Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

Quite hard when you’re not allowed anywhere near them though @SallyWD

So no, fear not the are you a threat to your child posters. I’m just avoiding him now which is what he wants so all is good. Dad did bath and bedtime story while I dealt with the other.

It’s just how it has to be I think but like I say … really wasn’t what I wanted or thought would happen.

This.

Do you not have a good relationship with him op?

OK. So you've well and truly snapped.

You have a duty to this tiny child. He didn't ask to be born, he isn't capable of reasoning, he doesn't have the capacity to regulate his behaviour.

You can. So do your duty and make a change now. Decide now. Don't be passive and say "something changed inside me" - you make the choice. You then choose to fulfil your responsibilities to this human being.

We’re only asking if you’re a threat to him because you said you’re a threat to him. You said you have to stop yourself hurting him.

This is a really good post.

You LITERALLY posted you have to stop yourself from hurting him?

If he doesn't like you in his space then sit and start playing a game or with his cars or colouring and let him come into your space. It will be much gentler if he feels he's in control. Getting dressed, pick 2 outfits you like and let him choose which one he wants to wear. He wants control so let him have some.

I think OP just wants to vent and get her feelings out. It might be incredibly unpleasant to hear but it doesn't mean she is going to hurt him. I don't think it's helpful having an online scrap with her.

Alot of the suggestions aren't going to help. I totally understand that. I certainly wouldn't be phoning social services unless I was actively planning a way to hurt my child.

I had some awful thoughts. I asked a friend if she ever imagined punching her child. We were joking, it was dark and crass but we both laughed our heads off when we both said yes and felt better. Never in a million years have I or would I. I've imagined running people over. I haven't done it. Our thoughts can be dark at times. It's reality under extreme stress for many.

OP, if you aren't already I'd try some antidepressants and ask for a prescription for diazepam to use in emergencies. It's habit forming so needs to be taken sparingly.

I don’t have any useful advice.
My DS did a lot of externalising behaviours - hitting, biting, pulling my hair, never settling - all of these things. It was so hard work. I honestly think if he had come first I would not have had another DC. Everything I had practically got damaged or broken.
I was a single parent from when he was two (the behaviour started before then) so I could not have left, and no idea whether I thought this might be an idea or not; I also had to work and DS would not settle in nursery either. It was very, very difficult.
So, I hear you.
You have also got a baby to look after and you must be exhausted.
I don’t remember when it stopped. I did have him tested for ASD and he has sensory processing issues. I did get help from an occupational therapist who helped me enormously with strategies.
My ex (DS’s dad) told me that my DS’s behaviour was down to my mental health issues but my mental health issues came with being the person dealing with DS’s behaviour all the time.
DS is a lovely teenager now, very well-mannered and doing very well. He looks out for me in his own way. He wouldn’t dream of hurting anyone and not even verbally, he is very fair and inclusive.
So my point is that he won’t be behaving like this when he is eighteen, and probably not even when he is five or six, and hopefully not even when he is four.
I know this doesn’t help right now, but I just wanted to say I hear you.

How old is he???

In response to your first sentence not the second (how much danger can he be in when I’m posting on here, really )

It is normal some of the time. I think we’ve gone past the point of normal because it’s only aimed at me, no one else. And I really don’t think for a moment it’s because I’m his safe space. He used to be a complete mummy’s boy actually! But now we have a total volte face and our relationship has gone down the pan.

Ive tried of course to do the things you ‘should’ do, it’s just getting worse if anything. Emotionally I’ve just checked out I think.

I think OP just wants to vent and get her feelings out. It might be incredibly unpleasant to hear but it doesn't mean she is going to hurt him. I don't think it's helpful having an online scrap with her

She said she has to stop herself hurting him. My concern is less about what is helpful to the OP, and more about the child.

OP, I feel so sad for you. It sounds like you are having an awful time, I wish I could make things better for you.

