Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

And your husband? Does he ever say that you don't speak to mummy like this or does he just sit back and say nothing? What I'm getting at is does he support you or enable the behaviour?

You need to speak to your husband because someone needs to know that your child could be harmed, someone beyond strangers on the internet

You can self refer for support with mental health.

No GP appointment needed.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

I really wish people would stop going on about the GP.

Even if I could get an appointment we are not going. It is not going to happen and I think if people keep pushing it’s best if I just leave the thread.

How is your baby doing with sleep?
Do you miss a lot of sleep?

And what would your DH say if you said can he be the one to say no, make DS brush his teeth and cook him vegetables?

Most people with support at home would not say when asked if they've spoken to their DH about their unhappiness "no he's not a therapist". It's unusual to only seek support from your partner if they're a trained therapist... so you probably aren't getting enough or don't feel close enough to ask for enough emotional support from your DH.

It also sounds like you're taking on the main mental load in your relationship with DH with regards to child rearing, since you said you do the things like saying no but additionally the finding nice activities your child will love.

I'm not surprised it's hard to cope with child's difficult behaviour when you're also seemingly not getting support from your partner either. Have you spoken to any mum friends about how you feel?
How often do you get out of the house for yourself to see friends or without the kids?

Instead of taking it personally can you try and see things from his perspective? You're viewing the situation through adults eyes "His behaviour is terrible, he hates me and now I don't love him anymore".
When children this young are naughty they're simply expressing their emotions.
Try and have some empathy and imagine his world. You said he only dislikes you because another child came along and he used to be a mummy's boy. So you already have an explanation for his bad behaviour. There he was - happy and loved. You were the centre of his world and vice versa. Suddenly another child appears and your attention switches to the new baby. No doubt you're sleep deprived and exhausted too. So from his perspective his whole world has changed. Mummy's different and focusing on the baby. He's been replaced and is no longer the centre of your world. He's confused, upset, unsettled, probably frightened by these sudden changes and he expresses this with bad behaviour, pushing you away. Now when he sees you you're pissed off with him. You're no longer happy and loving but you're fed up. He can see it in your eyes, he can hear it in your tone of voice.
Just try and see this situation as if you are him.
It's when children are at their most challenging that they need the most love. Now's not the time to turn your back on him, but to rebuild his trust in you. You need support and advice from a professional because you're really not seeing things clearly.

If you call 111 mental health line they'll notify your GP who should follow you up with an appointment. If only for that reason it's got to be worth a call!

1. Because you ask him to get dressed, brush teeth etc ie a demand which suggests PDA/autism
2. Suggestive of autism
3. Suggestive of autism
4. Suggestive of sensory processing issues which is suggestive of autism

At the moment things are so out of whack though it’s going to be impossible to tell what’s going on. But talk to someone - GP, HV - don’t down play it. Your mental health matters and your son’s well being matters even if you are not in a place to prioritise either of those things right now.

@SallyWD i haven’t decided anything consciously and I am sure tomorrow I’ll feel differently. Now. I feel how I feel. He’s asleep, he got his dream bedtime with just DH so he’s fine. It’s me in pieces!

It’s certainly best I leave this thread, because the fact that you don’t even want to get help for a situation in which you have said clearly that you want to hurt your child is heartbreaking. I wish you all the best.

Actually, I wish your child all the best.

Of course you're not a horrible person. That you say here - that you are happy and bonded with the baby - doesn't make me less inclined to see this as PND. The illness doesn't necessarily make everything seem awful and black. Rather it can make everything very distorted.

I'm sorry but he's fine if his relationship with his mother has broken down.

That should say he's not fine

Try and be logical op. His mother who he loves most in the world is in pieces. He either ‘hates’ you and is developmentally very odd for a 3 year old and is struggling. Or he doesn’t hate you and is struggling.

I would like to know WHY you are so against help and support? What’s the reason behind it?

I had pnd and thought my baby hated me. And I hated myself for it. I had so much guilt as I thought it was all my fault.

Do you have that?

DH made me get help btw.

It's just concerning that you seem to be applying adult motives to a 3 year old who doesn't even know what he means.

OP YES Pathological Demand Avoidance (profile of autism which presents very differently to "typical" autism) IS directed at the main caregiver ie, you.
And if this or similar is the issue, then of course your mental health is affected.
So the whole family is affected.
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

I really genuinely don’t believe he has any type of autism. Time will of course tell but I do recognise a lot of these behaviours are normal at this age. What isn’t perhaps normal is his total rejection of me in favour of his dad. I get that I might get ‘go away mummy’ but I never get a hug or kiss, never get asked for, no signs of wanting me to share in joy and I really do all of those things.

Who tends to be the disciplinarian at home? How does your husband react when your son screams/hits you?

What happens when it's just you and your son? (I.e. no husband or sibling about).

As I’ve said if we substitute hate for

He doesn’t seek my approval or company or comfort

He shows signs of resisting all the above from me but accepts it and seeks it from others

You've said a few times that even if you could see a GP, you wouldn't.

Why?

It isn’t too bad then and he can be lovely but when I think about it he still isn’t massively affectionate. If he hurts himself or if I tell him off he cries for daddy. I used to think it was just dad being the novelty factor and I’m the boring one but honestly after this weekend I don’t think so.

Come on. Look at these responses. I’m a danger, my poor child, you should leave. I know I know … SS don’t come in and swoop and take children but they are an invasive and distressing system to be in and I’m really not going to get involved in that.