Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

He'll never like you if you don't like him op. You need to change you, not your little boy

Wavywoo... I think you should give the advice you feel she needs and leave others to do the same.

£12.96 in your account, how much is in DH's account?
Do you have access to his credit card/debit card and if not, why not?

Sounds like it might be financial abuse as well.

My granddaughter was like this and was an only child at the time. Dad was very hands on and I felt undermined my daughter on many occasions making my daughter feel inadequate. He would also give in to granddaughters demands all the time so she naturally wanted to be with dad as she was getting what she wanted, it was heartbreaking for my daughter. The only reason it changed is that she had another two children and I think with the second child dad became less interested and invested and let my daughter get on with it and this in turn increased my daughters confidence and changed granddaughters behaviour as dad wasn't so available, she is now six and they have a lovely relationship. Look towards your partner more and see if there is any evidence of this going on.

Three is really really hard. Three with a new baby is even tougher. The problem is compared with the new baby he seems so grown up and your expectations of him are too high. I'm not criticising - we all do it with the older children to some extent unfortunately. It's so easy to forget when he's walking, talking and stating his opinions VERY clearly that he's still just a baby too and hasn't developed empathy for others yet or any skills at all to help him manage his own emotions.

He is hurting deeply inside. He is desperately jealous of the 'dream' baby who is next to Mummy all the time and is impossibly cute. My advice would be do not give up. Try to spend 20 minutes of quality alone time with him per day. Just be child led if he doesn't want you to touch him just sit with him while he plays just no phones and no baby. Do an activity per week while Dad has baby something you both enjoy- swimming, babycchino at a coffee shop, throwing a ball to each other anything! Build the love back slowly it will come. It's 100% normal for a child to show a strong preference for one parent at this age. He's chosen Dad because he knows baby needs you more. My older boy chose Dad when my second child was born. However exhausted I was I made sure we got our 20 minutes together. He's 9 now and still a Daddy's boy but also loves spending time with me and is very affectionate.

Read some parenting blogs when you're up with baby this comes up again and again I recommend ahaparenting.

The reason I asked you how you got on with him was because a little child does not typically have such an extreme reaction to its own mother unless someone else is ensuring it is so. Your husband is key; how well are you getting on?

What comes through in your posts is that you know your DS’s needs and you care deeply about making sure he is alright, and you will keep doing that, and he will be alright, and that is down to you, not your DH. And it is also okay to feel rage and express that here in a way DS doesn’t and will not know. It is also okay to be sad because things are not how you want them and you feel rejected by the child you have done everything for. But what I would counsel against is turning all this inside on yourself. Depression is the natural feeling I think of not being able to change anything, but that is because it does feel overwhelming- it sounds like your husband does not have your back and he does not support you (indeed, may well be undermining you) and when you are exhausted, it is difficult to see a way forward or indeed out of a situation.

But actually, by getting on here and expressing your rage and beginning to articulate some of this, you are taking the first steps through and of not just accepting this is how it is. You might not have any answers yet (and neither do I), but I do think it is important to start articulating some of the issues.

My eldest prefers me to his dad (due to differences in parenting style) and will say he hates his dad sometimes and it does create a weird family dynamic because my youngest is now very much daddy is best. And I understand how hard it is when they are saying go away mummy and I want daddy etc and you can't get close enough to hug/cuddle/chat without them getting angry and I have been really upset with it this weekend as well and not sure what to do. I sometimes wonder if there is some kind of family therapy we can access to discuss the dynamics between us all. I have not read everything got the impression your DH is actually a large part of the problem but you think he won't change. I sympathise with that as well as mine often doesn't want to take on board anything that could be seen as a criticism. Can you manage around him though like if the feeding junk food is an issue just don't buy anything like that?

The reason why people keep suggesting speaking with a GP is because they are the gatekeepers for all services provided by the NHS. They will refer you on to the correct department.

There are child psychologists, child psychiatrists along with other support available for you and your son.

I live in the most densely populated area of the UK and I am able to secure a GP appointment when I phone up bang on when they open, so I don't think it's quite true that you say you're unable to get an appointment. It's not that you can't get an appointment, it's that you won't get one.

