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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think im pregnant and its not dp's baby :(

166 replies

imintrouble · 31/03/2008 17:05

yep i know im a terrible person but without sounding like im making excuses i was very drunk and he gave me cocaine (never took the stuff before in my life and never will again) and cannibis. it happened 3 times in one night he didnt use anything and didnt pull out. i love my dp and this would break us as well as break his heart. feel free to shout at me i deserve it. but ive had a lot of discharge, tender breasts and headaches. same as my other 3 pregnancys.

OP posts:
pukka · 02/04/2008 18:11

agree with beety.
you made a mistake. a big one, but a mistake. you shouldnt have to live your life with its consequences, and more importantly, neither should your dp.
get a termination. never tell dp.

this is a good reason why it is soo important that women have access to safe abortions.

winniethewino · 02/04/2008 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 02/04/2008 18:22

its a terribly big thing to try and do having an abortion without telling your dp

its not something which you can just do and get over and move on without a blink

i hope you arent pregnant

but surely it could be dps?

you are going to find it terribly hard having no one tyo talk to you need to find someone, some sort of counselling

and help to work out how things all went wrong

hope it works out

Alexa808 · 02/04/2008 19:12

Yes you can get over an abortion. It's your state of mind which makes the difference. An abortion is nothing to do with a late contraceptive, it's a last way out for a woman in need. 99,9% of women don't take this lightly.

How sure can you be, IIT, that your sister and that twunt are going to keep their traps shut?

I agree with most MNs here, don't tell your dp. Your heart and mind are already full of anguish and guilt. Just running for the moral highground and telling your dp is only going to cause him pain and sorrow.

If you had cheated willingly, with a view to get high and laid I'd be talking differently but as the situation stands like this it's unfair to tell your dp, just so you can relieve your guilt and possibly tear your family apart.

Get tested for STD's and STI's though and all that comes with it. Risking his life is not an option.

I hope you'll be safe and will recover.

Beetroot · 02/04/2008 20:25

It is not fair to upset your whole fmaily for a mistake.

your dp would never forgive you
Your kids woujld suffer
Live with it

Get help
Get proper help to deal with this
and help to deal withthe fact that you allowed yourself to be abvused adn to abuse yourself

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 02/04/2008 20:56

Oh, iit. How do you feel about it all, love? Are you alright? What's happening with the cousin situation, can they be trusted to keep their mouth shut? here if you need to talk x

Youcannotbeserious · 02/04/2008 21:17

I'm sorry, IIT.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/04/2008 21:26

However, would your DP want to keep the baby, on the off chance it could be his, knowing it might not be?? Would he be willing to raise the child like his own?

I think you need to tell your DP. It is not like you went out on the prowl, you were seriously taken advantage of. You were in no state to consent.

lennygrrr · 02/04/2008 21:29

well done for taking the test. Have you booked your gp/clinic. You don't want the fact that he's caught an STD to tell him...

Speak to your gp, and move forward from there. Don't be afraid to seek help. The quicker the you deal with this, the less traumatic it will be.

mummypoppins · 02/04/2008 22:12

Gosh IIT we are all rallying for you but so many confusing messages here.

Get two pieces of paper and make a list of the positives and negatives of keeping and aborting.

I always find writing things down a big help.....maybe Im just thick !

If I were you.....keep stum. Have a termination and be done with it. It will be a hard 2 weeks but us women are made of stern stuff and you will be ok with all your mumsnet friends for support.

It is not worth risking the love and care you have with your family now.

BE STRONG and remember you are in control.

slim22 · 03/04/2008 01:30

What I would do:

I would tell DP about the cheating.

I would get an abortion and NOT tell him about about the baby.

Get counselling, talk to your mum, your sister, your BF. Anyone who can be there for you in all confidence. Not DP.

What Alexa said, you can get over an abortion if you are in the right frame of mind.
The whole situation will come back to haunt you at times. But in this case it will be more a case of what an idiot you were to put yourself in that situation in the first place rather that dealing with the consequences with a cool head.

