When you carry trauma how do you deal with those around you who don’t understand you?

[Rainbow03]

I carry trauma from my childhood through to a very abusive marriage. I’ve been free for about 5 years. I’ve triggers that I do my best to avoid. I don’t see the world like those around me who don’t carry trauma. How do you deal with people and comments from say family who simply can’t comprehend how you feel?

For an example a family member sort of belittles me when I jump at certain sounds. I can’t help it or stop it. He will continually say you’re jumpy aren’t you, what’s wrong with you? There is no point in explaining as they won’t understand and I don’t really want to talk about what I’ve suffered. I also for example need straight talking and information about things I’m going to do. Probably more so than others but I don’t feel safe until I’m happy what’s going on. Again people just judge me.

How do you deal with people who can’t understand. I mean no one would understand if they haven’t experienced it.

Which trolls are these ?

Who is the family member who is doing this to you? Is this your partner?

@grinandslothit no it’s his parents.

@Watchkeys This has been an ongoing process over several years.

There have been a few absolute blowups with people who, with hindsight, had pretty obviously been taking advantage of me. Most of those people went quickly and forever.

One of them contacted me a few months later to try to reconnect. I thought about it for a week and then said I thought that would be a bad idea.

Another contacted me after a few years, both of us had gone through changes in our own ways. We’re currently working through reconnecting. It may or may not work, but it will be very different from before if we do manage to pick up.

There were a number of people with whom there was a period of distance and we found our way back to one another’s lives. Always in a better way, for both of us.

Some people pretty much stepped up immediately. They were people who I think either just didn’t realise what was going on or who knew something was up but didn’t know what to do about it.

Overall I do have far fewer people in my life. Of course a I have moments were I miss some of those people, but not many and overall my life is much better.

I haven’t managed to repair all the damage caused to me by being in unsuitable relationships in the past and I don’t know if I ever will. But I have managed to repair a lot of it. And I am sure that the damage has pretty much stopped happening and that I am seeing growth in areas and directions I would never have discovered otherwise.

I don't think it is healthy or compassionate to post things like this.

The op has requested advice and support, your posts are not necessary.

Does your partner defend you if he’s there to see it OP ? Is he supportive of you ? Because if not, then he is part of the problem. Maybe have a chat to him and explain how you feel and that you have reached the point where you no longer feel able to be around them. If he’s willing maybe ask him to communicate to his parents that you’re not prepared to put up with the behaviour any longer and that until they recognise that you have a mental health problem and treat you with respect, you don’t want to be in their company.

@Rainbow03

If it’s your partners parents, I suggest a combination of

1. Minimising your time with them
2. Asking your partner to protect you/intervene
3. Standing your ground about what you will and won’t do and this means what you can easily/comfortably do, not what you can do at a stretch.

But I also to share this image of a therapeutic model for dealing with situations, including ongoing situations, that could be traumatic. I’ve found that following these steps soon after something bad has happened helps me avoid those situations adding to the trauma I carry.

This is for when you do hit an unavoidable situation and you don’t my want it to add to the trauma you already carry. For me, understanding this and doing it in the present also helped me deal with things from the past when I did get triggered (so when I get triggered, I take the approach that “it’s coming up to go” and working through these steps helps resolve that past trauma).

Underlying this is my appreciation that often what causes PTSD is not just the event itself, but how alone I felt during the event and in the immediate aftermath.

So basically I reach out for help (talk to a friend or post online), I let myself feel angry, I seek care or (provide to myself if necessary) and then I do something enjoyable/playful, either with a trusted person or on my own (or with my cat).

OP has a diagnosed disability and is entitled to expect accommodation for it. If we’re advocating that she shouldn’t rely on her own family to be respectful of it, what hope is there that the rest of society will be ? Basically what you’re telling OP here is that she should accommodate everyone else but expect nothing herself. Some of the attitudes here speak very clearly to the reason we have an Equality Act in the first place - if we have to legislate for fairness it speaks volumes about us as human beings.

@Rosscameasdoody i too thought I deserved some accommodation. I thought wrong because honestly so many people don’t care. I personally find it really difficult navigating this world.

@KatPurrson I was also told that the complexity of the ptsd is made worse by experiencing it alone and having no one to talk to after. I have a friend who I met at a support group. I asked the leader why am I suffering more than she is. She told me it was because she had her mum who comforted her after her husband abused her. She used to always ring her and she always had her love and support, whereas I was alone. I think being alone with trauma is just horrible. I don’t have a single person in RL who actually knows the unmasked version of me. Well I did once have an IDVA but she left the charity.

I've worked in disability support for over twenty years

All hail @Rosscameasdoody who knows it all!

@Rainbow03. I’m so sorry to hear that.

I wanted to share with you some of my experiences both of being alone with trauma and also of masking really heavily. In case anything that worked for me strikes a cord for you and also so you know you are not alone in having those experiences.

