Dating a man 14 years senior with 4 children, but struggling with red flags more than the age gap

[Vema]

I am 34 and he’s 48 with 4 children (age 16~25, 2 from his 1st marriage and 2 from his 2nd one). I am divorced with no kids.

According to him, 1st marriage happened when he was young (22 or something) and lasted for only 7 months (had kids first) reason being that “it was the right thing to do”, but they did produce 2 kids together.. He also left her for his second wife whom he was married to for 20 years (cheated on her 3 times). Then he met me and left her for me (I didn’t know he wasn’t fully divorced yet). He’s been saying that he learnt as he grows older and people change.
He’s been really loving and generous but I have seen a few red flags so far (caught him lying to me, angry with random because he was in a bad mood etc).

It does give me a bad feeling when he insists that his ex is to blame for his 2nd affair. The fact that he tried to justify (it really is what it is all about) his own doing concerns me such an awful lot, and makes me worry that he’d do the same in the future whenever he deems that I am not being “supportive enough”.. Together with a few other red flags that I have noticed thus far, I feel that I struggle to trust him deep down.

Lastly, this may sound incredibly mean, but his still ongoing legal fight with his ex, and the 4 children from his previous marriages sometimes hit me that these are just way too much “baggage”, or potential trigger for misery in the future..

We are all very happy during the honeymoon stage but I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

He's a cheat, he will cheat on you too. Do you want children? Find someone closer in age with you, you can do far better than this.

You're only 34. Find someone who is on a similar playing field to experience new things together with.

He's already done those things and git the t shirts.

Yes he may be nice to be alone with but do t waste the last few years of your youth with with someone who's already sailed those waters.

Oh wow I got to the first bit and just thought no. Goodness me you’re in the prime of your life what on EARTH are you doing wasting your time with this one?!! Throw him back.

Jesus Christ. This man must have a golden penis.

Is the fact that he left his first wife for the second, and then left the second wife for you (which he wasn't honest with you about either), enough of a red flag??

It seems like he's a relationship hopper. Instead of ending things properly first, giving himself the time to adust to single life, he just monkey-branches from woman to the next, and I don't think the age gap is coincidental. Not at all.

You need to know that the reason why men like this go for women in their mid-30s, is because -

a) They think they can mess the woman around for the next 5 + years until the woman is infertile. Infertility comes faster than that for some women, which suits some of these men really well.

b) What they they really want is a woman in her early 20s, and mid-30s is the lowest acceptable age they can get away with 'dating', lest it be seen as even more socially acceptable. These men are often big-ego opportunists. They want to be the envy of their older male peers, without been seen as a pervert, and mid-30s is the perfect age for them for that. Early 30s at a push.

I'm sure he will monkey-branch from you to another woman one day. You really want to give him the opportunity for that, knowing the narrative he will tell the next woman will be 'but I wasn't supported enough'???

Please don’t ignore the red flags you have already seen.

He insists his ex is to blame for his affair. Fast forward a few years and do you think you will be to blame for his affair.? Honestly spare yourself the heartache and move on now.

What the fuck are you even doing? Honestly, your judgement is terrible. Get rid of this idiot.

I want sustainable happiness and I think that has to be with someone who is a decent person himself. Love unfortunately isn’t enough to make it work.

Very wise words.

He clearly isn't a decent man.

Of course sex was good - he's had enough practice, ffs!

You would never be able to trust him. How long would it take before you start worrying when he's working late or running to the bathroom with his phone?

His poor children, having a sexually incontinent liar for a dad.

The man has Wandering Cock Syndrome. Sometimes it lies dormant for years but he'll always be a carrier. It can be triggered from remission by things such as "The Mrs nagging too much".

Given the right circumstances (attractive colleague/alcohol/ego being stroked) the Wandering Cock will awaken and be back to its old tricks.

@FatLarrysBanned

So funny. So true. So sad.

Aw, he sounds lovely OP! Where can I meet a fabulous guy like this please?

He's got enough flags for Xmas bunting!

I would not be wanting to second hand deal with two co-parenting dynamics. I also wouldn't want to have to second hand deal with the drama of family court etc.

Everything about this is dodgy!

I would never trust him to not cheat or leave you for someone else. He is clearly very dishonest and disloyal

There are billions of people on this planet. Don’t settle for someone like this.

He is a bit shopsoiled, OP, now approaching Andropause,
whilst you are in your Prime.

What did you think we would all say? Extricate yourself, good luck.

Cheating on his wives/girlfriends is a way of life to him. Telling you that it's because you're not supportive enough is just his way of excusing his behaviour to himself.

It is utterly pointless wasting any more time with this man.

he should be a good lover, considering how well practised he is !

His ex already created a vacancy, and now you have too, don't let it happen to you. Really you ought to have cut it loose as soon as you knew you were actually the OW. The biggest of the red flags and he directly lied to you at the start, proving that you are not a different special case. You are another woman, another one not to respect, because really, he doesn't have respect for any woman. The pampering is a spoke screen and done to convince you otherwise.

Well of course he is! That's how come he suckers in so many women. He's a good lover because he's had lots of practice 🤣

He is a serial cheat, and a liar. You deserve better.

You're far too young to be saddled with this much baggage

Urgh. This is a disaster. Everything about this man is the human equivalent of a dumpster fire inside the pretty shell of a house. You are admiring The facade but if you open the door and move in you will be living in the dumpster fire.

He left his 2nd ex wife for you but you didn't know he wasn't divorced? Bullshit. You sound well matched.

Why the hell would you even contemplate a relationship with a man who cheated on both his wives? have a bit of self-respect.

`are you actually saying he lied to you and told you he was single when he was not. Or are you just saying that as you know you will get yer arse handed to uou?

What on earth are you doing OP. There are better men than this. Put him in the bin.

You are a sucker for punishment. Stay and your life will be messy and chaotic. Make your choice today because the longer you stay the more this relationship will destroy you. You will never forgive yourself if you stay.