When you carry trauma how do you deal with those around you who don’t understand you?

[Rainbow03]

I carry trauma from my childhood through to a very abusive marriage. I’ve been free for about 5 years. I’ve triggers that I do my best to avoid. I don’t see the world like those around me who don’t carry trauma. How do you deal with people and comments from say family who simply can’t comprehend how you feel?

For an example a family member sort of belittles me when I jump at certain sounds. I can’t help it or stop it. He will continually say you’re jumpy aren’t you, what’s wrong with you? There is no point in explaining as they won’t understand and I don’t really want to talk about what I’ve suffered. I also for example need straight talking and information about things I’m going to do. Probably more so than others but I don’t feel safe until I’m happy what’s going on. Again people just judge me.

How do you deal with people who can’t understand. I mean no one would understand if they haven’t experienced it.

you just deal with it. It isn't anybody's responsibility to "understand" you. You probably are completely misunderstanding them

So you just do what you have to do and sod what they say?

yep, just accept that they are not obliged to spend any time or energy trying to work you out, just as you don't have to spend any time or energy working them out. Everyone is different, everyone has different view points. You can't have any realistic expectation that everyone is going to magically get yours.

All that stands out here to me is that a family member belittles you. So anyone who belittles you gets put at arms length - no explanation needed whatsoever. I wonder if family members are contributing factors to your trauma! I understand this on a personal level. No explanation no nothing, you put distance between you and them. If you have to see this person, you don't even acknowledge they spoke when they say what's wrong with you and change the subject.

Most people won't give a shit sadly. But people that really genuinely care and aren't abusive will be happy and interested to know why you are who you are. Save it for them ♥️

And if people misunderstand you (like close family) you just leave them to it?

yep. You are certainly misunderstanding them as much as they are misunderstanding you.

Yes you have to. You will absolutely be wasting your breath. People let you know when they care and don't belittle you.

@Pantaloons99 yes they are contributing to my trauma. I’m sick of being mis understood. I’m newly diagnosed on the spectrum. I’ve been mis understood my whole life and treated rubbish and accepted it in a bid to be accepted.

I have similar. I tell them I have PTSD when I get comments like that. As well as loud noises making me jumpy, I will just leave a room if there is an argument that gets angry or swearing in it. A relative once said I was taking things too personally and by running away I was telling people I wasn’t interested in what they had to say. I said, I have PTSD so can’t be around that level of anger. They said I can control my response to it. I repeated, no I have PTSD which means by definition I can’t control my response, it’s a disorder caused by trauma and if I leave the room, they should be the ones to reset, calm down and then talk to me later because the person with the disability is the one that should be accommodated, not the fully abled person who needs to get a grip on their anger.

They don’t like how I handle it, but I’ve decided my sanity takes precedence over their feelings.

@Pantaloons99 that’s what I thought. Them belittling me or constantly making remarks about what I say pack too much for holiday or why I do this and that is not feeling nice.

After a traumatic event I spent a long time in a subconscious fight or flight mode. I felt exhausted and always on high alert, I'd jump at movements and catch my breath at sounds. It took a long time to come out of.

By straight talking it sounds like you need control and to understand all expectations. I can understand this completely, when control has been taken away you fight to have it back and even small slips out of your control can make you spin out.

I never really spoke of my incident outside of very close family and friends, who were and still are, very supportive, but I'm afraid I didn't expect the world or people outside of my 'circle' to see a change or change themselves to fit with where I now was.

Your brother sounds like an arse, especially if he has full knowledge, but as you said...unless you've experienced it you can never really understand the impact trauma can have.

@BabaBarrio Ive told these family members I have ptsd. I’ve told them I have Chronic fatigue syndrome and they say I’m just lazy and need to exercise more. I push and do as much even more then I can most days.

I don't really see that "the person with the disability needs to be accommodated". I have PTSD and would never expect or demand that any friends or family need to put themselves out because of it. Work is different, they have to "accommodate" by law- especially if that is where you got the PTSD in the first place! in your private life, no - noone has to accommodate.