It was like that for me for so long too. It was my family who were abusive to me and I had literally no-one to talk to about for years.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to reach out and to be honest I’m still working on it and I think I will always have to. But it has made such a difference to me, even though sometimes I have chosen the wrong people to reach out to at times.

A lot later in life when I attended a course for DV survivors after an abusive relationship, and I spoke about the background of abusive, some of the other women in the group were very nasty to me when I spoke about my parents being abusive towards me as well as each other. Some were really lovely though (and some were both nasty and lovely) so I’m guessing their were some guilty consciences there.

Looking at my family and relationship history through a lens of generations of undiagnosed neurodivergence, ND trauma, PTSD and C-PTSD helped me make sense of a lot of the patterns and come to terms with them (again, ongoing process). The amount of masking that went on in my family is astounding.

I was diagnosed at 45 and spent my whole life masking. It has been a very slow process for me and I realise I am only at the beginning of finding out who I really am.

We’ve spent the last year or so unmasking a little bit with each other. It’s still very difficult as our neurodivergence’s differ in their presentation. We have triggered one another a lot in the past, and still do sometimes, although it is getting less.

For the first year and an half after diagnosis, the only places I could unmask to any extent were either on my one or online. I can dm you details of an online space that helped me if you would like.

But even unmasking to myself on my own really helped. Just allowing myself to move I t he ways that felt comfortable to me, from things like letting myself rock a little whilst watching TV or dancing in my kitchen really helped take the edge off the strain.

Another thing that helped was watching TV programmes with ND coded characters in them. Both New Girl (which I had always been very fond of) and Bones helped a lot. So did Forbrydelsen and Bron/Broen.

One thing I did realise as I started unmasking is that ND people are very much about “birds of a feather, fly together” and there has been so many people at one point in my life or another who were also ND, even though we were both/all unaware. So I think there had been some elements of partial unmasking there off and on.

One of the ND people in my life is my partner. We spent the first ten years of our relationship masking to each other without consciously knowing our status. We got in such tangles trying to mirror each other and often ended up totally lost. We even split up for six months, which was the crisis which precipitated diagnosis.

I am wondering if you think there is anyone in your life who may also be ND. Although it would be wise to be cautious with that, people with undiagnosed ND can shut down very quickly out of denial if they on a deep level suspect that about themselves and aren’t ready to look at that. I lost one friend because of it, totally ghosted me when I mentioned my diagnosis.

Take care.

Not at all. You accused me of posting harmful content and then went on to give me your take on how the Equality Act should work. I was simply pointing out that l have experience relevant to the subject and a fairly extensive grasp of the Equality Act as well as an understanding of the social model of disability which underpins it, because both were daily aspects of my work. So l don’t need to have their meaning pointed out to me in such a patronising way, complete with bullet points.

@KatPurrson Im of a similar age, 41 now. I only found out after leaving my marriage. I suspect my ex may have been ND but developed some really defensive coping mechanisms which were nasty really. I also suspect my mum, I’m actually 100% sure she is but she is so closed down she will never talk to me about that. I’m pretty certain my current partner is. We’ve been together 4 years now. He is not going to do anything about it. That’s ok because he is who he is and he’s happy in life. He’s so oblivious to the bad stuff anyway.

My only problem is I’m am terrible at communicating. I know I have needs but I don’t want to tell him. I’m kind of embarrassed. That and I was abused over my needs so I don’t want to let them out. My partner is also so oblivious he can’t see what I see. He has never been abused and he is happy in his ways. I can feel something and immediately it goes deep. For example his parents are extremely invalidating. I’m sure his mum is ND and very shut down emotionally. I think they may contribute to my partners hoarding tendencies. Their response to me is to say oh just get on with it or it’s not happening. Around them I mask very badly. Sometimes I just want to scream or run out the house. It is hard to be around people why don’t want the real you. Which seems to be everyone. The real me isn’t so bad she just needs understanding which no one has time for.

Thank you for talking to me.

@Rainbow03 What you said about feeling that no-one has the time to understand you really resonates with me. I have spent so much of my life feeling that exact way. It’s so
isolating.

@Rosscameasdoody

So, we should be applying the Equality Act to our personal lives, then, that's your advice, as an 'expert'? How? Are we allowed, for example, to decide against dating someone, due to the fact that their religious lifestyle isn't compatible with our atheism? Is a person allowed to choose not to be friends with someone due to their sex? Or do we all have to adhere to the Act, and treat everybody equally, regardless of personal compatibility?

The bullet points were from the Gov.uk site. Sorry if you find that patronising, it's just what gov.uk state as the places in which the Equality Act should be used. It wasn't a judgement on you or your 'expertise'.

I suppose people have their own issues to deal with a lot of the time. I appreciate that I need a little more than most.

Around them I mask very badly. Sometimes I just want to scream or run out the house

Why don't you leave, in these instances, OP?

Your current partner is a hoarder?

With his parents, I would just refuse to see them unless you all live with them or something.

