Dating a man 14 years senior with 4 children, but struggling with red flags more than the age gap

[Vema]

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children (age 16~25, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 from his 2nd one). I am divorced with no kids.

According to him, 1st marriage happened when he was young (22 or something) and lasted for only 7 months (had kids first) reason being that “it was the right thing to do”, but they did produce 2 kids together.. He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet). He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.
He’s been really loving and generous but I have seen a few red flags so far (caught him lying to me, angry with random because he was in a bad mood etc).

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair. The fact that he tried to justify (it really is what it is all about) his own doing concerns me such an awful lot, and makes me worry that he’d do the same in the future whenever he deems that I am not being “supportive enough”.. Together with a few other red flags that I have noticed thus far, I feel that I struggle to trust him deep down.

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

We are all very happy during the honeymoon stage but I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

WHAT on EARTH are you THINKING?

Baggage??

An entire warehouse full of dodgy sacks and binliners full of dubious crap, more like.

For god's sake don't get pregnant.

You can do better

Run. Away. Fast.
Waay too old for you and so many red flags.

It's not a terrible thing to say that he has baggage! Hes already cheated on you as he lied about being single. This man will bring you so much grief and hassle. It's time to find someone better

Are you on speaking terms with the two exes?

A glass/crate of wine and a frank conversation about their experiences with him may be the cold dose of reality you need.

Are you younger than number two?

Is she younger than number one?

He did it to number one with number two.

He did it to number two with number three.

Guess what.

Why are you being so stupid?

You know dating this red flag is beyond ridiculous. Nothing good can come from it.

He has enough baggage for an Airbus 320! All those children would do my head in.

Run, I could never knowingly be with a man who cheats or has cheated. He's showing true colours already with his red flags! 🚩🚩🚩

DO.NOT.GET.PREGNANT.

Typical narc love bombing! I bet someone else has said this too...

I wouldn’t worry too much about the age gap - my second DH was 14 years older than me, we loved each other to bits, and he died last year, after well over 20 happy years together..

The rest of it would make me think.😗

Sounds like a nightmare situation. Run for the hills!

Sounds like a right catch 🙄

Well aside from the multitude of massive red flags - do you want children op? Because if so he’s far too old for you. Even if you got pregnant in the next couple of years he’ll be pushing 60 when the child is still in primary school!

Plus, considering he’s been a pretty piss-poor df to his other offspring and unable to stick around with their dm’s once a “better” offer has come along I wouldn’t count on him being a good dad to any children you have with him either.

You say he’s lovely, charismatic, good in bed etc but just remember his ex-wives & lovers thought that about him too - before they were dumped for the next one.

Also, it’s doubtful he’s telling the truth about his exes and also the amount of extra-curricular sex he had - they will always minimise it - he’s probably only told you a bit about what he’s been up to because he was worried his DW would get to you first!

I'm reasonably similar in life stage to you OP.

Men at this life stage, older with kids are absolutely OBSESSED with getting younger childfree women to take their baggage on.

Dating and meeting new people can be tough.

Life can be lonely and it is challenging meeting ok men, or even friends who are keen to spend time with me.

I'm childfree by choice so no rush really.

But all the chasing, obsessing, pursuing, desperate, love-bombing "I want to be your friend" behaviour is from this group. Older, broken relationships, and children.

It's because they know if they get a younger, childfree woman committing to them it's like winning the lottery.

Even if they have a good job, they want the younger woman to start blending into their kids so she can start paying for them.

Two years in and the woman will be looking after the children and they'll do anything to keep her trapped.

All her decisions will have to be "to support the children".

If you have a good job start enjoying planning your future and putting yourself first.

As a childfree woman, you have to stay away from men like this and build different social circles.

Don't even be friends with them. If they try to start talking about how hard their marriages or children are look out of the window (they'll probably get angry but who cares).

They're extra nice and treat you well because they're trying to recruit you for the job of housekeeper/nanny/eventual carer.

You'll have to work to bring in money too, of course! You won't just be unpaid you'll be paying to do this job...

And he really tried hard to make me believe that he was different with me and would never do anything to hurt me. It was convincible.

But, with all due respect, you’re not that special. Nobody is. Why you? What is it about you that will make him ‘change’? This always smacks of arrogance: I changed that Bad Boy.

You won’t change him. No woman in the world can change him.

I stopped reading at "cheated on her 3 times"

Don't walk - run - the hills are that way

He's disloyal and untrustworthy.

Leave.

All the baggage just makes it more urgent.

OMG, you have no kids and he has more baggage than a Sherpa. Just run. He sounds pretty shit too - a lying immature cheat. Not a catch.

"Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work."
A very sensible outlook. But I would question if it is even love. He lovebombed you, which invariably means he presented a false self to you. Whoever you fell for, it wasn't the man he actually is. As time passes and his mask slips, you are seeing the actual man - and his accompanying red flags. If you 'love', that love is an illusion. Sorry.

@Vema I think your thread is the third one I've read on MN today where the Op knew the truth, knew what they needed to do but wanted MN to confirm it for them. Well, I think it's confirmed, you need this man like a fish needs a bike- go and get on with having a happy life and don't let him try to talk you round. And forget the conditioning to be nice and kind and helpful like a good girl and put other people first because that's why you have that little voice of doubt in your head

Just end it. There's too much going on at once here. If it were just the age gap or just one of those red flags you might give it a bit of time... but all together? Nah. Its a waste of your time. He seems shady.

My advice would be don't be my mum and think you can change him. My father claimed to be "separated not divorced" and told her the paperwork was just dragging, but in fact he had moved his wife and two kids with him to his new job location, where he met my mother and fed her this bullshit. She found out too late, and didn't back out of the wedding. Twenty years later he left her for a student who was three years older than us, but not before shagging one of my friends from school who was also a student of his. They do not change...I loved him very much, but the fact he died alone was due to his own tragic folly. Run away, or he'll break your heart.

he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair
🤯
So his ex made him shag someone else? Did she hold a knife to his throat?

I think you have your answer as you've already said.
Wishing you luck with the rest 💐

So he left 1 woman for next, cheated 3 times then her for the next - you.

When a man marries his mistress- I hate that word- he creates a vacancy.

Don’t wait around for him to leave you for the next one.