Really confused about everything

[squishyarms]

This is going to be long so apologies in advance!

I have been married over 10 and together with my H for 20 years. We are both early 40's. We run a business together and spend most of our time together or dealing with work issues, or talking about work. We have two DS's 11&9.

The business was DH's first but once both kids were at school full time I've been heavily involved and taken more of a front seat - customer facing. So I'm basically the face of it now. Although everyone knows he's there he does the majority of school pick ups as I'm at work the majority of the time.

During and post Covid my DH suffered with some serious depression and anxiety, which had been bubbling away for years but Covid, a family bereavement and a house move exacerbated everything and we were in a total mess. I was living on eggshells, kids were nervous around him and living on screens because I was always at work and he was often in bed. I finally went with him to the GP and he was given the meds he needed and started to recover. at this point I felt like a carer more than a partner.

I did a terrible thing when he was at rock bottom. I met someone and fell in love with them. They were like a ray of sunshine in my stressful miserable life and showed me what it was like to talk openly and they listened to me. Nothing physically happened but we spent hours texting and chatting at work and whilst I was out and about at cash and carry, cleaning etc. I had no idea but as my DH got better mentally - while he wasn't well he couldn't help it but he literally checked out of me and my life - he started to notice me on my phone more and making an effort with my appearance.

He confronted me one day and I admitted I had been talking to this person and that I felt like I loved them. Obviously he hit the roof, we had some horrific weeks/months. He got a ladder and a rope and took it to the bottom of the garden where we have a huge tree and threatened to hang himself, he smashed plates and cups and called me all sorts of horrible things. I almost said nothing during these times, I didn't have the right words, I wanted to end things. But he said the kids would hate me, I would ruin their lives, I would have to move out (we have a big mortgage), I wouldn't have a job, the whole community would hate me because I've cheated.

So I stopped talking to the other person, both I and they are heartbroken. But I can't do that to my children.

This has been since before Christmas and I can't move forward. DH drinks and vapes too much, but he says these are the things that calm him down from the stress I've caused him.

I'm miserable but he is right, I'd had nowhere to live, no job if I left, so we are stuck in this daily cycle of being pleasant to each other, which we are actually really good at, we do have a lot of the same values and we work together as a team for the kids. I have stopped having sex with him, I realised I was only doing it for him. I never actually felt the urge to do it, I just agreed when he wanted and although it was fine when we did it I was nearly always thinking about this other person.

Now he just gives me the ick, the vaping - he does it in bed and in the kitchen and all over the house. I can't ask him to stop as it's my fault he started. And when he's pissed and half asleep on the sofa he doesn't even know he's doing it but he picks his nose and eats it.

I don't even know what I'm asking. But I'm so miserable

Thank you I'll have a read later.

I have a friend in recruitment. I'll ask her.

Aw, you do need to get out. You made a mistake (and you're owning up to that), but if he can't forgive you, then you both need to move on.

I hope you come to realise that far from him being the victim, it's YOU who is being abused.
Please make sure you get what's fair in the divorce. If you can't do it for you then do it for your children. They deserve a mum who is adequately housed and can retire at least as easily as their Dad. You have put so much work into the business, you definitely shouldn't have to walk away with nothing. See a solicitor. Who cares if he knows you're there? Leave your phone in your car parked outside a supermarket or somewhere else if necessary. Take a notebook with you and write everything down.
Good luck

Thanks Hairyhat. I've spent so long feeling like the villian it's really hard to change my mindset and realise this isn't acceptable and isn't good for my kids.

He said he would live like this forever if it meant giving the kids a stable home life with both parents in it.

But this isn't a stable home for them. It's a home where they have to witness their mum being abused. If they can't formulate the words to describe it that way just now, I can guarantee they will realise it later on in their lives.
Do not let this man use your children to manipulate and abuse you. Very damaging for them. Seek out threads on Mumsnet if you can't see it yourself yet

It isn't and they are definitely picking up on things. The eldest has been a bit emotional over the last few weeks. But it's the fall out from it actually ending that I'm scared for them to witness
He says he'll tell them why it's ending, they deserve to know their mum is a cheat

They always say that! Never take responsibility themselves. You must just be there for them and later when they're older they will realise the marriage broke down a long time before AP was on the scene. If you have to defend yourself to that comment just calmly say that daddy doesn't want us to split up but I do. Nothing physical went on and you were just talking to a close friend. Also, it was over two years ago so even children will realise that the non sexual affair cannot be the reason for the split.
Him hurting them to punish you will be a short blip in their lives, them hurting and being damaged watching their dad hurt their mum over and over again is continuous and must be ended.
Make the upheaval of the split the last time he hurts them in this way. Stand up for yourself and model the type of parent you would want them to become. Don't take any more nonsense or emotional blackmail from him.
Make today the last day. Tell them yourself first. Warn them that daddy will be upset and might say some bad things about mummy (that aren't true) but that you both love them exactly the same and that will never change.

What a mess.

I cannot wait for the relief of not worrying about what lectures I'll be given at bed time.

I might be a shit wife but I'm a bloody good mum who wants the best for the kids and sanity for me.

But this is why you need counselling - you're most definitely NOT a shit wife. The marriage was destroyed by your husband. Not you. Get that out of your head. Subsequently you have spoken with another man. That was AFTER the abuse, the neglect, the manipulation and the terrible treatment. Not before. Hold your head high op and stop believing the ridiculous lies he is feeding you.

