When you carry trauma how do you deal with those around you who don’t understand you?

[Rainbow03]

I carry trauma from my childhood through to a very abusive marriage. I’ve been free for about 5 years. I’ve triggers that I do my best to avoid. I don’t see the world like those around me who don’t carry trauma. How do you deal with people and comments from say family who simply can’t comprehend how you feel?

For an example a family member sort of belittles me when I jump at certain sounds. I can’t help it or stop it. He will continually say you’re jumpy aren’t you, what’s wrong with you? There is no point in explaining as they won’t understand and I don’t really want to talk about what I’ve suffered. I also for example need straight talking and information about things I’m going to do. Probably more so than others but I don’t feel safe until I’m happy what’s going on. Again people just judge me.

How do you deal with people who can’t understand. I mean no one would understand if they haven’t experienced it.

@60andsomething You're expressing yourself in a punitive and unfriendly way here, as if the OP has angered you. Why is that?

Unfortunately you can't push them to understand or value or accommodate you any more than they can push you to get over or ignore or move on from your own PTSD.

It's a hard thing to accept that these people simply aren't safe/comfortable people for you to be around and aren't going to validate your experiences or accommodate you after you've asked politely for them to do so.

You can't make them get it by telling them over and over or demanding or making a fuss. If they don't get it after being told once or twice clearly, they won't get it or just don't want to get it.

You just need to validate yourself, and set whatever boundaries are necessary for you to feel comfortable and safe, like removing yourself from upsetting discussions or limiting contact with people who are rude and disrespectful towards you, even if they are family members.

Legal minimums are meant to reflect the desired ethical standard for society as a whole. Yes, I think society should accommodate the disabilities of its members, not just at work, but also within families in the home and in social settings. That’s not wrong, that is progress.

the attitude make me angry - people who think other people are obliged to understand them and their point of view! It is a very self absorbed attitude. Everyone has their own point of view. No one can expect or demand that other people see and understand their point of view - it is not going to happen. none of us are going to be understood by everyone around us, and none of us are going to understand everyone around us either. That is just a given. but the expectation that all the understanding should be flowing one way is quite unnessesery.

if the OP is made unhappy by certain people's treatment of her, she needs to rearrange her life to avoid them - but they are not obliged in any way to understand her. It is her responsibility to manage the situation - no one owes her any understanding

I clicked on this because I think I've had a relatively trauma free life & wanted to see what I might not understand, but someone being jumpy or needing explanations doesn't really require understanding. You just are what you are, some people find loud noises difficult, some can't deal with surprises, some can't make plans. People don't have to understand your trauma to be accepting and nice about your quirks. It sounds like your relative is just being a dick.
As for others I'd just say, 'oh I'm sorry I just always feel safer when I know what's happening in advance' or whatever, no need to say why.

Now, you have to take responsibility for yourself, and minimise the time you spend with people who you feel shitty around. It's not up to the world to change to fit your needs; it's up to you to find a world that meets your needs.

Rainbow you have to stop this. The most important thing you can do is realise that no one is understood properly, not just you and that's fine.
And seriously everybody carries trauma. 1:3 women are raped. 1:2 are divorced. 1:2 will have cancer. Most have or will lose their parents, many have infertility or have miscarriages or birth injuries. Many have lost a child. People are sacked, discriminated against, assaulted all the time. And many many more shit things happen.
Please don't make the bad stuff that has happened to you the most important thing about you and never expect people to understand. They are all too busy dealing with their own shit.

I don’t think it is a point of view or demanding to be personally understood to ask people around you to understand and accommodate you for a well known, diagnosed disability.

Some people are just unthinking, most people are unthinking sometimes. You can't do anything much about that. Who knows what the people around you have going on for themselves? In terms of what you can do, work with your therapist to develop strategies where you reframe negative comments or set boundaries that may or may not include limiting time you spend with people, if necessary.

Please don't make the bad stuff that has happened to you the most important thing about you and never expect people to understand. They are all too busy dealing with their own shit.

I think this is true up to the last line. Actually, a lot of people do and will understand, or at least will be decent enough people to respect the needs of people who have trauma and make accommodations for it even if they don't fully understand it.

Trauma survivors can't demand it or expect understanding or accommodation as entitlements, but they can notice the difference between those who can and do act in a way that shows care, and those who don't, and restrict themselves to spending time with the first category of people.

Everybody may have had difficult experiences, but not everybody carries trauma and certainly not everybody has or understands PTSD. You make it sound like OP should just drop it because she's just like everyone else.

PTSD isn't 'making bad stuff the most important thing about you'.

Do you know anything about PTSD?

@60andsomething Your anger and pain is almost palpable, I’m sorry. But the OP is exploring how to feel about/interact with people who belittle her. And your response has in itself been belittling.

