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Really confused about everything

11 replies

squishyarms · 17/04/2024 09:07

This is going to be long so apologies in advance!

I have been married over 10 and together with my H for 20 years. We are both early 40's. We run a business together and spend most of our time together or dealing with work issues, or talking about work. We have two DS's 11&9.

The business was DH's first but once both kids were at school full time I've been heavily involved and taken more of a front seat - customer facing. So I'm basically the face of it now. Although everyone knows he's there he does the majority of school pick ups as I'm at work the majority of the time.

During and post Covid my DH suffered with some serious depression and anxiety, which had been bubbling away for years but Covid, a family bereavement and a house move exacerbated everything and we were in a total mess. I was living on eggshells, kids were nervous around him and living on screens because I was always at work and he was often in bed. I finally went with him to the GP and he was given the meds he needed and started to recover. at this point I felt like a carer more than a partner.

I did a terrible thing when he was at rock bottom. I met someone and fell in love with them. They were like a ray of sunshine in my stressful miserable life and showed me what it was like to talk openly and they listened to me. Nothing physically happened but we spent hours texting and chatting at work and whilst I was out and about at cash and carry, cleaning etc. I had no idea but as my DH got better mentally - while he wasn't well he couldn't help it but he literally checked out of me and my life - he started to notice me on my phone more and making an effort with my appearance.

He confronted me one day and I admitted I had been talking to this person and that I felt like I loved them. Obviously he hit the roof, we had some horrific weeks/months. He got a ladder and a rope and took it to the bottom of the garden where we have a huge tree and threatened to hang himself, he smashed plates and cups and called me all sorts of horrible things. I almost said nothing during these times, I didn't have the right words, I wanted to end things. But he said the kids would hate me, I would ruin their lives, I would have to move out (we have a big mortgage), I wouldn't have a job, the whole community would hate me because I've cheated.

So I stopped talking to the other person, both I and they are heartbroken. But I can't do that to my children.

This has been since before Christmas and I can't move forward. DH drinks and vapes too much, but he says these are the things that calm him down from the stress I've caused him.

I'm miserable but he is right, I'd had nowhere to live, no job if I left, so we are stuck in this daily cycle of being pleasant to each other, which we are actually really good at, we do have a lot of the same values and we work together as a team for the kids. I have stopped having sex with him, I realised I was only doing it for him. I never actually felt the urge to do it, I just agreed when he wanted and although it was fine when we did it I was nearly always thinking about this other person.

Now he just gives me the ick, the vaping - he does it in bed and in the kitchen and all over the house. I can't ask him to stop as it's my fault he started. And when he's pissed and half asleep on the sofa he doesn't even know he's doing it but he picks his nose and eats it.

I don't even know what I'm asking. But I'm so miserable

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Nicebloomers · 17/04/2024 09:26

You need to speak to a lawyer. Also start looking for a job outside of the family business.

You can’t stay in a relationship because he’s threatening suicide and:punishing you. I understand he’s angry but if both of you aren’t willing to push forward with repairing the relationship then there isn’t really a choice but to live like this in misery or go ahead with splitting. The kids will be fine.

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squishyarms · 17/04/2024 13:39

Thank you for your reply. He wants to make it work, but I just can't see me ever wanting to. We just exist day to day not talking about the problems. He thinks because I don't bring anything up I am ok. Even though I've told him I'm not. What a disaster. Kids are so happy and life is hectic with football, swimming and all the clubs I can't imagine how it would even work if we were split. But that's no reason to stay is it? I'm not in love with him anymore and it's so sad but it's happened and I can't turn the clock back

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BMW6 · 17/04/2024 13:49

Your marriage is dead OP, he's in denial but both of you deserve to be happy, so the answer is to divorce.

He won't see it yet - or possibly ever- but threats of suicide shouldn't stop you from ending this. That's just emotional blackmail.

Your kids will be OK when the dust settles.

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squishyarms · 17/04/2024 20:47

The emotional blackmail really stops me from doing anything, I feel trapped. He says the kids are more likely to become offenders or end up in prison and also that he doesn't think he'd cope ok on his own (he's actually a brilliant dad)

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fromaytobe · 17/04/2024 21:17

squishyarms · 17/04/2024 20:47

Blackmail is right. Millions of children have parents who end their relationships and go on to find new ones. All those millions of children are not going to end up in prison.

You feel trapped because he is trapping you.

The business - who owns it? Is it his business with you as an employee, or do you part-own it?