Children of divorced parents - what was it really like?

[Cvn]

DH and I have been married for 13 years. We married in our mid-20s but didn't have children for a while so we now have a 3yo and a 7mo.
The marriage has been up and down basically since the start, and now we're at the point where we're living as housemates.
Our days are as follows:
I get up early with the kids, get them sorted for the day, and start the day. DH wakes up around 9am. We might exchange 2 or 3 sentences. He chats to the kids a little or plays with them for a bit, then WFH until dinner time. We eat dinner together. Occasionally it's pleasant but often he's stressed, depressed, tired, and finds the kids overstimulating, so he gets snappy with them. I find aggressive speech really intimidating so I'm on edge throughout dinner. He and I maybe exchange a few more sentences about our days or about something in the news, but we mainly talk to the kids. After dinner we tag team playing with the kids / cleaning up, then are both involved in putting the kids to bed. Both are usually asleep by 8pm. Then he goes back to work until 1 or 2am and I doom scroll in bed until I fall asleep. We used to hang out in the evenings - watch TV or sit it in the garden with a glass of wine - but he doesn't want to any more.
Sometimes we try to talk about the relationship but our resentments are so long-standing and tangled up that we can't figure out how to untangle them. Our communication and conflict styles are very different and that makes any kind of productive conversation difficult. When we married, we practiced the same faith but he has lost his along the way, and it means we now have very different values and worldviews. His faith had also provided the basis for his moral framework so our views on e.g. porn are really out of sync now. It’s all such a mess and I can't see any way out. I'm desperately lonely.
He says he's previously tried to work at the marriage and it was a waste of energy, so now he's going to prioritise his career. He's content to live as housemates and co-parent, but I'm not.
He's great with the kids, and shares the housework and life admin. He just doesn't like me very much or want to spend time with me. Mostly because he's very angry and blames me for his career not going where he wanted it to - there have been times in the past when both of us have prioritised our marriage to the detriment of our careers, but he feels very resentful of that.
If not for the kids, I'd probably call it a day. But I'm torn. They adore him. But I don't want them growing up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like. But equally I don't want them to bear the scars of divorce. They're not exposed to arguing or violence because DH and I hardly talk. I think they have a pretty happy life and feel loved by both of us.
As my friend said, if DH was a real dick, or we were fighting all the time, it would be an easy decision. But he's a generally decent guy, just the marriage has been hard and I think we're not well suited, and that's taken it's toll on both of us.
If you've managed to read this far, and if you're parents divorced when you were a child:
a) how old were you?
b) how did it affect you?
c) what did they do / could they have done to make the divorce less disruptive or upsetting for you?
Thanks in advance! 🙏🏻

12
It was awful, in myriad ways, for years
it would have been less bad if we hadn’t been expected to become a blended family after the split

I was 12
It was such a relief, suddenly not living in a house where everyone was constantly either angry or walking on egg shells. I got my parents back, just in separate houses.
I'd have preferred my Dad to live closer to my Mum rather than move 30 mins away. We'd have had more flexibility to see him more often and still have friends, hobbies etc.

I'm also divorced and I lived too far from my kids dad to make that easy and it's the one thing the kids wished we'd done differently, stayed close enough for them to move between houses under their own steam via walking, bike or bus.

My parents didn't do being in the same room as each other well which made graduation, weddings, kids birthday parties hard. We did that better and the kids know they are the most important thing

a. 7
b. Horrendous. Eventual 50/50 care agreed made me feel like I didn't have a home. Parents point scoring made things more difficult for me & my brothers than it had to be. Often had to miss social stuff with friends because parents went willing to coordinate logistics.

c. Parents staying cordial, working together for the best for the kids, not what would most upset the other parent.

My parents became cordial after about 7 years and everything got much better, obviously I was much older by then and better able up advocate for myself.

I was 8. It was an absolute fucking BLESSING, it was hell having to live with two parents who fought/with a dad who was horrible/made everything horrible. I wish my mum had got us out of there sooner, years spent living with that atmosphere absolutely destroyed my confidence, it ruined me for many, many years.

The worst bit was still being forced to go and stay with him on his days of having me.

I was an adult and I'd say that was difficult. I had to be mediator, councillor and go between. Both parents now remarried. I wasn't invited to my fathers wedding and his wife wants nothing to do with us, I have no idea why. I've tried to support both my parents. I no longer speak to my dad (his choice). I'm quite close with my mum but we do clash. I am also a parent and separated from my dcs father when they were very young. They don't know any different. (They can't remember living with their father). BUT they now have a very strained relationship with their dad as he is just an arsehole to me and to them, I now no longer encourage them a relationship with him which I believe is less detrimental to their mental health and self esteem. All depends on the parents willingness to cooperate for the children. Every situation is different.

