Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

He’s in bed asleep.

What do you honestly think I am going to do?

If I was actually going to harm him, wouldn’t I have done it by now? Instead of removing myself from the situation and him and going into a different room and seeking help online?

Does that really sound like a child at risk of imminent harm to you?

That advice works up to the point it doesn't

You are burning out and people who are burnt out cannot do that.

You need to look after yourself now for a bit as otherwise you will not be able to return to being an emotionally supportive parent.

I confess I've not read all of the thread but I wanted to say that no child in the land hates their mum at 3.
Something is leading to this distress in him which is leading to the behaviour.
Have you heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance?
I have BEEN YOU. He doesn't hate you.
I feel for you very much

But ‘help’ can also give you techniques to use as well as explaining why things happen. Parenting courses, especially when you are dealing with behaviour that is outside the norm, could give you other parents to talk to who are going through similar things, plus ideas to try. It seems hopeless just now, but there are things that can be done.

Admitting it isn’t working to the wider world is the first, hard step. And admitting that there are things that can help is the next.

Having to stop yourself from hurting him, stopping thinking of him as having a name and refusing to tell anyone or get help is how children end up dead.

You badly need help. You are not a bad person, you are an unwell person.

You say you have come to ask for help online but everything that has been suggested has been rejected.
I know it sounds harsh but no one on here can help you. You have to be the one. It can get better.

I do agree with that @Octavia64 bur I’m not sure how.

Even if I had anywhere to go, I think if DS had time exclusively with his dad … honestly it would be his dream. I’ve probably exaggerated some stuff (unintentional just being a bit dramatic as at a low point) but I’m not exaggerating the extent to which DS doesn’t want me around when dad is here. So if I go and leave him with dad that’s exacerbating that.

And I don’t have anywhere to go anyway!

You are not the judge of what helps me.

Some posts are helpful. That, incidentally, is not one of them!

You might find it helpful to talk to someone about this.

Some people feel that just talking about it to someone who listens is helpful.

If that resonates then the Samaritans are on 116123

I’m not talking about you harming him at this second. It’s an ongoing situation, you’ve said you have to stop yourself hurting him, you could snap at any point if you don’t get help, but you don’t want to.
The person I know I mentioned upthread didn’t plan to hurt her child either, but she snapped and killed him.
The things you have posted suggest he is at a very real risk from you. Not now, while he’s in bed, but tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. If you told a mental health crisis team that you have to stop yourself from hurting your child and that you don’t even think of him by his name, then you can bet your bottom dollar they would take that seriously.

When your 3 year old is a teenager or a young man and he asks why you didn’t seek support for how you felt towards him as a child, what are you going to say?

you say you want to love him - you do the right thing and you get help.

So, to be a little bit flippant, you have a DH problem

What does he say/do when all this is going on?

I think synonyms that might be more appropriate and probably more conducive in helping people to understand are

He rejects me in favour of others
He doesn’t enjoy my company
He doesn’t seek comfort or affection from me
He objects if I ever touch him

Evening, OP. We hope you don't mind but we wanted to pop by with some links to support.

Facing Parenthood might be a good place to start. It's just one of the links on our Mental Health webguide, so there are other numbers and emails there you could try, too.

We would echo what others have said, though and also contact your GP for some help. The situation doesn't sound tenable and you both deserve it to be resolved in a positive way. We'd also say that while support and advice on Mumsnet can be enormously helpful, real-life help is irreplaceable and we do hope you can find it in you to talk honestly to people around you about this who may be able to help.

I've read it now and although PDA or something similar MIGHT be in play, the most pressing issue is your mental health.

Again, I have been where you are after my second baby. I didn't realise for a long time it was PND. Your posts do suggest this (I am a mental health professional as well as having lived experience).

I urge you to seek help. If no GP go private again.

The thing with depression is IT TELLS US our symptoms or issues aren't depression. IT TELLS US things like you have been rejected, it's forever and you may as well move out. These are SYMPTOMS of an illness.

Please believe us, we aren't judging you or playing anything down, you are in a heartbreaking and terrifying situation. You need professional support.

Strange that it took almost a whole page of ignoring the repeated 'how old is he op?' before you finally answered the age question. What was the reason you consistently ignored that question? You obviously knew you wouldn't get the answers you wanted if you answered that question. Even harder to fathom that you actually believe a three year old child with a limited understanding is making a rational decision here. Why do people keep asking if you have spoken to your husband? Because at 3 years old maybe your husband needs to start telling him that he doesn't speak to mummy like that. He's old enough to understand that.

Thank you @HebeMumsnet

I don’t know if people realise just how bad the GP situation is. That £12.46 was originally £92.46. £80 went on a private GP appointment - for DS - and as you can see I am not rich.

Something delicate like this would require an advance appointment and you just can’t get through. Really, you can’t: I wouldn’t have left myself with less than £13 if you could.

No one is at risk of harm but I do wish people would accept the threads helpful even if I’m not always doing as I’m told 🤣

I missed the post about your DH.

If he's not helping address this and being supportive (including not just lapping up being "favoured") then he needs to step up.

If he won't then this IS a part of the problem.

Your kid is at risk of harm though. You may not see signs that other people can see, very clearly

Not really strange @CheeryPye . I evaded it on purpose because I knew I’d get chest beating and HE’s THREE yes I fucking know I gave birth to him and his date of birth features on every password I have

What is unusual isn’t this behaviour for a three year old. It’s that it’s only aimed at me. And that it isn’t ever broken. Like if he said I hate you, get off me but then an hour later gave me a hug or wanted to sit with me … but he doesn’t.

Oh well.

With kindness, the question was Have you heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance?

You do seem to be avoiding quite important questions. I'm actually concerned there may be something far more unhealthy going on with yourself here. Sorry.

If you told the GPs receptionist what you’ve written here about wanting to hurt him and not thinking of him by his name, you would certainly get an appointment with someone.

Like you I was very reluctant to seek antidepressants as I felt that my anxiety was a rational response to my son's violence - I kind of thought you wouldn't tell the victim of domestic violence to medicate. I couldn't bring myself to phone anyone so I put an econsult in with my GP. I have found that talking to the GP was helpful and the antidepressants have taken the edge off and helped me remain calmer whilst dealing with very challenging behaviours. My DS is 10 and is autistic and has ADHD and a learning disability. His behaviour became much worse when DD came along.

It is v hard when others don't see the behaviours though. DS can literally move from telling me that he is going to slit my throat to smiling at a stranger and asking if they're having a nice day.

Do please seek help for you and your boy.

Would PDA really manifest itself only at one person, though, with no other signs at all. and only emerge very suddenly at a big life change?

It’s not really with kindness when you say things like avoiding important questions. It’s a fast loving thread. I’m in tears so yeah. I miss stuff