DB wants to stay in our house whilst away DH will say no

[sewknit56]

My DB and DH don't really get on due to lots of different factors but my DB has asked if him and his 2 children can stay in our house for a week whilst we are on holiday. DH hates my brother and know he won't be happy but I have said yes to DB as he is going through an extremely messy divorce and his ex wife has treated him like . She was the main learner and she left him and he is really struggling financially. When they were married due to her job they were very well off and enjoyed a lovely lifestyle and my DB wants to be able to take his kids on holiday this year but has no money to do this but staying in our house and enjoying the amenities in a different area will be lovely for his kids.

I know my DH will not be happy but it is my house too and I have no problem. So who has the final say?? Surely he is my brother and it is my house too but my DH will argue he doesn't want him in the house.

but it is his house too though isn’t it and like a lot of things when there is such a difference in opinions it is the status quo that really should be kept. Here the default is no one in the house and that should be respected
i would hate anyone in my house when I was away no matter who they were. I clean it before I go knowing when I return I can unpack straight away

You shouldn’t have said yes without discussing it with dh. I’d be furious if I’d had that dumped on me as a done deal, not a conversation.

talk to your dh today, if he really can’t accept your db being in your home, then you might need to say no to your db. Is there a valid reason for dh not wanting db in the house? (Eg he has a history of snooping or breaking things/not taking care of other peoples stuff? )

You shouldn’t have agreed to anything with talking to dh first. You have now created an issue in that you will either have to go against dh or tell your brother he can’t stay now - despite agreeing he could.

Is it worth the fallout with your dh? Why dies your husband hate your brother, neither of you have the final say, it's both your house and ideally needs to be a joint decision, you and your husband need to decide who to support and who to prioritise, would you consider renting somewhere for your brother abd his children to stay in instead,

Maybe ask yourself if you want to join your DB in the getting divorced club… then actually act like you and your DH are a partnership.

Personally I think as it’s both your and your husband’s home then if you’re not both in agreement it shouldn’t happen. If, knowing he wouldn’t agree, you agreed to let your brother stay anyway then I’d be absolutely livid if I was your husband. If you’ve a history of ignoring his feelings then, if I was him, I’d be questing the whole relationship.

DH How would you feel if DB and his DC came to stay whilst we are on holiday, I’d feel safer knowing someone is staying here and DB can go to places near us which will be good for DC.

Then he how he reacts, personally I do think you should have asked before saying DB can stay.

I am with DH
I think as you both own the house either of you can veto, plus it doesnt sound like you are close to your brother.
I wouldnt let anyone stay in my house while I was away

Your OP evades the question : why does your husband have a problem with your brother?

Instead you focus on a ridiculous victim narrative about your brother. Which suggests that your DH may have some pretty valid concerns.

I agree, this kind of decision needs 100% agreement from both of you to pass.

These moments happen in a marriage over each other's families. It is not unreasonable. Forcing your DH's hand could just create problems in your relationship as you try to lesson your DB's problems with his.

Your DB is in the position of countless women (& I'm sure some men) over the ages. Divorce leaves some of us in much poorer position.

I understand where you're coming from OP but don't you think this is a bit unfair on your DH? You've said yes without discussion, and if there's animosity between them then DH won't exactly have a relaxing holiday wondering what DB is up to in your house. Even if the answer is 'nothing', I'd certainly be on edge the whole time I was away.

I think you're unreasonable here, the one who doesn't want someone in their house wins it.

I wouldn't want someone I disliked in my home

I would be furious if my partner told someone they could stay in our home against my wishes. Massive invasion of privacy. It would be even worse if he knew I actively disliked them. His home is his sanctuary, it's somewhere that no one else has the right to access without his consent. I think you've messed up here to be honest OP.

Of course there is a cohort who are deeply resentful of someone touching the doorbell never mind crossing the threshold.

sadly those posters cannot accept their (delight at ) putting a wedge between siblings, and demand that their spouse be hurt whilst they themselves would never be prepared to be treated in the same way, nor actually say it themselves.

To use my SIL phrase your husband “is just not a very nice person”. He cares not for your feelings or any upset he will cause. He will relish putting your brother “in his place” to feed his own ego.

Yabu. It's your DH's home too and he's absolutely entitled to not have people he doesn't like staying in it for a week. Pay for your brother to stay somewhere if it means that much to you but the house is not wholly yours to gift in this situation.

I'm sorry OP but I think you are being very unfair on your DH. It's his house too. I would be livid if my DH sided with his sister and let her stay here if I didn't want it. Your house should be a sanctuary for both of you, it's not yours to give to your DB or anyone else as a a holiday let without both agreeing to it.

Your brother shouldn't have asked either, as it sounds like it's not just that your DH doesn't like him but that the feeling is mutual.

Honestly, I think you have only heard his side of the story and you need to consider that it usually takes a lot more for a woman to leave a her husband. Your DH hates your DB. Maybe he sees things that you don’t. Perhaps your DH knows that if DB stays with the kids you’re going to come home to a shitty mess and you’re going to be expected to sort it out. A bit like his wife probably did after working all week. I’m probably projecting, but this is the kind of thing that usually contributes to the death of a marriage, along with a partner who doesn’t pull their weight and then claims that they are being treated like shit when they are being left behind.

Why have you discounted the possibility that the OP’s brother is a nightmare and her husband has very good reasons for not wanting him in the house?

OP, does your husband ever give way?

I have been in your position where my husband magically “hated” anyone that I might want to invite, and came out with the furious/sanctuary performance.
the fact was it was just another way to abuse me and fray every familial tie or friendship that I had. The same dominator mentality as we see on the thread.

Are you reading a different thread to everyone else?

Let’s ask OP? Is he a fucking nightmare?

No.

You have chosen your brother over your husband. How do you expect him to feel?

They are just very different people who have different political views to one another. I know he would look after the house but DH would be worried that one of the children may break something. I just want to help my brother out as much as I can - we were really close but have grown apart over the years because DH and DB don't get on and it is easier to not argue with DH about it but I really want to help him to give my niblings something to enjoy as they are going through a really tough time.