I was a baby, it’s just always what I’ve known. I lived mostly with my mum and she had a lot of support from my grandparents and so I am/was really close to them. I spent a lot of time with my aunt and was really close to her too. I really like how close I am to my extended family and the divorce itself doesn’t bother me. I think it affected me by how much of a stranger I felt in my dad’s life. It took my mum and dad a long time to be in the same room but they’d mostly cracked it by my graduation. Before that I didn’t like them being together. They wouldn’t argue but it just felt awkward and uncomfortable.

My dad remarried when I was about 5. I didn’t like going to my dad’s, it didn’t feel like my home. I didn’t really have my toys there and he was quite far from my mum. I made friends on the street at his first one or two places but after that I didn’t really have any friends at my dads. The room I stayed in was a guest room and decorated as a guest room rather than how I wanted to decorate it (or even with input from me like at my mum’s). When I visited it was all about the activities of my half-siblings, their swimming lessons, their class parties and I was awkwardly always stood on the side with the adults. My dad and step mum would also introduce me as ‘Purple, Orange’s daughter from his first marriage’. It always felt like I was an after thought or that they didn’t want to talk to about me until I was there, so they had to clarify who I was. Surely you’d mention you had a daughter from a previous marriage before and wouldn’t need to clarify in her presence? As a teen I grew further and further apart and dropped more and more visits to my dad. My mum insisted I continued to see him, even though I didn’t like going. I’m glad she did as it has got better since I was about 20.

I’d have felt more at home at my dad’s if they lived closer together and if I had a permanent room that didn’t also double as a guest room. I’d have enjoyed going if I could have friends there and if I could have been left at home with my dad and a friend or gone to a friends rather than always having to stand on the side watching my half siblings.

I was 10 and I feel I was robbed of my childhood and innocence.

The divorce process was horrendous and I was put in the middle of it. I learned and saw things no child should know or see.

I don't thnk parents seperating is bad, as long as both parties are still on good terms and are willing divorce super amicably and co-parent with respect towards each other. That wasn't the case with my parents.

I have often wished for a time machine to go back in time as an adult, sit them both down and give them the bollocking of their lives. Tell them to get their shit together and stop this horrendous behaviour. Especially my dad. He was horrible. Absolute bastard.

My parents split when I was 8 and it was awful, their marriage was awful and their divorce more so! It really damaged me, I wish they'd done it different.

I could have written your post, my husband and I have just agreed to split for similar reason, no big nasty fall outs, just no longer work together, I'm unhappy and lonely. We have got on so well since that decision, we're really working well together to separate as nicely and fairly as possible and I'm hoping this means the impact on the kids will be less. I don't think it's divorce as such that damages kids, but the way it's done and the experiences they have before and as a result. We contemplated trying again but decided that we'd rather walk away still liking each other. I don't want my children to think this is what a relationship is, we're friends, not husband and wife. We both deserve better. Your happiness matters and your children are learning from you. Live the life you want them to live!!

I was 6.

It was horrendous. They hated each other more than they loved us and we were constantly pawns in the war. I'm late 40s now and it's still the same.

I don't have a problem with divorce, but please put the kids first if you do it. None of the situation is of their making. I'm so impressed by ex's who keep it civil and supportive.

It always felt like I was an after thought or that they didn’t want to talk to about me until I was there, so they had to clarify who I was. Surely you’d mention you had a daughter from a previous marriage before and wouldn’t need to clarify in her presence? @PurpleBananaSmoothie

This really resonated with me. It was similar with me as well. Dad eventually remarried and had another daughter. I still clearly remember one time standing by the pavement with my dad and this woman he knew walked by and said hello.
She was chatting enthusiastically with him completely blanking me (I was about 17 at the time) and my dad at some point said 'oh, Stace have you met my eldest daughter Bree?'
Queue Stace looking all shocked 'You have another daughter?! I didn't know that! You look so young to have such a grown up daughter!'
The above scenario happened a few times where people had no clue he was married before or had another child

My brother and I recently had this conversation (both mid 40s). Our parents were completely unsuited, argued constantly, dragged us into it and - even if they didn't quite hate each other - clearly had zero respect for each other. They stayed together "for the kids", finally divorcing when we were in our 20s.

We love them both and they were well intentioned. But my brother and I are unanimous. Staying together did us no favours whatsoever and just modelled dysfunctional relationships to us.

It's a joy now seeing them both happy with their respective new spouses, and extending our family to new people, different characters etc has been fab for us.

I was an adult. It was hell. I was counselor and mediator. My father expected me to follow my younger siblings custody agreement Ie “it’s my week, why are you seeing your mother?” Because I’m 29 and don’t live with you!

do it now.