People do have their own issues to deal with

But it doesn't mean you need to flex around them.

My then H's parents really struggled when I became disabled. I was in an accident and use a wheelchair. It took me a year to relearn how to walk.

They kept saying stuff like If I can to visit I would need to walk into their house and take my shoes off. H kept pointing out I couldn't physically walk and asking f I could use the wheelchair inside and they kept saying no.

So yes, no doubt they have their own trauma. But you don't need to be around people who can't even bend a little bit.

@Watchkeys because my partner Ioves them and sometimes I think I overthink things. That and I think I’d probably find a reason to leave most places lol. I think I have to find a way to get a thicker skin and take people for what they are and not what I want them to be. I expect people to accept me and I need to be stronger. They have good qualities sometimes.

I think I have to find a way to get a thicker skin and take people for what they are and not what I want them to be

This is self-disrespect. You don't have to find a way to be different. You have to find people who accept you.

If you feel uncomfortable, it's fine to say 'I feel a bit uncomfortable, I'm just going to go out for 10 minutes'. You don't have to criticise anybody, you don't have to accept anything about them or about yourself, you don't have to judge whether you are 'thinking' or 'underthinking' or 'overthinking'. Just recognise that you are uncomfortable, and respond to that in a way that's respectful to yourself, and, ideally, respectful to others (although if those things clash, maintain the respect for yourself over respect to others)

There is no situation in which people who love and respect you would want you to subject yourself to further discomfort, accompanied by self-criticism of 'I need a thicker skin'. Can you see how anybody who did that wouldn't love you?

@Watchkeys well my mum did and she does love me. She is very clearly ND and I suspect had no idea it was causing me damage. She was unavailable emotionally but has helped physically and financially an awful lot. She was abandoned by her mum so has attachment issues for sure and terrible socially.

My in laws make me uncomfortable. I’m not sure if they are aware of it. They treat everyone like it so I’m not special in that sense but I don’t connect to them at all. They think for example my daughter is spoilt and rude when she is currently being assessed (I’m almost certain she is also ND). They have no empathy. In fact the other day they really offended me saying something along the lines of their son didn't grow up like me so he obviously doesn’t know how to deal with my daughters behaviour. He’s never witnessed bad behaviour in their family….such bull. I think they think I’m bringing trouble having a past like I have, like I’m dirtying their perfect gene pool. Things like that hurt a great deal because I only ever want to be loved and accepted, not made to feel like I’m not worthy.

No, what you're saying is that your mum unwittingly caused you harm. I'm saying that nobody who loved and respected you would knowingly cause you harm and expect you to develop a thicker skin.

Can you see the difference?

It's the same for me; my Mum loved me utterly, but she didn't realise that her dismissal of my feelings was harmful to me, and I was a child, so I was unable to identify or rectify the situation.

But we're not children any more, and we don't have to stick to the patterns of behaviour we've learned, whereby others are allowed to do things that we find unacceptable, with impunity, but we're not allowed to 'step out of line' according to their standards.

Your in-laws don't set the standard for what 'correct behaviour' or 'good' feelings are. Nobody gets to tell you how you 'should' feel. Your attitude is that 'they do this and it hurts me, so how do I change?' but why do you think you need to change? Are you, by some divine ordinance, meant to be living in the way that they think you should? If so, why? What rules are you following, there? Why don't they follow your rules? Why is their opinion one that you must learn to bow to? Why are you the one who 'should' change? They are saying unpleasant things to you. Why do your feelings need to be muted?

They might 'treat everybody that way', but that doesn't mean your feelings are 'wrong'. My grandad used racist language with everybody, but I was the one who used to walk away when he did, because I myself wasn't comfortable with it, regardless of what anybody else did, or felt.

You can choose to respect your feelings. You don't have to explain why; you can just leave the room quietly. It's not to make a point to them; they can be whoever they like. It's for you to make a point to you: You will no longer stick around whilst people speak in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. You might have to do a lot of walking away to start with, and you'll spot patterns, and then you'll choose to spend a lot less time with people you walk away from regularly. You will filter your people according to your preferences.

You have PTSD, so you'll be walking away all the time, but people who care about you will say 'Hey, are you ok?', and listen to your answer. If it hurt you, the way they peeled that carrot, or turned the page on that magazine, they won't tell you you're ridiculous or make you feel bad. And that's how you start to filter your people to suit you, rather than trying to filter your feelings to suit other people.

@Watchkeysmy in laws would undoubtedly tell me to bugger off we aren’t changing for you you’re just hard work, what’s wrong with you etc etc. I know this so I mask so I’m not completely pushed aside. My partner on the other hand I have said things to and he’s tried to alter things. They are all about living the good life, lots of adventures and memory making and life is for having fun and nothing else. Which is nice but you can’t have any shades of grey. You can’t say I’m going to make memories and have fun but I don’t like this also and sometimes I feel like this and it’s a bit sad. You can’t be sad or down around them ever.