You should have had support from your husband with this long before it got to this stage. He should have seen that something is wrong and support you in getting to the bottom of it. You have previously questioned others asking you to speak to your husband, as if what difference it would make? He is your husband and co-parent. It's strange that he hasn't picked up on this and tried to get help.

You're quite clearly struggling and you need help. It's not normal for a mother to have to try not hurting their child and it's not normal to not think of their child by their name.

Instead of responding to people trying to help you with passive aggression and sarcasm, seek help. There will be countless parents who have dealt with this before - many of which on mumsnet. Listen to and heed good advice that has been given.

Don't let it get any worse than it already is.

I’m glad you’re feeling calmer op. Can I please reassure you that nobody can ever say a child is just like this and will never change when they are 3. There is so much change coming. I have seen some complete personality changes and my childhood nickname has people surprised as they don’t relate it at all to what they see as my personality as an adult.
i have had all these behaviours from my eldest, but it would be so much harder if it were nonstop so I do feel for you. It’s shit to be miserable about your children, it’s so stigmatised. Can I ask has your dh done anything to help? My eldest rejected me often at that age, we had a plan and every time he pushed me away Dh would give me a big cuddle/ kiss, say oh we love mummy. So modelling the behaviour we wanted.
you say you won’t do therapy, can I ask why? Because I think therapy just for you might really help you with coping. This is a tough situation. Resilience is perhaps the most important of life skills and the sad reality is some of us need that much more than others, there’s no shame in asking for help. I think of myself as tough and resilient but let’s be honest, those kids really know how to drain every last shred of coping you had in you. You sound like a great mum, I really hope for you that this is just a phase but I also urge to seek whatever help you can, get your dh more on side, and take time out for yourself, a few hours every weekend, an evening hour midweek, to recover your centre.

Sorry wrong quote.

Hi OP, I have actually done this and been the one to move out. The situation was a little different, but the result the same so perhaps helpful. I completely understand how you feel. Mothers are expected to be emotional punch bags, to prove their love. Anyway my situation was that my husband took no part emotionally in the family, he was completely passive and looked to me to be emotional centre of the home. Our DD (only child) unfortunately hated him, and also looked to me to somehow drive what become a completely hideous triangle, where I was basically a translator between between the two of them and effectively living their lives for them. I moved out because I was basically just worn out and done with it you only have one life. Also I felt that with me there the two of them would just never bloody grow up! Without me, my husband would have to step up, and my DD would have to engage with him. I did 'come and go' so I didn't file for divorce, although I knew the family in that set up was over. I didn't take DD with me as she was settled where she was. And frankly I thought it was the right thing to do to learn to deal with her father. I won't say it's been easy at all. We were very helped by my DD wanting to stay in the boarding wing of her school, which although expensive, connected her with friends and meant that she didn't wholly depend on her dad, She was 15 by this time, so not little. Anyway, the short version of all this, is that the separation was the best thing for us all. My husband has truly stepped up, and has become the father to DD that I always knew he could be. DD in turn no longer hates him, loves him in fact. My relationship with her has improved, because I have a life of my own now. It's not easy, but my resolve has never weakened. There are no role models for the mother putting herself first. But I knew I was contributing to a terrible dynamic and even if it caused pain in the short term it was the right thing for everyone. Also, I would simply have had a breakdown if I had been forced to stay. I have come to realise that no matter what people tell you you ought to do, or you must do, sometimes, you just can't. Hope that helps.

I understand. My dd is autistic, probably with adhd but I've never really investigated that. I just work round...whatever is going on. She's a strange mix in terms of attachment. Hyper clung to me for years, now at almost 10 it goes between that and a terrible scorn and contempt for me. Recently a train driver, having seen how she was talking to me, pulled her up on it. Its really hard, like being booted in the face by the person you love most and are trying to help. I have flipped the v's behind a closed door many times over the last 6 months. I don't know why its happening. Maybe hormones.

