Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

Sounds like you'd be happier if he was taken away though OP?

I really do believe things can get better and I also get why you don't feel they can right now.

You need someone to be able to hold that hope for you in your life. Friend, relative, counsellor, just someone.

@DixonD actually removing yourself or the child from the situation in that moment is exactly the right thing to do. Not as punishment but to give a bit of time to breathe and regain control.

I will definitely look into neurodiversity in play for your DS OP. He might be too young now but just keep an eye and be there for him. It is tough tough situation but you can't give up on him!

@Starlight1979 do you think your post is in any way helpful? Constructive? Were you actually trying to help or just thought you'd be a fucking twat to a struggling parent this morning?

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better this morning; it’s a cliche, but things often do seem better after a night’s sleep.

@Talulahalula is very wise again, I think. It seems to me that DH is a big part of the problem here, even if he is a good man and doesn’t mean to be. Obviously a much less extreme situation, but I am more outgoing and energetic than my DH and my older DD saw me as more obviously “fun”. So I tried to redress that balance by pointing out to her that Daddy worked really hard so that we could go and have fun and do x, y and z. So that she realised that he did make a huge contribution to things, even if he wasn’t at his best on the “front line” sometimes. And I do think your DH needs to step up to this. When your DS is saying something negative or unkind, your DH needs to be the one to say “Don’t be unkind/don’t be rude to Mummy/Mummy works hard to make good food so you’ll be healthy” (whatever). DH needs to be your advocate here. And I’d make that point to him. Because if you were both - for example - just chucking cake at the little boy all day, he wouldn’t be very healthy. DH can only have the lax boundaries because you have firmer ones (just like I could only swan around taking DD to ballet and ice cream parlours because DH was sitting in an office).

I would talk frankly to your DH. And if he won’t change, I also agree with @Talulahalula that I’d leave him to it for the day/weekend or whatever. Let him be the one to have to
insist on the bath/tooth brushing/healthy dinner or whatever. Much less extreme than moving out as you were suggesting last night, but may give you the breather that you need for your own sanity.

@Starlight1979 absolute dick

😂

We all parent differently. I don’t have many absolutes but no kicking is one of them.

OP, back in the day, there was a couple of episodes of House of Tiny Tearaways which featured a little girl of 3 called Lucie who was overly attached to her mum and couldn’t stand her dad. I’ve looked it up and it was season 1 episode 8. If you can watch that (or any of them) they might be useful.

Yes just a little optimistic!!

Glad you are feeling better. I think from reading your posts you have 2 issues - your DH & the way in which your child’s behaviour is impacting on your mindset.

I don’t know if at all useful but it might be helpful to think of it this way - it is just your child’s behaviour not him as a person that you are at your wits end with. We all get angry, sad etc but we are not defined by our emotions. He needs you even though he doesn’t know it and can’t always show you.

2 minutes in their room is not the end of everything. Sometimes everyone needs a break.

And by break I mean time out, space to reflect for a few minutes away from the triggers and people. I don’t mean relaxing spa!

I have read the full thread and given it a lot of thought. what strikes me is that if one of my children had been doing this to me kicking, telling me to get off etc. my husband wouldnt have just swooped in and done the there, there, there bit. absolutely he would have said no you go and apologise to mum first. you dont have a 3 year old problem. you have a husband problem. he sees this behaviour and rewards it by cuddling him. nothing changes if nothing changes so you need your husband to step up first. at the moment the 3 year old is calling all the shots and basically playing you off against each other.

Please reach out for help from the GP/therapy. Hes 3 fgs. That age is incredibly difficult but things will get better. Can you have some bonding time with him? Even just 30 mins to play a game/walk to feed the ducks/eat an ice cream. Dont give up on him

You definately need a break from this as you sound desperate . id say leave BOTH kids and get some air and freedom in a hotel somewhere.

some kids are really very challenging, it could be an undiagnosed mental or ND issue but right now that’s not helpful.

what I will say is he doesn’t hate you . He’s too young to hate ! But something is fucking troubling this kid and you need some distance and space and techniques to manage .

in fact a child psych will be so experienced that within a few sessions they will have some idea what’s going on

but get some space and a mental break

and don’t dismiss the idea that the professionals can help here , they will have seen this and worse

Dear Better,
I feel you.
Have you ever seen the film "There's something about Kevin"?
It's about a boy who - since he was born - hated his mother (Tilda Swinton[ but was nice to everybody else. The boy was extremely well behaved with everybody he encountered, so nobody believed the mother when she said that he voluntarily hurt her and belittles her. The mother became the scapegoat of her village because everybody only saw "such a nice and wellbehaved boy".
I don't remempber the film exactly, but all you've written so far is enough to make me remmber boig scenes in it.
I wish you all the best and I really understand how you are driven to the brink of sanity.

Oh yes, the book about the boy who grows up and kills his family. I really don't think that's a helpful comparison at all! Jesus Christ...
Its perfectly normal for 3 year olds to behave like this, particularly if a new sibling has arrived. I don't believe this boy even has any ASD symptoms. He's most likely just a little boy who's feeling hurt and playing up because a new baby has arrived.

@Pokske 😬 that's not the best example to use right now I think

OP it is your reaction to this which is concerning. This is why you’ve been told to see your gp. What else did you want from this thread?

There’s a strong chance you have pnd which you are not dealing with. Your son is responding to that. And your reaction is making it worse. Full circle. You’re not listening to anyone. Can’t tell if it’s arrogance or deep depression or both.

It’s pretty sad you write all this and then don’t think ‘I need to get help’. What do you end do? Wallow in self misery and have a bad relationship for the next 10 years? 🤔

How often are you with him?

How is the baby?

@Lelophants people really have dark thoughts sometimes. Many of us in similar positions have gone through it. OP does not want to go to the GP right now. It's often soul destroying hearing the same stuff they come out with. The one thing GP is going to offer are antidepressants. We all know nothing else at all is going to be provided. OP doesn't want this right now.
OP doesn't need parenting classes or to be flagged to SS. She just needs to vent her dark thoughts. And I believe sincerely she isn't going to do anything concerning. Sometimes someone just saying it's crap, it gets better and sometimes mums move out and that's ok is probably all that's needed here.

I did think that 😂 He is more Kevin the teenager than we need to talk about I would say!

Just when you think you've seen it all on mumsnet! That post is so so inappropriate @Pokske it almost takes my breath away! 😮

Do you mean ‘We need to talk about Kevin’? I really hope not!

I sat on my hands till the end of the thread, and I'm glad i did because things have moved on, you've been reflective, and you seem a bit happier today, OP. Does DS go to nursery yet? Does it fit into family finances? It might be good for him to have some time learning to socialise, and it would be good for you to have a little break in the day as well.

I don't think this sounds like autism or PDA. I think it sounds like a child who is dead miffed about the arrival of the little brother, and is unconsciously but successfully splitting his parents to get back to "being the special boy" that he was before the baby arrived. He's not wrong to feel like that, you're not wrong to feel frustration and anger at his behaviour. Ive been there, right down to the resentment and fear bit. What's more, your DHs behaviour absolutely isn't helping any of you, and again, I've been there with a useless partner who only wanted to do fun things on HIS terms.

My advice, FWIW, is to build in time for you, away from the family. Even if it's just going for a walk on your own, or going to the library to read a book in peace and quiet, find something to do for a couple of hours a week that's just for you. It will recharge your batteries a bit, but it will also mean that your DH has to look after both kids, and both he and DS will begin to understand the situation a bit better.

Best of luck.