I completely understand this OP I have had traumatic medical circumstances which still limit me today, yet it’s amazing how many times someone asks “why can’t you do x” when I have explained many times why not. I think it’s just really hard for people to remember or understand whats happened to you. I try to just be clear and unemotional for example “I’d rather you didn't comment on that” then calmly repeat as many times as necessary. But then I do have some people like DH and my sisters who do understand and I find that very validating and it kind of offsets other people - do you have anyone who does understand that you can talk to?

I'm fine with people not understanding.

I don't expect them to.

I'm not fine with people making derogatory comments because commenting negatively on others when you're not bothering them directly is unnecessary.

I made my circle very small.

This person, I would cut out of my life. If you can. If not keep contact brief as you can. The first hint of not nice, and just leave the room.

I haven’t suffered trauma but there are still things I don’t like that upset me. I really don’t like anyone making me jump for example. I say in a very serious tone ‘please don’t do that, it upsets me and I don’t find it funny.’ No explanation needed. They get the message to not fucking do that around me.

Example, “I don’t like loud noises and shocks to the system Pete - that’s just the way I am. Lots of women don’t like them. It’s just jarring.”

The answer is, you respectfully set boundaries and expect the people around you to respect them. If they are good people, they will.

This. Blunt but realistic. You understand your own needs/fears/triggers, and ultimately it’s your job to manage them. As everyone does theirs. I was abused as a child, and my family don’t know, for instance. It does mean that, despite lots of therapy, there are some ordinary things I am completely unable to do, and behaviours other people might find puzzling. My point is that no one in my family knows I’m dealing with this, just as I probably don’t know of traumatic events in their lives. You can’t assume you’re the only one dealing with difficult stuff.

Can you get rid of contact with these family members?
Also, stop pushing, it will just make your CFS worse and you will never reach remission .

I'm so glad you're diagnosed so that you have the validation and understanding you have probably been after most your life. It is so incredibly hurtful that people you love don't even respect your needs and potential sensory challenges ( just thinking on the jumpiness).

I have so many serious health problems and I have a family member that doesn't even ask and only belittles and emotionally abuses. People who care enquire and don't belittle.

My son is Autistic/ADHD. Online communities can be great. I wonder if you can find more solace online with other people who care, who understand and support you. There is an online autistic adults group where sadly stories of trauma at hands of family is common. You have to be your own advocate and that means you don't give explanations or argue with people who belittle you.

It doesn't always work but one family member can be very unsympathetic. I said once ' do you know how hurtful it is when you speak like that / say that.' You could try that and add ' I am Autistic and part of that means I'm incredibly sensitive to sounds ') or whatever your struggles may be). If they laugh or react badly, you know to emotionally distance and they don't care sadly. You'll find people that do I'm sure of it. If you refer to the trauma they caused you, I doubt they will react well. Framing it like the above would probably be easier and less triggering.

@BabaBarrio I push because no one around me really understands how I feel. People don’t accommodate me, don’t understand, de value me and it makes me feel awful in away make me feel like how I feel isn’t real.

@Pantaloons99 sadly with these people it wouldn’t work. I think they need visible signs of illness or disability. I look very capable and are very high functioning. A lot of people in my life give me more credit than I need. I’m not as capable as I seem. I look like I’m simply making it up.

That is why I just get up and leave when family are doing things that trigger my PTSD. I am done sacrificing my well being to accommodate them. I just remove myself. I can’t require them to never swear or never argue in the home, but similarly they can’t require I stay to hear it or be in it.

See if you can create your own accommodations and a safe space to retreat to. They won’t belittle an empty space. You can choose to not be around if they feel like having a go at you.

You have to keep them at a distance then OP. They will only make you feel worse. Can you get on some FB groups online for more support and people to relate to? You can set up another account semi anonymously and just use that. I'm on lots of groups anonymously. These stories are very common.

So many people don't understand what it means to be Autistic. I learnt so much because of my son. It's not fair and it's a sad reality for many.

Find your like minded tribe online and don't share too much of yourself with family. They aren't going to listen or change I suspect

You need to see these people less, then. Don’t put yourself in the situation where they are making you feel bad.