Is your 3 year old the oldest? How long have you felt that he hates you, 3 is a tricky age. Is it possible that you have PND? (Sorry, I just realised how many questions I've asked)

I know how impossible it is to get a GP appt, and when you feel so defeated, you dont even see the point in trying, but it sounds like you need some support right now. The mental health charity MIND runs a service called mindful mums (although not sure if the service is countrywide or just where I am) they could be really helpful if you felt that talking in a completely non judgemental way could be helpful, MIND can also signpost you to other organisations or other places where you can get support.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. your post is so painful to read. You are not a bad mum, please don't believe that you are, you can get through this. Sending you a hug 🫂 x

Glad to hear it.
Asking isn't judging you. It's about understanding the situation in order to know what's out there to potentially help.
If you do nothing to change things then nothing will change.
You never know but maybe stepping back will be the thing that changes things. Your husband needs to do some day to day boring stuff.

Do you not trust your husband to support and help you? Is he not someone who is in your corner?

You’ve been really clear about not being able to speak to your GP and your husband so here is a list of other possibilities. If you are thinking no to every possibility then perhaps thinking about why that is could be helpful.

A friend
A relative
Health visitor
Your child’s nursery
Social services
The crisis team
111
The samaritans
A sure start centre
NSPCC support line
Action for children support line
Banardo’s support line
Mind
Support via your council (eg parenting hub), you can google your local council support.

@Talulahalula thanks. I actually find the verbal stuff more hurtful than the physical.

I just am not convinced all children love their mothers and sometimes you do get a bit of a personality clash for want of a better word.

He can take steps to ensure the safety of his children, though. He's not the person who says they hate a three year old and are struggling not to physically abuse them. He'll be able to take emergency leave from work, claim benefits as a single parent and will get support in doing so.

If he then can't cope, then they can go into care and be looked after by somebody else.

But he needs to know. So he can take the appropriate actions to ensure you're not alone with them.

It sounds as though you could do with a big hug, someone to make you a cup of tea and tell you it will all be all right. I wish I could do that, you are clearly suffering dreadfully.

I'm really sorry OP that you are struggling.

You've mentioned a lot of symptoms that are recognised as being part of postnatal depression, which it sounds like has been brought about by the birth of your second child. For example, straight from the NHS website:

• feeling agitated or irritable towards your partner, baby or other children
• negative thoughts such as feeling you are not a good enough mother, you are unable to look after your baby or your baby does not love you
• you have frightening thoughts about hurting your baby (these can be scary, but people with these kinds of thoughts rarely harm their baby)

This isn't to say that you 3 year old isn't a total horror who is pushing you to the brink. It sounds like they may well be much more challenging than the average child.

However it has contributed to your illness and you are seeing it through the fog of illness now.

When did things start to change? Gradually? Birth of sibling? When he started nursery?

@bringmelaughter ive no intention of talking to anyone.

It will be same old. You’re the safe space, be calm and consistent, he’s jealous, maybe that’s all true but there does come a point where you realise the temporary situation isn’t temporary.

My child has rejected me. That hurts, I’m human, and it does. I want to love him and I can’t.

Do you think people that snap and hurt their children do this in a planned way then?

It's clear how much pain the OP is in and people want to help but they can't ignore a very real and current risk to a young child.
A risk that the OP seems only to be disclosing to strangers on here so there is potentially no-one in her life that knows how bad things are.
That's not safe for anyone and actually I'm worried about the OP's safety too.

OP can you call 111 and speak to a mental health professional tonight? You sound like you're in a lot of pain over your whole situation and could benefit from having a snotty cry down the phone to someone.

I have wondered about PND but honestly the baby is mostly a dream and I am very bonded and happy.

I am honestly not a horrible person. I know the love is there but nine months of offering that love and having it rejected in such a horrible manner - it’s there I am sure but it’s buried and at the moment I can’t get it out. Doesn’t mean I never will.

It does feel though things are worse rather than better.

You must understand that these statements from you are genuinely hugely concerning and something that needs intervention.