Dating a man 14 years senior with 4 children, but struggling with red flags more than the age gap

[Vema]

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children (age 16~25, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 from his 2nd one). I am divorced with no kids.

According to him, 1st marriage happened when he was young (22 or something) and lasted for only 7 months (had kids first) reason being that “it was the right thing to do”, but they did produce 2 kids together.. He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet). He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.
He’s been really loving and generous but I have seen a few red flags so far (caught him lying to me, angry with random because he was in a bad mood etc).

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair. The fact that he tried to justify (it really is what it is all about) his own doing concerns me such an awful lot, and makes me worry that he’d do the same in the future whenever he deems that I am not being “supportive enough”.. Together with a few other red flags that I have noticed thus far, I feel that I struggle to trust him deep down.

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

We are all very happy during the honeymoon stage but I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

I think you sound like a smart cookie op.
You don't need permission to trust your gut from us!

But if I were you, I would.

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children

Do you want kids?

You're still more than young enough.

He'd be a shit prospect to father your kids for several reasons;

He's nearly 50.

Older men on average take longer to get women pregnant, their partners are more likely to miscarry, abnormalities are more common, autism is much much higher, other disorders and issues are also increasingly higher.

You don't want two sets of aging genetic material, you want to keep both as young as possible.

He already has to pay for four kids in two households. Kids cost a lot. Even when they're young adults decent parents are paying for things and contributing to things for them. Your kids would be getting one fifth (and if you had two) one sixth of what they could be getting ... ongoing, including inheritance (if split equally. ).

He's nearly 50. How much longer is he going to work, how is he going to co afford uni fees etc for more children. He'd be nearly 70 by the time they're 20, even if you got pregnant this minute.

He's a serial cheat and monkey brancher.

He's supposedly changed/learned but he hasn't; because he monkey branched to you and lied to you to do so.

You're absolutely throwing yourself away/selling yourself short - wasting you time with a man nearly a generation older than you.

He must think he's the dog bollocks; a twice divorced, washed up, father of 4 kids .... Pulling a 34 yr old with no kids.

He's nearly 15 years older with a tonne of baggage and a beyond shitty relationship track record .... Stop selling yourself so short.

Honestly, I e net these type of guys ... They have a good line of blarney, a bit of charisma and such entitlement - they convince younger women they're a valid choice. But they're punching way above their weight with you and you can do better.

34, with no kids yet, and no doubt attractive (otherwise he'd not have been after you) .....

FFS keep looking. This is nothing but a waste of your time, youth and prospects.

Forgot to say; if the relationship went anywhere, you'd be a stepmother to two sets of kids ..and step motherhood is often no walk in the park.

Ime it goes well - ish to begin with, in the honeymoon period, but see how it pans out over time. Your life would be so so much more unnecessarily complicated and stress filled than if you got with a man with no kids yet like yourself, (or even one or two children by one mother would be preferable to this situation)

That's not even getting on to his serial cheat, dishonest etc behaviour.

He's a type, and it fits with his type that he's gone for a significantly younger woman.

(Have you thought about how selfish he is pursuing you and getting involved with you in the first place; you have no kids, most people would like kids, he has 4 (!) already by two mothers?? ..... Anyone sensible or decent would be thinking that at nearly 50 they should partner up with women who've already had their kids too, instead of chasing and tying up a significantly younger woman who will either have to forgo having kids of her own ... or have his fifth, sixth etc kids (by the third mother).

If he's not wealthy, he's offering her and any potential kids a financially bum deal, he's offering them a complicated setup filled with older half siblings from.broken homes (homes he broke), he's offering them an older father (and older grandparents), he's offering them a Dad with a shit track record in marriage etc.

But he doesn't care/doesn't have any decency or sense about any of that.
He's just gone after what he fancies, what he wants Still irresponsible, still selfish, still thoughtless (at best) and rash.

Run
The Fuck
Away

Head for the hills. There's more red flags here than a Chinese Communist Party rally..

From the outside looking in, what strikes me is your age. At 34, it would seem best to only stay with this man if he is so much desired and wanted by you that you don’t want to consider any other options for your life.
If you don’t love him so much you feel you have to be with him regardless of issues, then move on.
it sounds like you have concerns and there are problems, in particular with his honesty and fidelity…
At 34 you have plenty of options in terms of how you form your life, re jobs location lovers/ partner, potentially children if you want. If you stay with this man I think it’s likely most of your circumstances in future will be dictated by his preferences and arrangements and his age 14 years older than you. Is he really worth giving up your freedom for?

