When you carry trauma how do you deal with those around you who don’t understand you?

[Rainbow03]

I carry trauma from my childhood through to a very abusive marriage. I’ve been free for about 5 years. I’ve triggers that I do my best to avoid. I don’t see the world like those around me who don’t carry trauma. How do you deal with people and comments from say family who simply can’t comprehend how you feel?

For an example a family member sort of belittles me when I jump at certain sounds. I can’t help it or stop it. He will continually say you’re jumpy aren’t you, what’s wrong with you? There is no point in explaining as they won’t understand and I don’t really want to talk about what I’ve suffered. I also for example need straight talking and information about things I’m going to do. Probably more so than others but I don’t feel safe until I’m happy what’s going on. Again people just judge me.

How do you deal with people who can’t understand. I mean no one would understand if they haven’t experienced it.

I just stopped explaining to people. They know, but they are just being arseholes.

For example, me being startled, I will say oh that's PTSD and then nothing else.

Once you've explained something once to somebody and they still don't get it, that's their problem. You have no obligation to keep explaining it to somebody. They're being an asshole.

And you're allowed to cut out toxic family members if you want to. If they don't bring anything to your life other than trauma and misery, just cut them out.

PTSD wears off? Are you sure?
Because I'm old and I still jump/shriek at loud noises. Still want to self harm, still cant go swimming, and more. And its all down to PTSD.
Been 40 odd years and nothings worn off for me.

Yeah sorry I didn’t initially liken it to a war zone at least I don’t think I did. It’s just it felt like I was navigating one. All the noise and the intimidation etc etc.

We had a conversation the other day. I was contemplating getting an electric bike so we as a family can go on bike rides. With my chronic fatigue issue I thought it was probably the better idea. The family member basically laughed and said what do you want that for can’t you just ride a normal bike. Comments like that I find incredibly hard to just brush off like other people seem to be able to do. It’s like an open wound with not much protection straight to the part that hurts. I’m embarrassed that I had M.E at my age, that I’m autistic, that I need “special treatment”, that I was abused and that people look at me and think what’s wrong with this one. I want to be a very capable person and wear this mask often when in fact at times I need some lenience and some support. I’m embarrassed I need this and I continue to feel like it because of other people’s constant judgments.

You've been masking your whole life, as well as experiencing trauma. It's all going to take a while to find out how to survive and thrive in the world, and most people don't like others around them to change, and may fight it.

The best advice I can give is to get a good therapist and work with them in the medium to long term. X

@Grimchmas that’s how I’ve tried to explain it to my partner. I mask all the time and some times I’m exhausted and I let my mask down and then that’s when I feel the attack. People only seem to cope with me when I mask. I’m not as bad as I sound lol. But the moment you say actually I don’t agree or like what you say then that’s when people seem to have a problem. We are going away soon altogether with the family members who I have to mask around. I was very hesitant and I’m only going for the my partner and for the children to play with their children. Masking is exhausting and makes me feel like the unmasked person is not wanted but that’s the real me.

OP, I agree with other posters on here - you need to see less of these people. Make a conscious effort to spend less time around them - they're not worth it. You really don't need people in your life who belittle you! Just stay away from them and it will be like a weight lifted off your shoulders. Find your own tribe my love - people who will accept you for who you are

OP, who is this relative? Why do you see them and give them information they scoff at? I think you’re on a hiding to nothing with this particular person. See less of them and give them no information. They’re not going to treat you the way you would like.

I'm sorry OP it can be really difficult.

I am disabled following an accident.

I have had people say to me things like "why have you brought a wheelchair you don't need it".

My ExH used to encourage me to push through the pain when doing physio which made my condition worse

Best advice I can offer is stay away from those people.

I found in life so far most people like easy people. They either have been fortunate to have not been affected by trauma or they too are masking and pretending everything is ok. It’s hard.

Wow, what an absolute mess some of the replies on this are, which I suppose proves the point of the original post.

OP it sounds like there has been a delay in getting these things recognised and you feel exhausted by covering it all up. I think perhaps this family member is triggering you with their minimising itself: ‘just get on with it’ and ‘it’s not that bad really’ are probably things that have been said to you a lot. They’re probably re traumatising you with their disregard itself. I think that is part of the issue: you crave now to be seen for who you really are, to have your real story heard. For some reason this does press people’s buttons, I think especially the people pleasery jolly types. I don’t think pushing them to ‘see’ you will work, but recognising that their normalising instinct triggers you — as well as whatever they’re actually doing, making a loud noise, say — may help. ‘They make me feel invisible, like I have to be normal.’

