Dating a man 14 years senior with 4 children, but struggling with red flags more than the age gap

[Vema]

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children (age 16~25, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 from his 2nd one). I am divorced with no kids. 

According to him, 1st marriage happened when he was young (22 or something) and lasted for only 7 months (had kids first) reason being that “it was the right thing to do”, but they did produce 2 kids together.. He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet). He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.
He’s been really loving and generous but I have seen a few red flags so far (caught him lying to me, angry with random because he was in a bad mood etc).

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair. The fact that he tried to justify (it really is what it is all about) his own doing concerns me such an awful lot, and makes me worry that he’d do the same in the future whenever he deems that I am not being “supportive enough”.. Together with a few other red flags that I have noticed thus far, I feel that I struggle to trust him deep down.

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

We are all very happy during the honeymoon stage but I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

[millymoo1202]

Run is my advice

[ImCamembertTheBigCheese]

I'd be running for the hills 🚩

[Sandwichblock]

So he was cheating with you and had you believing he was divorced?. That alone would have me running for the hills. He absolutely will do that again, it sounds like he's done it before too.

Plus you're right about all the other stuff.

Also, what are you thinking about children? Don't have them with him!

[EpicAlice]

Why would you settle for this?

[betterangels]

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

This is the realist in you talking. I would listen.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Honestly, @Vema, he's not going to change. There are too many red flags here, and you deserve so much better.

[QueenofTheBorg]

He's a liar, leave him. You know this really!

[neilyoungismyhero]

Nor sure what possessed you to get involved with a person with so much baggage.
Twice married
Multiple affairs
4 children involved
Age difference
Cheated with you and left his family for you.
Moody git
Court issues re. Divorce
Sounds like a match made in heaven.

[Nicebloomers]

He’s a serial cheat. Why on earth would you get into a relationship with one?

[MetaDaughter]

The only thing this relationship has going for it is that they aren’t small children he’s expecting you to mother …

But he appears to enjoy producing children to walk out on - so I would be extra careful with contraception unless you’re desperate to become another piece of his car crash life …

[SamW98]

So he’s a liar and a cheat with more baggage than Gatwick?

In you shoes I’d be running faster than Usain Bolt away from this one.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

OP, would you go swimming at a beach with this many red flags flying?

A good relationship has NO red flags.

[CurlewKate]

People don't change.

[Peonies12]

Please get out now. People don’t change that much. And please don’t even consider a child with this man.

[BaconCozzers]

You serious op? Get RUNNING!

[Vema]

Thanks to everyone who took your time to answer this.

First of all, I know you all wonder why him?? Well.. call it love bombing I guess. He was the best lover I had when we firstly started - extremely caring, loving, affectionate, great sex, generous (always pay for everything when we date, not that I need it because I am independant with a good career), successful in what he did (a good career), charming, confident... you name it. And he really tried hard to make me believe that he was different with me and would never do anything to hurt me. It was convincible.

I think I actually have my answer already but whenever I think of the good times, it does hurt to let go, but I know I NEED to.
Your comments do contribute greatly to my decision making power. I need it. For that, thanks to all of you again.

[Hoppinggreen]

Chances are he will cheat on you at some point so spare yourself the pain and dump him now

[Hellsmells]

Chances are he's cheated on you already.

[Seaoftroubles]

'The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.'
It's not looking good is it OP?

[fromaytobe]

He's a serial cheat.

That alone is enough of a red flag, surely?

[Dacadactyl]

I wouldn't bother. This has disaster written all over it.

[Geebray]

Red flags ALL OVER this!!! Run OP, you are far too young to saddle yourself with a serial cheat who blames women for his actions.

[Geebray]

There's a phrase you need to know:

If he did it with you, he'll do it to you

[BarrelOfOtters]

Going out with a younger women is stoking his ego and he is probably already eyeing up the next woman to make pregnant, listen to his stories, do things his way.

Don't have a baby with him.

Don't fall for a serial cheater now matter how charming he is, he won't change.

I bet your family and friends are rolling their eyes.

It was fun, now run.

[PoppingTomorrow]

Not one, but several red flags. Why are you sticking around?