Dating a man 14 years senior with 4 children, but struggling with red flags more than the age gap

[Vema]

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children (age 16~25, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 from his 2nd one). I am divorced with no kids.

According to him, 1st marriage happened when he was young (22 or something) and lasted for only 7 months (had kids first) reason being that “it was the right thing to do”, but they did produce 2 kids together.. He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet). He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.
He’s been really loving and generous but I have seen a few red flags so far (caught him lying to me, angry with random because he was in a bad mood etc).

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair. The fact that he tried to justify (it really is what it is all about) his own doing concerns me such an awful lot, and makes me worry that he’d do the same in the future whenever he deems that I am not being “supportive enough”.. Together with a few other red flags that I have noticed thus far, I feel that I struggle to trust him deep down.

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

We are all very happy during the honeymoon stage but I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

That's what I came on to say - along with the fact that he's never to blame for anything. It'll be your fault he cheats on you before you know it.

A serial cheat. A man who has stolen his wives (plural) right to informed sexual consent, (and who knows how many other women) a man who has gaslighted and manipulated, a man who has stolen women’s personal agency, a man who has put women at risk sexually, mentally and emotionally.

What a creep!

That’s quite some history OP, you can do a lot better I am sure.

wandering cock syndrome! 🤣 brilliant, made me laugh out loud not heard that expression before.

OP - I am around his age - but even I won't go for the man you described.
Or any man who'd blame his exes for the failure of his two marriages, and his affairs.

And at your age - why would you settle for this?

You don't mention kids - but you are still at the age where you could have them if you so chose. But with a 48yo father of 4?? Not really great even if everything else were not a screaming red flag.

OP, people can change, that's true, but he is demonstrating you that he didn't. He lied you when you were you meet him, is lying to you now and will keep on doing it in the future.

Hell yes, me too. OP more red flags than you could possibly know what to do with. Surely you can do better. You certainly deserve better.

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy"

He is not a good long term prospect. He will be fucking around again before too long. No fault of yours, any more than it was his poor wife's fault. He's the issue.

He sounds like one of those people who like the honeymoon phase of a relationship - all new and exciting. The romance, the dates, new conversational topics, both parties trying hard but probably not living together. As soon as real life gets in the way of this - sick kids, bickering over whose turn it is to take out the rubbish, the conversation topics get old, etc - he’s off.

I’d head for the hills.

First of all, I know you all wonder why him??

Im not even at the "w" stage of the word "wonder".

Leave him and work on your low self-esteem and poor boundaries to pinpoint why you got with this type of man in the 1st place. If you stay it's chaos and drama all the way but I suppose its ok if you like all that. Different folks different strokes.

Everything he has said to you, he said to the first two. How do you think he is so smooth? Practice! He has found a winning formula and he knows it works.

You're sensible enough to be warned off by the red flags.

I suspect he's one of those that likes/ needs new and sparkly, who blames everyone else for his shortcomings and is looking for financial, nurse maid support and a young bit of candy on his arm in his advancing years. I suspect your confidence, independence, successful spirit. has attracted him even if only subconsciously.

He is not serious relationship material. Be brave, bite the bullet and do what you know you need to do.

If he did it with you he will do it to you, run

Hope you have already ditched this horrible man, OP! If not, then the next best time is NOW. 🚩

It sounds like there was some good times but you deserve better op, you really do.

You actually sound like you usually have your head screwed on. You know how this will play out.

I think when you date divorced men it’s really helpful to talk about the breakdown of their relationship. If he takes no accountability and has learnt nothing from it I’d run!

I like to do the devil’s advocate thing just for balance. Just possibly he has changed and realised he has been a terrible person and he’s now ready to commit and be wonderful to you for the rest of your lives.
But even if that incredibly unlikely scenario was true he has ALREADY LIED TO YOU. And he’s a bit too old for you to throw away your youth on.

Run.
You are not going to get the best from a man who is almost 50.
He is slowing down, they like to nap. A lot. Your life will revolve aeound his naps.
They are set in their ways. You cannot change his mind on anything.
He has loads of baggage.
Run
Run
Run a bit further

He sounds awful.

Wow. I think you need to wonder why you even need to ask.
He sounds a nasty cunt.
Charming is always a massive red flag but the rest of it is there for all to see.

Whoa those are some massive red flags smacking you right in the face.
Get out, this man is not partner material.

@Stripeytig Your whole post is great but I particularly liked this advice:

If they try to start talking about how hard their marriages or children are look out of the window 😂

It's so evocative. Like a scene from a music video or something!

@OP - do this! ⬆️

I mean this in the nicest possible way,you need some self worth and he is not it.he blamed his wife for his cheating he can't take responsibility for his own actions and tries to blame others that is one huge flag.

Please realise your worth and kick this one to the kerb,he will destroy what little you have left,please listen to the advice of the above posts

He's not a keeper. A relationship with him will not be happy. You have recognised the red flags now ffs act on them and get rid. Nasty men are able to fake nice for a bit so of course things are good at first. When you see the red flags you get yourself out of there.

He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet)

You need your head checked.

He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.

I'm seeing little evidence of that. There is no change in his MO.