It's not the same situation but I say it to let you know I understand how it feels. It's wearing, upsetting, frustrating, heartbreaking, and relentless.

A 3 year old, it'll be a more visceral thing i imagine, more than likely the baby. He's been 'replaced' so he 'hates' you? People are advocating you go to a gp because, well it's not really about your son at this point. If you're OK, he'll be OK. They will likely just offer you anti depressants, maybe that would help? The other thing is possibly looking into behavioural things for kids. Maybe your dh has to take over the discipline for him.

The other thing would be stop seeking any affection from him but respond if he comes seeking it? I don't know...I'm throwing ideas out but none of us really knows.

It's shit, but you'll get through this. Get out as much as you can x

Thanks. I do appreciate the response, especially those that didn’t endlessly drone on about GPs and HVs!

He isn’t bad at all when it’s just me and the children. When dad is around it is horrible and as you can see nearly broke me this weekend.

I just remembered there i know a couple that did separate parenting because while parenting together however their dd was, it caused hugely divisive issues. So they just took her out separately. Seemed to help. Just do what works to keep your sanity intact and forget 'norms' while hes like this.

How are you feeling today OP?

Your username is a bit optimistic!

Better. He’s always better when it’s just me.

Yes, I think your last paragraph here is the issue. I think I would have intuited from what you said that when it is you and the DC, you get along fine because you have clear and thoughtful boundaries and when DH is there, you need to play bad cop to enforce those boundaries. You are the one thinking about when DS needs rest; which foods will cause hyper behaviour; when he will be overstimulated by certain activities and so on, and enforcing that.

I know that you also say DH won’t change, but actually DH is taking the easy way here and he also must surely be able to see the issues this causes. If he is a decent man, he will be open to discussing a more collaborative parenting way forward with you.

If you won’t get anywhere with that, then quite frankly, I would be leaving him to it over the weekend when it gets to the situation you describe, and then thinking how you best support DS on Monday when he is overwhelmed and overdone and just detaching. And I say that because of the dynamic you describe where you end up with the baby and DH has DS. The issue is DH here, and the changing dynamic of two parents, not that DS hates you or will hate you when he is eighteen. I think you have a difficult situation, and I hope you are not financially dependent on your DH longer term. And if you are just now, I would be looking at ways to change this as the baby gets older. And I say this with absolute kindness and understanding of what you say about not being able to change things now.

I cross posted. I am glad you feel better today.

I know what you mean @Talulahalula but I do think in many ways I have to if only for safety reasons sometimes.

I don’t think for a moment DH is a bad man or anything like that. We’ve had a tricky patch with financial pressures and poor sleep and work pressures so I am reluctant to introduce some criticisms.

I do think DH has quite low expectations generally and mine are probably sometimes too high so it’s not a good combination!

So glad that things seem a little better today 😊

Your updates making me think it’s almost more a DH problem. I don’t think it’s uncommon for additional issues to arise when the non-main carer is around. It is also not uncommon for children to massively favour one parent for months at a time and almost shun the other. It’s hard but use it to your advantage to get a bit of time off.

Could you and the baby go away and stay with relatives for a weekend? It would give you a break from DS and also DH would have to properly parent for an extended period of time and get to see the consequences of junk food/poor routines etc. Alternatively could DH take DS to relatives and you stay at home?

I still think there is probably some neurodiversity going on and that investigating some of the websites and books mentions upthread would be helpful, but getting DH on board (present any weekends as positive fun things to all involved) could be the key to you getting some space.

You will be in tune with your DC’s much more than DH because you spend so much more time with them. Something that is obvious to you will not be to DH, hence why he might do things that seem bonkers to you, on top of possibly just being less on it when it comes to being healthy etc. As they age, and are able to communicate this will change a bit. You probably underestimate how much of an expert in your own children you are.

For what it’s worth I think you love your DS to bits, which is why it hurts so much when he says and does what he does.

What you did wrong was shutting him in his room alone for 2 minutes. You don’t do that to a three year old.

If you, as a parent, are out of control, this is exactly what you do. When you are in control, then no, it is not ideal.