He sounds like my BIL, who's just in the process of leaving wife no 4 . Unfortunately it's her fault as well. 🤔

I have no sympathy for her. He cheated on wife no 3 with her, so she knew what to expect.

What I don't understand op, is why your standards are so low? Even without the cheating, a much older man with all that baggage. Is that the best you can do?

At the risk of going against the grain and having the vipers do their best, many of the answers here are simplistic and do not take into account the fact that he may be perfect for you.

Did you consider the possibility that his past sexual history is in the past and that people evolve and mature over the course of their lives. He may be at a phase where he is content to live a quiet life with one woman he is in love with.

You may just be throwing away a chance at true happiness.

Did you consider the possibility that his past sexual history is in the past

Everything is in the past!

The only way we can figure out whether to trust someone in the future is to look at their past.

Regardless of his past sexual history I would never get involved with a man with 4 children. Way too much work.

he may be perfect for you

He looks very far from perfect for anyone, let alone a significantly younger woman with no kids yet.

You may just be throwing away a chance at true happiness

Or she may be tying herself into an inferior, shitty situation with a significantly older man and four step children, before she even gets to having kids of her own.

She could equally be throwing away her
chance of happiness by settling for the shit show that is him.

Did you consider the possibility that his past sexual history is in the past

Sexual history..... It's a bit more than that! It's his relationship history.

Two failed marriages , cheated on his wife with his next partner in one, and now something similar to op.
Cheated 3 times while with one wife.

He's a serial cheat and monkey brancher.

That's not "sexual history".

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Or do you think he's going to become a changed man for op... Maybe he's past all the cheating and disorder now he's nearly 50?
I wouldn't be taking that chance. A 48 yr old man has plenty of gas left in the tank for that sort of behaviour. I wouldn't like to see op's position in a few years if she had a kid of two with him as well. And her kids are statistically more likely to be on the spectrum with a father over 40, to make life even harder for her.

Anyway, he's a walking cliché.

Twice divorced so far. Kids with more tha one mother, cheater, now goes for significantly younger women. You don't want to tie yourself to a man like this.

The op would be throwing herself away on him.

She's young, child free and should keep looking.

He may be at a phase where he is content to live a quiet life with one woman he is in love with.

A quiet life with 4 kids from previous relationships and how ever many he'd have with op?

Lol

And some men might be like this, plenty of others are not. As I said, a 48 yr old has plenty of scope for more of the same.

And why should op take older, washed up, serial cheat, leftovers in life??!!

She's only 34, no kids, probably attractive (men like that don't usually go for women who aren't), probably an alright job. Why should she take a bum deal like him.

He'll be past retirement age by the time big costs for kids come into play (uni fees, gap years, cars, house deposits). She could have someone closer to her age who doesn't have four kids already as her co parent.

(And preferably a man who doesn't have a history of cheating and marriage failures).

It's not his "history", though. It's his present. He was unfaithful to his current wife with the OP.

It's a pattern OP. Don't mix yourself up in his drama!

having the vipers do their best

Ah yeah, anyone who disagrees with your shitty - unicorn and rainbows - advice is a "viper".

I'll happily be a viper if it means counter balancing your bizarre viewpoint.

Why you would want to do that to another woman is beyond me ... But then maybe you're a man.

There's more red flags than at Stalin's funeral!!!!!

Run, run now, run fast and run a long way.

Massive age gap
Okay with cheating
Run. Life is too short for this

He's a middle aged serial cheat with four children from two women he cheated on. Are you the next sucker? Put this man in the bin and move on.

He was cheating with her on his wife and she’s said he’s been caught lying to her already so he hardly sounds like a leopard that’s changed it’s spots tbh

Just bow out now before you get dumped for the next one. He made you the other woman, his wife didn't do that and that fact alone that he blames her shows he takes no responsibility for his shitty actions

@User893432374902zzx (inventive name)

Even if this guy has reformed, he’s still got four kids whose lives he tore apart, at least one of whom is closer to OP in age than he is.

That would be too much baggage for me without anything else.

This.

Find a man with less baggage while you have time to build your own family.

Tbh everything else asside, I couldn't imagine dating a 48 year old at 34. I'd be more likely to date someone hus 25 year old sons age than forty fecken eight. I mean I dunno, maybe he's in excellent shape for his age but...even without the red flags it would be a no from me.

Stay with him. Sounds like you deserve each other.