Can you learn to laugh at yourself

"Yeah I'm so jumpy aren't I"

People don't understand each other and it's unreasonable to expect them too

People can learn to get along together and accept each others differences and that's easier of people make light fun of themselves rather than being negative

If someone has natural bully tendencies laughing rather then getting upset takes the wind out of their sails

That sounds so hard 💐

@terribleangel I think that’s exactly what is triggering me. I’m not too sure yet how to stop the spiral down when I feel it. I either get angry and want to shout at the person which I don’t want to do so I turn it upon myself and get upset with myself for being so bloody different, that or jealous of those who seem to fit in better.

The Equality Act 2010 isn't about personal relationships. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to refuse to date someone because they were outside my age range (for example)

Within personal relationships, we all have responsibility for ourselves, and must make healthy choices that feel right to us as individuals, rather than referring to gov.uk to tell us the law

• at work
• in education
• as a consumer
• when using public services
• when buying or renting property
• as a member or guest of a private club or association

It's actually harmful to advise what you're advising, as it stops people acting on their own preferences. If you apply the Equality Act 2010 to personal situations, we'd have to treat everybody equally. I don't know about you, but I don't want to treat the man at the bus stop in the same way I treat my closest friend. It'd be a funny old world, wouldn't it...

Read the book 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck'

@Watchkeys I do understand. They have to make actual allowances for me at work although my manager rolls her eyes at me. It’s so difficult when you mask so capable. It triggers me also at work. The general population don’t have to. It would be so much easier if I were just “normal” and absorbed stuff easier….but I don’t.

Similar situation here. Late diagnosed AuDHD, C-PTSD, PTSD, various autoimmune and chronic illnesses.

These things have helped me:

1. Not pushing myself. As soon as I am tired I stop.
2. Limiting time spent with people I have to mask around. When I do need to do spend time with them I buffer that time- lie down before and after.
3. Actively working on releasing my trauma. Pete Walker’s work is a good start. Being aware that as an ND person that I need to be slower and gentler on trauma work than an NT would be, but the flip side of that is I feel I get bigger breakthroughs when appropriately gentle with myself.
4. Avoiding triggers was exhausting, and also ultimately futile. It has been so freeing to gradually work through my stuff and see/feel myself react less. It’s ongoing and I recognise it will probably always be ongoing. But avoiding those whose current actions would further traumatise or retraumatise me is energising, and it’s been great to start letting myself connect with and trust my intuition again to work out the difference between the triggering/actively traumatising.
5. It was really worth looking into the particularities of neurodivergent trauma, and how that intertwined with both my PTSD and C-PTSD. That is ongoing for me and really helped me start untying some of the knots I was in.
6. If I am attempting to find a place where both myself and another person/other people can be comfortable, and they respond with ridicule or to try to get move to move further into their comfort zone, I stop trying to find shared places with them. It’s different if someone says something like “I appreciate what you are trying to do, that particular thing won’t work for me, but how about we try this instead” (and they’ve made some genuine attempt to understand me or accommodate me, I go forward in a creative, iterative process with them to find a place we can share time. I understand it can take a while and they have needs to. But any type of dismissal, ridicule or belittling I just stop engaging.

You don't have PTSD, do you?

@KatPurrson

Great post. I wonder if you've had to say goodbye to many people, since you've started respecting your own boundaries more?

Sorry, @Rainbow03 , I know it's not my thread, but I thought I'd ask this question as it might be useful to you as well as me.

It’s not harmful to rightly expect family to afford you the same consideration that the law requires your boss to give you.

This isn’t harmful, this has nothing to do with sexual/friensdhip preferences or “treating an old man at the bus stop the same way you treat your closest friend”.

This is about respecting another person’s humanity by accommodating for real disabilities that they have.

You’ve nothing to apologise for. That’s how you feel and that’s how you choose to put it into words. Nothing wrong with that.

Harmful ? What a load of old cobblers. The Equality Act as it applies to what we’re discussing here is about respect and inclusion of people with disabilities in all areas of society, and it covers a lot more than your patronising bullet point list. It’s about applying a level playing field so that disabled people can engage in all aspects of society without their disability putting them at a disadvantage. If you know what the social model of disability is then you’ll know that it’s based on the fact that it’s not the persons’ disability that puts them at a disadvantage, it’s the barriers to inclusion - both physical and attitudinal - that society places on them. Why is it harmful to expect the same level of respect and inclusion from your own family and friends as you do from anyone else ?

I’ve worked in disability support for over twenty years and I don’t need to refer to gov.uk to tell me how to do respect and inclusion thanks.

I’m not making personal attacks, I’m replying in defence of OP and of disabled people in general, based on over 20 years experience of working in disability support services and benefit advising. Report away, because to date, yours is the only post that’s been deleted.