The outcome of her decision process may well benefit from thinking akin to yours - to let go of expectations and move away from toxic people, not expecting anything else from them - but you’re kind of kicking someone when they’re down. Presumably because that is what was done to you.

Some people are knobs and even if you did explain it to them, they’d still be knobs.

I’m easily startled, I don’t know why. I get the usual “what bad things have I done?” but I ignore them it’s just a quirk of mine.

You don’t have to explain yourself, especially to doughnut s.

Use the blanket term of “anxiety” rather than going into detail. “It might sound silly, but this anxiety I’m having causes my nervous system to panic at certain things and it can feel quite overwhelming in the moment..”

When I was in a similar stage of life I felt judged as rude, antisocial, angry, etc. People assume everything is about them sometimes and don’t think deeply about why you might be acting the way you do.

Don’t worry about their opinions too much. They only know what they know. You really need peace and healing and to give yourself a lot of leeway at this point.

Some of the replies here baffle me!
You do deserve to be understood and heard, you don’t deserve to be belittled.
I don’t think everyone carries trauma as a pp stated, but I do think people have very busy lives and everyone has problems and issues of their own, not necessarily trauma.
Because of this busyness and issues, people listen less to others. I don’t think they mean anything bad by it most time, it’s just that they are preoccupied.

If this is happening consistently with this family member, maybe try a bit of distance between ye for a while.

I hope you are getting professional help for your trauma, that is necessary because family and friends will only listen and absorb so much. You need help to accept/ validate your trauma and work through your emotions as well as gain strategies for coping.

I wish you the very best of luck.

The most important thing to remember is you choose how to view things, what to take on board, and what to reject.
If someone is treating you poorly, cease contact with that person, or keep it as impersonal as you can.
Those who care, and gave the capacity, will understand, the rest can go suck it.

Unfortunately yes, it's a case of get on with it.
I have been diagnosed with CPTSD, several years ago now. I’m a lone parent with no family support and my 12 year old DD is autistic. She is frequently violent towards me, reacts to any given situation like a toddler - blue murder screaming over the tiniest of issues. Always makes it sound like I’m murdering her. I’m tired, triggered, frightened of the police being called again. I’m so tired of fighting every day. She's had referrals put through all over the place and every single one has slammed the door in my face.
A couple of months ago, she hit me so hard in the face that my glasses shot across the room. I'd attempted to bring up putting screen time into place. Social services aren’t bothered. Her secondary school isn’t bothered. As long as she attends, then it's fine for me to suffer any consequences.

I would say it's worth coming up with a simple explanation that you can give people.

For example, I am disabled and use a wheelchair. I explain to people that I have an illness like MS which means I am often tired and clumsy and can't walk far.

Some people can understand that and we can get on in a mutually beneficial way. Some people find it hard to understand - either because they don't have much experience with disabled people and or aren't empathetic and I cut down drastically on how much time I spend with those people.

To the poster who said that work has the responsibility to make reasonable adjustments but family don't - you are right. My in laws believed I was making it up for many years and that is why I saw them about once every three years.

What does carrying trauma mean? I had a very difficult childhood but I would never describe myself as carrying trauma. It sounds like some sort of tik tok bullshit. I think everyone gets irritated by something,

Carrying trauma means that you have been impacted by trauma to the point it affects your mental health badly.

It could be ptsd

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/overview/
which was first diagnosed in Vietnam war veterans and is therefore not TikTok bullshit.

Other post traumatic disorders include reactive attachment disorder etc

www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/trauma-and-stressor-related-disorders-children

Dealing with someone who carries trauma can be extremely difficult, when it isn’t your own experience. My husband thinks in a different plane to me, due to issues from his bad childhood. I just don’t understand him at times & told him I hate him, today. I don’t feel good about that. And I’m sorry I hurt him. I try to help him, but like you say, someone like me just will never “get” how he feels & how he is. It’s too much for me, and impacts my mental health. But he can’t change who he is…

Firstly, you can choose to not spend time with people that make you feel bad.

Secondly, I’m not usually into motivational quotes and soundbites and all that - but I think this one below is useful. It’s the ‘Let Them’ theory. Ultimately you can only manage your own life, reactions, responses - nobody else’s. You’ve tried to explain and it hasn’t worked. Let them… and then do what you need to do, accordingly. If to handle your trauma it requires not seeing them then do that! Let them be who they are, they’re not going to change.

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/sEDZwG6bFss

The problem is, you don't know what’s setting off their anger either. You’re expecting people to accommodate your feelings but you're not prepared to accommodate theirs. Relationships are 2 way things.

You need to stop spending time with these people. Stop allowing them into your life.

Admittedly I’ve only skim read them but I can’t see the phrase ‘to carry trauma’ on either of those pages? I don’t think the PP was disputing the existence of PTSD but rather querying the phrasing which I agree does sound like pop psychology.