The earlier the better. My parents split when I was a baby but my sister was about 6/7 and she always said it messed her up. She witnessed things like him making out with our nanny, and our parents' explosive rows. My mum had full custody thank goodness because my dad is not fit to be around kids.

I never really wondered what it'd be like to have a "proper" dad until now I'm a mum and my dh is actually a lovely, lovely husband and dad. (My mum had never seen a good father either and now she embarrassingly showers my dh with praise all the time.) Now I've seen both extremes I maintain that no dad is better than a crap one. And in my opinion a crap husband is a crap dad, it's like you're either both or neither, I reckon.

I agree with many comments above that joint custody is often the worst of both worlds from the kids' point of view. I'm so so glad we never had that

I was 4 so I have absolutely no idea about the divorce itself.
I know my parents marriage was unhappy. I have vague recollections of a few arguments / issues before they divorced.

I only really have it one sided as I stopped seeing my genetic (aka sperm donor dad as I call him) when I was 5 at the most I think.
He wasn't a nice guy, had a horrible girlfriend too at the time.

I'm glad they separated for my mums sake. And for mine and my siblings.
It allowed my mum to find someone who treated her well and chose to be a father to me and my siblings. A far better one than I think SDD would have been from what I know of him.

Your children are very young. If you and your H can be civil / amicable and manage custody without arguments etc, they wouldn't be badly affected by divorce.
But that's the unknown. They say you never really know your partner until you divorce them.

Good luck OP.

I was 10 when they finally divorced. Life was much easier afterwards. They argued most of the time and for the last year of the marriage the house was effectively split in two with my Dad living downstairs in the living room, mum and I upstairs in the bedrooms and the kitchen/bathrooms shared territory where I’d hope they wouldn’t meet. My Dad stuck his head in the sand and refused to acknowledge the divorce was happening until he was forced by the court to leave, my Mum decided to make me her confidant and told me all sorts of crap you should never tell a 10 year old. After the divorce the house was normal again, we had more money, more freedoms. Being a child in an unhappy marriage is very isolating and I couldn’t really relate to any of my friends, who either came from happy marriages or single parent families. My parents were very young when they married and shouldn’t have stayed together for as long as they did, I was pretty relaxed about my childhood until I had children myself, now I find myself resentful at what they made me put up with for so long.

The most incredible relief.

Thank you OP for posting this. I have been separated for a year, and I am really still struggling with the feeling and deep belief (i cant shake) that i am giving my kids a shoddy life. My exH is a good man however with a childlike innocence I cannot connect with. But also reliable and kind. It has left me reeling with confusion amd guilt for thr kids and him. He makes me take the lead on everything and even with this I feel wholly responsible and actually as I type I am realising that I sprt of dont like myself for this. Sorry a bit glum. My kids are 7 and 4, theyre okay but i do think they were happier before we separated and the had a better quality of life. I have no idea which is the lessor of the two evils.

I was 12.
My dad cheated, but my mum dragged me into the mess. Once we moved house my mum took it out on me. I get my dad hurt her, but she massively damaged me mentally and emotionally. She ended up bullying me. I have gotten over my dad cheating and have forgiven him, but my mum bullying me I have a scar from it and will have for the rest of my life. If anything my dad is really happy with my step mum, and from recent events and stuff I've found out with how my dad was treated by my mums family I don't blame him for leaving. I don't think he should of cheated though.

14
Bad
Crippled my self esteem, made me depressed and my relationship with my parents was changed. Abandonment issues.

But I was much older and the reason for the divorce made it so much worse.

Do it sooner rather than later imo.

I have to add, I didn't forgive my dad until I was about 22/23 years old. My mum doesn't know I've forgiven him.

Oh sorry. What would have helped?

Parent 1 not leaving and then not seeing me for months.

Parent 2 not using me as their main emotional support. Not then going out to stay with boyfriends every weekend leaving me alone.

Both - them not bitching about each other all the time, asking me about each other. Asking me if I was OK would have been nice. Some therapy and a place to talk would've worked wonders.

You can't make a decision about the right thing to do based on this thread as no two situations, or people's reaction to them are the same.

My advice is to get some therapy or counselling to help you make the right decision for you and your family. You are allowed to consider your own needs alongside those of your children. Your happiness and contentment is their happiness and contentment also.

I would also consider whether your DH is suffering from depression. It presents differently in men in my experience of it. Some of what you say about your DH resonates with my experiences of it in men. Doesn't excuse the snappiness, but may explain it.

he sounds like an absolute baby
resentful and whinging and lashing out at everyone else
get relationship therapy if you want to work on it, I’m sure you could work through it, but only if you both make an effort and it sounds like he doesn’t want to

it doesn’t matter what anyone says here about divorce, growing up with your relationship being modelled to them won’t be a picnic either. Don’t fool yourself that they don’t feel it

One might ask why did you bring the poor children into this that is the problem!