Dating a man 14 years senior with 4 children, but struggling with red flags more than the age gap

[Vema]

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children (age 16~25, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 from his 2nd one). I am divorced with no kids.

According to him, 1st marriage happened when he was young (22 or something) and lasted for only 7 months (had kids first) reason being that “it was the right thing to do”, but they did produce 2 kids together.. He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet). He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.
He’s been really loving and generous but I have seen a few red flags so far (caught him lying to me, angry with random because he was in a bad mood etc).

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair. The fact that he tried to justify (it really is what it is all about) his own doing concerns me such an awful lot, and makes me worry that he’d do the same in the future whenever he deems that I am not being “supportive enough”.. Together with a few other red flags that I have noticed thus far, I feel that I struggle to trust him deep down.

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

We are all very happy during the honeymoon stage but I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

You can do better.

Op, if giving him a chance is due to an apparent lack of opportunities with men around your own age; you need to focus and put a lot of energy into finding opportunities to meet men around your age.

(Preferably who are not twice divorced cheats with kids by more than one Mum, who've lied to you about their relationship status)

You need to change and expand your social circle through any means possible and keep doing so , until you're meeting some decent prospects. Sports, hobbies, classes, courses, meet up, gigs, park run, speed dating. You can try OLD with a thick skin and very strong boundaries, but don't let it be your only dating strategy. Anything at all you think the sort of man you'd be interested in would be doing.

Men can be found in tennis lessons and clubs, sailing, kayaking, hiking, bouldering/climbing, classes that men would be interested in, theory sailing/yachting courses and the usual out for a drink scenario etc.

My acquaintance met her partner through meetup in Germany.
A sister of an acquaintance met her partner through speed dating (he wanted kids soon and so did she, she was late 40s and him 40, they had a son quite quickly,).
My aunt has met two partners through country gigs in rural hotels (she's older)etc etc.
There were two single guys at a kayaking club I went to.

If you have to.change location - within the UK or elsewhere - take a secondment to do it, maybe you try that.

Don't settle for the likes of this, due to lack of opportunities.

*she was late 30s

Please end things today.

This man is not good enough for you. Others have pointed out why.

Don't make more of it to yourself than you need to, he pretended to be someone he wasn't at the start of the relationship to get a woman interested. It happens. You know who he is now and it isn't worth breaking your heart over.

You don't say whether you want your own family but if you do, certainly don't waste more time on this man. There will be someone much better out there. If you want kids and are in your 30s would suggest looking for men without their own children already, not to mention 4. Not saying generally don't date parents. It's just a layer of added time and external complication specifically when you don't need those things.

Happy to be called a viper for calling out this kind of behaviour.

Affairs are seen as abusive. The cheat in an affair is abusing the betrayed partner. They are knowingly causing them harm: risk of STIs, life choices removed, right to informed sexual consent removed, gas lighting and repeated lying, minimising I could go on, the list is endless.

After one affair, cheats would see the damage they cause, any reasonable empathic human being would be put off cheating again after that! It takes a nasty kind of person to repeat that behaviour.

It’s not about this ‘poor sausage’ being unhappy, it’s about deep rooted issues which have led to a selfishness and entitlement at his absolute core. He is utterly unsafe for anyone. There are studies out there on the damage to the brain after years of lying and it’ causes significant harm to the brain. And if he did decide to change it would take years and be a HUGE risk for the partner willing to stick with him, potentially wasting her life away.

Why on earth would you suggest that that risk may be worth it to a 34 year old, ffs?!!!

It simply is not.

Thank you for your very detailed response(s). I really appreciate it that you, together with everyone who have taken your time to try to help me with my messy relationship issues..

I ended it for good.

It's tough but I believe it is the right thing to do before it's too late or getting too nasty.. I wish I could see certain things earlier and had the gut to pull the trigger sooner, but it's been a lesson learnt.

A few comments regarding children - yes I do want to have kids at some point in life (not in a rush). Sometimes the thought of it that he'd "done it all" really put me off. I really would much prefer to experience all these very special life moments with my partner knowing it is special in the same way for both of us.
Also about his ex marriages, he didn't tell me that the kids were with 2 different mums until after we slept together. I thought he was married only one time at the beginning for quite a while.
Thinking back now, there were many times when he didn't respect my boundaries, e.g. he'd get upset when I spent time doing my own things rather than spending time with him. He was annoyed he wasn't "always" my priority.
Regarding his children, he emphasised all the time that they were all "adults", which made me feel perhaps they weren't that much of a "baggage" and he would prioritise "our" future family.
The list goes on..
Interestingly someone mentioned "narcissist". I've done lots of reading on this lately and started to realise that he definitely has the great potential qualifying as one, if not already is one.
I fell for his charismatic personality, his caring and loving character, of course all his version of his past & how he'd leant and changed.. when I just got out of a divorce with my school sweet heart (we fell apart as we grew, there was no infidelity).
Sigh.. I finally got to realise that I was "taken advantage of" by an experienced older man who knew how to play his charm.
I am far from perfect myself but I constantly reflect on myself and what I leant from my past. I could have been a better lover to my ex in many ways. I wished that this older man were in the same shoes but he never truly once demonstrated any regret of what he'd done wrong, or whether he'd done anything wrong at all.

Again I wish all of you happiness in life xx

Well done OP!

If having children is important to you then you're leaving it a bit late to be 'not in a rush.....'

Well done OP! This one was not a keeper for so many reasons beyond the cheating too.

Men like him keep going from woman to woman until eventually they're too old and unattractive for their superficial charm to attract another one. When that happens, whichever woman has the misfortune to be their partner at the time wins the dubious honour of looking after them in their old age. Your man is at the age when it could have gone either way. He might have managed to squeeze in one final affair and leave you, or you might have ended up landed with him. I'm so glad that you've sensibly decided to avoid both these eventualities.

Honestly, I know it’s hard but you’ll look back and feel nothing but relief! Onwards and upwards to someone worthy of you!

I actually always thought I was childfree, until lately I feel perhaps I shouldn't rule it out completely, but it very much depends on the partner I'll be with and the foundation of building the family.
Biologically I wish I were a man so it wouldn't make as much of a difference as it does for me lol.
Thank you for your advice :)

That's actually such a sharp and practical point. Thank you!

Wow, aren't you nice?

Take it from me. End it. 15 year gap for me. So much drama around him. Cheated on his ex and very dishonest. Rubbish with his finances and moody and abusive on and off. Its not worth it x

She has. About 6 posts above your post.

This man has a clear pattern. He gets married, gets bored, has an affair, then leaves wife for woman he's having an affair with. This being said he's probably having multiple affairs. He's done it twice and WILL do it again.

Once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat.

You have caught him lying to you…and the grumpy moodiness.

Nope, not good.

Blaming anyone else but himself for actual infidelity is despicable.

And if you want kids do you really want them to have 4 half siblings in a complicated set up? With a Dad who juggles two lots of offspring?

If you don’t want kids do you really want to deal with a lifetime of family events involving a complicated family set up?

I do want kids at some point I think..

It has been nearly 2 weeks now since I ended things with him. I do miss him such an awful lot but my mind keeps telling me that I have made the right decision.

Letting go of someone whom you thought was your love is pain, but I've read all the comments thoroughly which only prove my gut feeling further right, that it wasn't worth it.

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair.

How? Did she put a gun to his head and say "Have an affair"

He may think women are terminally stupid when they listen to theat shit, but hopefully you are not!!