Thank you, that makes me want to cry.

His reaction and behaviour over the last 2 years have cemented in my mind it's over. He doesn't love me, he loves the idea of me and what I bring to the table. And now I'm not toeing the line he's lost it.

Nonsense. You didn’t make him vape

id get some counselling yourself before you make any moves

That's the spirit op. Keep reminding yourself that you needed someone on your side when you spoke to AP. You were being abused by someone who was supposed to be your rock, your world, your biggest supporter, the other half of your team, someone who cherished you and worshipped you for all that you brought to the marriage. Your DH was definitely not this person. Not only was he a rubbish husband, he was selfish and manipulative and abusive.
When he throws blame your way, remind him of his previous actions, tell him he destroyed your marriage by his actions a long time before AP.
You are not to blame here

As someone whose parents stayed together 'for my sake', please don't do this, children pick up on everything, and will think your relationship is the normal way to behave and be treated in one. Separating is actually what's best for them although may not feel like it at the time.

@squishyarms You need to be strong now.

You need to reframe a lot of things in your mind.

When he says you made him vape, tell him "YOU almost made me cheat". Stop tip-toeing around what happened. Own it. It's over. When you stop making it this shameful thing in your own mind, then he can't blackmail you with it.

And you can tell him too that at least you take accountability for your mistakes. Unlike him.

You are not to blame for the breakdown of this marriage. Repeat that to yourself.

It was interesting that you said he loves to be the victim. What you've done is hand him the perfect excuse to forever be a victim. (He probably would've found a way anyway.)

Remember this: He will be a victim, whether you stay or leave. Better to leave and let him be the victim all by himself.

Your thread made me really sad and I don't know why. I am really, really hoping that you get out of this marriage

@squishyarms stop listening to all his stuff, it’s mostly nonsense designed to manipulate you. Break his hold over you with all the guilt tripping - go and see a lawyer asap, knowledge is power. Make plans to do this today and escape!

I can’t do this anymore. I am not going to change. I hold my hands up and own it, that it is me that wants to leave. It is devastating for the children but If we keep things civil we will we can minimise the effect it has on them. I don’t feel like the relationship we have at the moment is healthy for anybody, the kids are clearly picking up on the tension, we have both been witness to Ted’s outbursts over the last week.

I was going to send him this. But I need to do it face to face don't I?

Why should you change? Ridiculous. Stop believing his bullshit.

He doesn’t want it to work, he wants to play the self righteous victim and have you wear a hair shirt for the rest of your days.
Kids will be fine and so will you … he’s lost control now; he’ll be the one that wishes he hadn’t turned into a sloth

As someone with similar STBEX, I find text communication a better tool, with face to face chat around it. He's less likely to go into suicide talk in writing, and has time to process, and I think it's his immaturity of response that drives your communication choice, it's fine to say it over text if you find it easier to get it out there like that. You're not saying you won't engage face to face too, but don't take all the responsibility, this is not all your fault!

You poor poor woman.
He has been controlling you and abusing you for years.
So that you don't know your arse from your elbow.
Stop listening to this abusive prick.
Forget about the friend you were emotionally invested in because that selfish prick was completely self absorbed.
He loves beating you with this bullshit.
Stop accepting it.
You NEVER had any affair.
Do not accept this.
He will try and blacken your name.
Deny it.
Don't let him have this power.
He will use it to hurt your children.

Deny everything but that the marriage and relationship is over.

Call Womens aid.
Call the police if he threatens to self harm.
Tell them he is abusive and controlling and has threatened self harm to stop you leaving.
Tell family and friends the truth.
He's an abusive pig.
You have suffered far too much at his hands for far too long.
Do not give up your part of a business you have run for years.
Do not be financially foolish.
Get good legal advice and get away from him asap.

That was extremely manipulative of him to threaten suicide. Don't be controlled by that.

Fear of what he might do to himself is not a good basis for staying in a relationship. It's more of a trap than a relationship. You can't stay for his sake when you're not happy. Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand. Do you have friends/family you can lean on for moral support?

As for what he said -
But he said the kids would hate me,
Your kids will not hate you for leaving him. They'll understand having to leave because you're unhappy - if not immediately, then in time. They've been able to see for themselves that home life is a shit show. You'd be showing them that people don't need to trap themselves in a bad relationship.

I would ruin their lives,
That's just histrionic emotional blackmail, same as the suicide threat.

I would have to move out (we have a big mortgage),
Yes. Better than staying there!

I wouldn't have a job,
You can get a job.

the whole community would hate me because I've cheated.
More histrionic bollocks. And who cares what 'the community' think anyway? That imaginary community of people who live perfect, uncomplicated lives thesmelves? Please! Half of them are probably also on MN seeking advice on escaping similarly terrible relationships.

He says he'll tell them why it's ending, they deserve to know their mum is a cheat

I'm sure your kids can see (and feel) for themselves that he's an absolute arse. Do they even like him I wonder? Keep talking to your kids and let them know that they can always ask you anything.

My husband has had an affair. I left him
for a bit (we are trying to make it work) but I did look at our children and even though I wanted to tell them one day the truth - I decided it’s not for them to know. It would damage their view of things. Maybe when they are like 40 yo.

hopefully your husband said that in the heat of the moment and with some reflection realises it’s not for their best

@squishyarms read this and memorise it! This is excellent advice - pleeeeease follow it!