM about this recently and she said they have grown up and they have gone now. Yet niece is older than both my two but the photos of her are perhaps more recent. Their is a photo of my DB, my sis and several of my niece (including one with her dogs). Alongside an assortment of nieces tat presents on display with nanna or grandma on.
Just before Mothers day I stupidly naively asked my mother if she wanted to go out for lunch. I was told she would let me know nearer the time and see how she felt on the day (yet she is in good health but sometimes uses anxiety as an excuse with me). Then she said she wouldn’t bother a day or so beforehand. But on the day she contacted me to say she had been out for a coffee and a scone with sis and niece it was a last minute thing, she didn’t know anything about it as it was a nice surprise etc. Basically rubbing my nose in it.
It doesn’t matter what I try to do or whether I give my DM notice or leave it to the last min the response is the same and I am given a clear message that at best I am last reserve. It was her birthday last week and I was working in the run up to her birthday but I offered to come round and see her on her birthday or take her out for lunch on the day if she was free. A long delay followed then guess what my niece had supposedly already asked her to go out for lunch on the day of her birthday but she was just waiting to check with her boyfriend that he was definitely free and he hadn’t planned anything so that was why my mum delayed responding to me. My mum said she didn’t know where they were going or what time she would be back but she would phone me (expecting me to put my day on hold) and let me know when they were back. My niece has form for taking the pee if my mum is visiting us which is rare niece will call or visit before so my mum will be very late. Or if she knows I am visiting my DM, my niece will deliberately take my mum out in the car or round to hers so I can’t visit etc.
My invitations are casual and genuine because I want to spend time with my mum but these are more on my terms as I have been knocked back so many times. I am mad at myself for going back for more and keep hoping for a different outcome. Mad at my niece for being manipulative and mad at my mum for keeping on putting the boot in and being suckered in by my niece. But I guess my DM is enjoying playing us off against each other and only doing that because I let her.
Well done if you got to the end of this.
Any advice? I have tried speaking to my mum in the past many times but she always turns it round to I am bitter, I am jealous, she didn’t know I felt like that, she didn’t realise, it wasn’t her fault she didn’t mean anything by it and thought I might say that or think that.