Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

Most people are concerned about your mental health, op, and think you need support and maybe medication. There is no need for that to involve social services.

Defo start with the health visitor for advice. Sounds like he's really testing the boundaries and beyond x

Are you a stay at home parent OP or working but on maternity leave? I completely agree it is way to much when it’s constant and there is no break or respite.
if you have to tag team with one child each when DH is there- will DH ensure he brushes his teeth and eats vegetables and does the things he may not want to do?

I'm with @Newsenmum here too. Once I've had my say I'm leaving this thread.
The attitude, aggression, the rude responses to people trying to help, the laughing emojis (really?!) and the general refusal to get help are just showing me that it's more a case of jealousy that your son prefers everyone else to you! And you're put out about it. He's three years old and your hatred of him is appalling, he will definitely be picking up on this.
I'm sorry but nothing is going to improve for you unless you lose the attitude and get some help. I worked in Mental Health for 22 years, I have depression myself. I'm sorry, but your responses on here are not the typical responses of a depressed person.
You've also shown you're ok to pour all your attention into your other child, if you were genuinely depressed, you wouldn't care about anything at all, not just pick and choose what suits!
You've already stated that you've been dramatic, this tells me all I need to know!
I hope your son is ok and that you find peace, but nothing will ever change while you have this attitude.

He will but only with me standing over him @RosieLeaLovesTea

For example today DS had breakfast - egg on toast and cherry tomatoes. Great. Then he found a stray bag of crisps and wanted them. I said yes as it was me who left them out (only pom bears of something) but then DH gave him some biscuits and then was asking if he wanted ice cream and a cake and you do have to say woah … enough junk food.

People just posting to say I’m so horrible your poor child … oh, do one, really. I do everything. I cook, I buy toys, take them to activities, sort the medical stuff, I die a bit inside because I’ve been shat on for two solid days and I’m the world worst. Sod off.

Talk to your husband OP.

Tell him how you feel. Exactly how you feel.

Your H needs to big up mummy to three year old. If you are not going to seek help elsewhere at least give DH a chance to try and bridge this void.

What else can you possibly expect when you put in black and white that you have to stop yourself from "really hurting him" and that you no longer even think of him by his name?

Can you genuinely not see that these are signs that you need help and someone needs to ensure you don't one day act on your thoughts?

You must have read reports on mothers who kill their children. You understand that it builds up to that, from thoughts and feelings like you are expressing and that before they snapped they too would have been saying they aren't going to tell anyone, there's no help etc.

The biggest danger here is that you cannot see there is danger here.

Your anger at the suggestion and inability to recognise the above is another sign that someone needs to intervene and help you.

Was he like this before baby came along? Could it be jealousy that baby has taken your time and attention?

What would happen if at bedtime, for example, Daddy tells him he is too tired to read the story and tell him mummy will read instead. When the tears/screaming start, daddy tells him that If he behaves like that, he won't get a story and then has to face the consequences of his actions. Basically, have your husband as the 'bad guy' for a bit.

If son is OK when it's just the two of you, have husband take the baby for a couple of hours on a weekend and you go out with your son to do something, whether it's visit the library or go swimming or something. Maybe initially he will fight against it but do it regularly so he associates time with you as fun.

I’m saying ‘poor child’ because you said you don’t even think of him by his name, and that you have to stop yourself from hurting him. You said that. But you’ve since said that you’re ’being dramatic’, so shall we assume you were lying when you said that? I hope so, as it would be preferable to it being true.

So I come here broken and crying and despairing. I admit I’m having some horrible thoughts which I should not be having but seriously, mothers who kill their children whilst posting on MN? It’s a serious issue to be sure and I don’t wish to be flippant but I do feel that I’m not the one being dramatic now.

When someone is constantly rude to you, unpleasant to you, and it isn’t even countered with ‘nice’ stuff then your temper does get frayed.

I have certainly indulged in a few inappropriate fantasies of booting particularly trying people in my work life. Twenty years later and I am yet to kick anyone.

Ok, I’m sorry that I believed you when you said you wanted to hurt your child. Apologies.

You aren't listening to what is actually being said here.

Nobody said while posting onmumsnet right now. In the next half hour. Tonight. Tomorrow.

People are saying that it can deteriorate and people can and do go from thoughts and feeling to acting on them.

Yes. I’ll admit that. I’ll admit this evening I’ve been thinking of him as ‘that little shit’ and other horrible things after the eighty seventh whine of get OFFFFFF me mummy.

I’ll admit I felt a surge of real hatred towards him as he snuggled up with his dad and pushed me away when I tried to comfort him. I’ll admit I walked away from him and I just sorted the other child because really what could I do … he wasn’t letting me near him.

I just wish I hadn’t had them. I can’t kill myself although I would like to because even though Ds doesn’t think he needs me, he does. I know he really doesn’t want me but I have to make sure he doesn’t have thirty six black decaying teeth by the time he starts school. And the baby does love me. Mind you Ds used to, there’s time for that to change. So I’m not going anywhere. But living with someone who so vocally rejects you is not much fun.

I am not listening because believe it or not I do know myself and my situation better than you do.

There's a difference between an adult being horrible to you and a 3 year old. He doesn't think like an adult and maybe you need to understand that.

I empathise OP, I have felt the very same, and it is awful.

I remember the feeling of something clicking in my mind and feeling detached. It is a self preservation thing. Mine wore off gradually. I have had this with both of my children at different times.

I had thought of moving out with one child. Thought of moving away alone and just sending as much money home as possible as my contribution to the family. Thought of moving into our garage.

You are not alone.

Please be reassured that things can and will get better one way or another. It might take a while, but they will.

I'm not going to offer advice or suggestions as you've had lots of good ones already on here, and I can hear that you are finding them unhelpful and feel a bit under attack while you are so upset.

Would you like to keep talking though? Could be about something unrelated for a bit?

What you don’t seem to be able to distinguish between is a want which is a surge of emotion and a want that you would act on. Have you ever been in a rush and felt a want to shove the slow person in front of you out of the way? I have. I also know I would never ever do so and indeed if I was rushing and accidentally knocked into someone I would be very apologetic and mortified. A surge of feeling - a rush of blood - happens to most mere mortals. It does not mean they will act on it.

It had brought me immense comfort to know I am not alone @Wavywoo

It is so distressing. I envisioned all sorts of things when I became a parent but I never, ever believed this would happen, ever.

You are seeing attacks on you when the reality is people are genuinely worried about you.

I don't know you from Adam but I am genuinely concerned about your situation and want you to not be in this position but I know its not just going to magically improve.

I've had long term mhp. I have had several stays in mental health units. I have attempted suicide in the past, I have intrusive thoughts, I am currently in a severe phase, (which is clear plans of how and when) thst I am trying to struggle through. I had post partum psychosis and thought my baby had died during delivery and been replaced by a demon.

I understand I promise you I truly am not judging you. You need help. You can't do this alone.

You said you have to stop yourself from hurting him. Which suggests you think you could act upon it, as you have to stop yourself.
Anyway, this is pointless. I hope you get some help for his sake, but I don’t think you will. As I said, I wish him well.

It isn’t an attack on me but it is stopping me getting help from the thread because I am constantly responding to the same posts from the same people.

I'm glad that is some relief to you. I never expected it either, it was so distressing. I'm so sorry that you are going through it.

Are you on mat leave?

OK, fine. I'll leave the thread.

I genuinely hope you get help from someone.

Thank you. I am yes.

I have been trying to pin point when things got so bad. The baby’s arrival was the trigger but it is as if we’ve all got into bad habits and can’t get out of them.