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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Deleted wassap

155 replies

Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 11:40

Help needed. I'm sure my DH is up to something and I need proof.
I can see he's on wassap constantly when I'm at the office, like every 10 minutes.
Every he comes back I can see him in the car on his phone before he comes in so he's probably deleted messages because when I check his phone there's nothing from those times, if they are deleted then there's no getting then back right?

OP posts:
ScottishShortie · 17/04/2024 12:27

Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 12:19

What's pissing me off is he's online reading my messages but can't be bothered to reply to me. Yes he's talking to someone else.

This would annoy me too. This is one of those where you need to play the long game and keep your poker face on. If he thinks you’re suspicious he’ll just start hiding stuff better

MILTOBE · 17/04/2024 12:27

Just a warning if you're going to put his WhatsApp on your laptop. If you view a message before he views it, it'll show up as viewed on his phone.

You know it's an invasion of privacy. You know if you see intimate messages you will take a long time to get over it. You don't trust him. That should be enough, really.

ChateauMargaux · 17/04/2024 12:28

With Web WhatsApp - you can see the conversations and they will only show as having been read - ie the number of unread messages marker in green will disappear when you click on the conversation, that will also change the message markers to two blue ticks on the sender's device. If you do not click on the conversation, it changes nothing on the phone.

AutumnBride · 17/04/2024 12:32

I've been where you are and one of my regrets is that I don't get someone to follow him and properly investigate what he was up to. I didn't want to believe he was up to no good so I listened to his excuses for far too long.

Don't give him a chance to end things because you were suspicious, controlling, nagging or whatever line he wants to take to cover up his behaviour.

FoxRedPuppy · 17/04/2024 12:45

I have WhatsApp on my laptop open all day, so it shows me as being online, but I'm not typing or reading. That alone seems a strange reason to be suspicious. But if there are other things.

Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:04

FoxRedPuppy · 17/04/2024 12:45

I have WhatsApp on my laptop open all day, so it shows me as being online, but I'm not typing or reading. That alone seems a strange reason to be suspicious. But if there are other things.

It's only on his phone not laptop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:06

Anyone know how I can mark as unread so it would show as that on his phone, I can only seen those he'd read and more then likely deleted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:07

MILTOBE · 17/04/2024 12:27

Just a warning if you're going to put his WhatsApp on your laptop. If you view a message before he views it, it'll show up as viewed on his phone.

You know it's an invasion of privacy. You know if you see intimate messages you will take a long time to get over it. You don't trust him. That should be enough, really.

I know it's totally shit and I hate myself but my senses tell me something is going on

OP posts:
rupsky · 17/04/2024 13:07

Have you looked at the archived messages? You drag the screen down and they show in a folder!

ArghAllTheNamesAreGone · 17/04/2024 13:11

Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:06

Anyone know how I can mark as unread so it would show as that on his phone, I can only seen those he'd read and more then likely deleted.

If it's unreasonable, does it show in a preview screen?

On my phone, you can drag the unopened messages so that you can read most of it even if not all. That doesn't register as 'read'.

Tbh though, if you're at the point of seriously suspecting and would end it, I'd just read it. Denial seems to he the go to approach for them so I'd just deny all knowledge of it; deny having read it; must he a glitch on the app; don't know what you're talking about; you must have opened it and forgotten about it etc etc...

Gcsunnyside23 · 17/04/2024 13:21

I would just read them. If it's in realtime then he might get a bit confused but think he clicked on it by mistake so that's why it's read. Just don't do it continuously just to get the gist

highlo · 17/04/2024 13:28

Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 11:54

I checked who he's most contacted a while ago but it won't pick up deleted messages

If you open WhatsApp and go to send a new message it will show the top 3 most frequently contacted. I think it would keep someone as a frequent contact even if you deleted the messages?

Another tip is to check the archived folder. My exH had his chat with the OW in this folder as it stops you getting notifications popping up on your screen when you get a new message from them

Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:35

rupsky · 17/04/2024 13:07

Have you looked at the archived messages? You drag the screen down and they show in a folder!

Ah so that's where they are on an iPhone!
Mind you they'll be deleted...

OP posts:
Takethat4 · 17/04/2024 13:35

It’s a huge invasion of privacy hacking the WhatsApp?
Stop messaging him completely, he clearly doesn’t want to WhatsApp you.
Withdraw and emotionally detach from this man
Who cares who he’s messaging? What are other aspects of your relationship like?

Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:35

Takethat4 · 17/04/2024 13:35

It’s a huge invasion of privacy hacking the WhatsApp?
Stop messaging him completely, he clearly doesn’t want to WhatsApp you.
Withdraw and emotionally detach from this man
Who cares who he’s messaging? What are other aspects of your relationship like?

I care who he's messaging why wouldn't I??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:37

highlo · 17/04/2024 13:28

If you open WhatsApp and go to send a new message it will show the top 3 most frequently contacted. I think it would keep someone as a frequent contact even if you deleted the messages?

Another tip is to check the archived folder. My exH had his chat with the OW in this folder as it stops you getting notifications popping up on your screen when you get a new message from them

Show quote history

Good tips thank you...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:38

ArghAllTheNamesAreGone · 17/04/2024 13:11

If it's unreasonable, does it show in a preview screen?

On my phone, you can drag the unopened messages so that you can read most of it even if not all. That doesn't register as 'read'.

Tbh though, if you're at the point of seriously suspecting and would end it, I'd just read it. Denial seems to he the go to approach for them so I'd just deny all knowledge of it; deny having read it; must he a glitch on the app; don't know what you're talking about; you must have opened it and forgotten about it etc etc...

Show quote history

No there's no preview he's never had these on...

OP posts:
Takethat4 · 17/04/2024 13:39

What’s the worst you’ll find out, he’s cheating?
Then what are you going to do when you’ve invaded his privacy, are you really going to end it?
Is he showing any other signs of cheating?
I say let him get on with it, he’s clearly showing you what he wants to do and that’s not text you.
stop texting him completely during the day because IF he is cheating he’s going to stumble up at some point

Princesspollyyy · 17/04/2024 13:44

Takethat4 · 17/04/2024 13:39

What’s the worst you’ll find out, he’s cheating?
Then what are you going to do when you’ve invaded his privacy, are you really going to end it?
Is he showing any other signs of cheating?
I say let him get on with it, he’s clearly showing you what he wants to do and that’s not text you.
stop texting him completely during the day because IF he is cheating he’s going to stumble up at some point

Oh god why are you so worried about invading his privacy??

He's in a marriage!! What about him disrespecting his wife?? Any thoughts on that?!

Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:48

Princesspollyyy · 17/04/2024 13:44

Oh god why are you so worried about invading his privacy??

He's in a marriage!! What about him disrespecting his wife?? Any thoughts on that?!

Show quote history

Thank you x
I just feel something is off....

OP posts:
Plantmother71 · 17/04/2024 13:50

There’s an option in WhatsApp to check most contacted - it’s in settings and bring up the last three contacts. If you don’t recognise the numbers you could try taking it down and popping into your phone and it will tell you who he is contacting (user name only and it may be set to an abbreviated version). I’m not too tech savvy though so I may be wrong. Just don’t send a msg to the recipient if you’re just checking (this is the type of thing I would do by mistake). It does sound as though he’s at least receiving msgs - though it could be a group chat with friends? Or could be an archived chat in which case it only pops up when a new msg is received.

Takethat4 · 17/04/2024 13:51

Personally I think OP should starve this man off attention, no calls or texts if the issue here is he’s being disrespectful by not replying but still remaining online. He will notice the change and silence from you OP

ScottishShortie · 17/04/2024 13:53

I didn’t check my husbands phone for 14 years then felt something was off and did. Sometimes you just feel you have to as you feel you’re going insane. If I was acting dodgy and my husband felt the need to check my phone he’d find nothing there but I would be fine about it, I would be thinking oh no this isn’t like him what have I done to make him feel so insecure.
I’ve just thought….The fact it’s not password protected is a good sign actually….

Original poster
Sleepless865 · 17/04/2024 13:58

Plantmother71 · 17/04/2024 13:50

There’s an option in WhatsApp to check most contacted - it’s in settings and bring up the last three contacts. If you don’t recognise the numbers you could try taking it down and popping into your phone and it will tell you who he is contacting (user name only and it may be set to an abbreviated version). I’m not too tech savvy though so I may be wrong. Just don’t send a msg to the recipient if you’re just checking (this is the type of thing I would do by mistake). It does sound as though he’s at least receiving msgs - though it could be a group chat with friends? Or could be an archived chat in which case it only pops up when a new msg is received.

In data it doesn't show any deleted messages therefore most contacted...

OP posts:
ScottishShortie · 17/04/2024 14:01

Sorry another thought - he might have them in locked chats which is why you can’t see them but he’s getting simple notifications.

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