This is really one of those moments in life where you need to act like a robot and move on.
Sorry sounds harsh but you have to be strong and act now.

slim22 · 03/04/2008 01:42

That was very harsh. I was just putting myself in your situation andtrying ti keep a level head!

Sending you lots of hugs and of course we'll be here to support you in the coming weeks.

Take care of yourself.

Alexa808 · 03/04/2008 07:41

Slim22, not harsh, just a straightforward plan. I agree, we women are made of good, strong fibre and this situation needs fast damage control.

IIT, if your cousin and that guy can't keep this quiet, then you may have to say you were drugged and taken advantage of, or beyond being able to consent and think logically. Defo do not mention the pregnancy as it'll rip your dp apart. Oh I just hope it will end all right for you. I really wish you all the strength and decisiveness to pull through this.

clam · 03/04/2008 10:06

IIT might be opening a whole can of worms once she mentions possibly having been drugged and taken advantage of. Supposing DP flips his lid and takes it further? Insists on police involvement and all that that entails? As IIT seems unclear on whether lack of consent was an issue, it seems a potentially risky strategy.
Showing my ignorance here, but is there any way of finding out paternity before the baby's born? Or do you have to do DNA tests afterwards?
Either way, I send you my sympathy and suppport, IIT

nappyaddict · 03/04/2008 10:31

you can do it by amnio i think but i'm not sure how early on.

nappyaddict · 03/04/2008 10:34

it can also be done by cvs. you have to do it between 9 and 24 weeks i think.

JodieG1 · 03/04/2008 10:43

It doesn't sound like you cheated, tell dp what happened and that he took advantage of you, he will want to support you. You did not consent to sex if yuo were asdleep.

Baby could be dp's as even if he pulls out that's not safe, lots of sperm can and do come out of the penis before ejacuulation.

Excuse typos feeding ds2.

izzybiz · 03/04/2008 10:51

I agree with dizzydixies, you need to go to a family planning and sexual health clinic.

There is just as much chance of it being your Dps baby if the only contraception used is withdrawl.

I have a 15 year old Ds that is the result of the withdrawl method!

Do a test first, it may just be worry and guilt thats making you feel this way.x

izzybiz · 03/04/2008 10:54

Blimey, thread moved fast!

I think you need to tell him.

You cant possibly go through with whatever you decide and keep it all from him,

jesuswhatnext · 03/04/2008 11:19

i have no advice to add, you must be in a mental turmoil - all i can say is i feel soooooo sorry for you

clam · 03/04/2008 11:31

Some secrets are good. Not this sort though. It's too big. Awful though it seems, I think you're going to have to tell him. That will be the very worst part, but after that, the only way is up. He might understand and, eventually, forgive you and re-build. He might support you in a termination (if that is what you opt for)if he feels unable to bring up a child that might not be his, but at least then he knows what you're going through? How else could you explain the away all the stuff that goes with a termination? Or, you never know, he might agree to keep the child and make the best of it. Don't underestimate him. If as James said, this is out of character and you've had a tough time recently might he not take all that into account?

nappyaddict · 03/04/2008 11:32

if you tell dp i would not mention the word "cheat" explain to him you did not give consent to sex, you were asleep and you didn't even know what had happened until someone told you the next day. he will probably be upset and angry but not with you, with the scumbag that took advantage of you. i would not tell him you are pregnant, i would say what if i am pregnant? how will we know for sure that it's not his baby and see how he feels about it. if he says he would take the chance that its not his baby then a few days later you can tell him you did a test and got a positive result and if he says no way would he want you to have it incase it was not his then you can make a decision based on that. you can either go for the termination or for the dna testing.

3NAB · 03/04/2008 11:52

she has said she wasn't raped iirc.

slim22 · 03/04/2008 11:55

I don't understand some posts really

Play drugged abused victim to sweeten the pill when she tells DP "Oh by the way I'm pregnant too. Now it might be yours. What do you want to do about it?"

How cruel!

IIT with you with all my heart.

Maybe you should stop reading. We can't possibly know your circumstances and what sort of relationship you have with DP.

Whatever you do, just do it without delay. Take care

JodieG1 · 03/04/2008 11:57

Slim how is it sweetening it? She didn't consent to the sex, she was asleep.