Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend always asking for money

187 replies

Banana1979 · 09/04/2024 17:34

In Jan this year I got on with a new partner who was working
we were talking on and off for quite awhile before that
unfortunately he had an accident at work in early Feb and has been on ssp ever since
he has no children.
he lives about 20 miles away, so not too close, and we see each other about once a week. I go to his when DD age 9 is at her dads or nans
lately he has been asking me for money money for his Internet bill money for his food money for cigarettes. I feel awful saying no, but there are times I have given him money. I’ve just looked in my bank account and I’ve counted so far £600 I’ve given in total since Feb
£50 here £100 there £30 here it all adds up. I have said to him today a fat no short on money myself. His Internet has run out because he didn’t pay the bill last month and he is messaging me saying he’s fucked. He has no cigarettes or Internet.
I am absolutely livid with myself for giving any money to begin with, as I felt bad he couldn’t work and it would be bad to dump someone for basically losing their job through an accident
and I am even more livid with myself for being with a man who could think it’s okay to ask his partner for money for cigarettes and Internet when he knows I have a child
I said to him today, I don’t feel fucked if I don’t have money for my Internet I just get on with my day however he saying he’s suicidal because he cannot smoke or watch the TV
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this. It sounds so ridiculous, but this is what I am being met with. I think I should dump him but i don’t want him doing something stupid
yesterday he asked if I could do a food shop for him via Amazon, fresh but I just don’t have the money. Both his parents died a few years ago and he has no siblings or extended family which is making me feel bad every time I say no
I have said to him today that I have a daughter, I need to think about and any more money I get in future I need to be going on her or in my savings account and not on him
he isn’t my responsibility
I refuse to answer the phone to him today, because I know he’s going to ask for money and I said to him I did not answer the phone because my mum came round which she did, and then he sent me a message replying that I am full of excuses
I don’t know what excuses he is talking about, but his finances are not my responsibility. I am going to dump him but is there a way of doing it gently . This is affecting my mental health

OP posts:
Epidote · 10/04/2024 09:20

OP, tbh I think that most of the people would do the same as you did and gave him money because he had an accident, you got feelings for him and helping others is good, so don't feel bad about that. As the time past and you have realised that he is taking the piss it is a good sign that you are cutting the leeching out. I would feel bad and taken for granted as you feel but now you got the opportunity to keep that no as an answer and TBF to ditch him, he saying you are full of excuses and asking for cigarettes money is a red flag.

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 09:25

And are you absolutely sure he had a job and an accident? Have you physically seen an injury bare? And that he hasn’t scammed you from the start?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 10/04/2024 09:26

Incredible that some people put up with this kind of thing for so long

MissSookieStackhouse · 10/04/2024 09:36

This is someone you got together with in January this year? It’s only April now! You owe him NOTHING. He’s an absolute user and a chancer. Good that you dumped him. Now try to build up your defences so you’re not a soft touch for grifters like this in future and don’t take him back under any circumstances.

User893432374902zzx · 10/04/2024 09:48

Really scraping the bottom of the barrell with this person. No self respecting man would behave this way. Reminds us all of what shameless feckless sorts there are in the world.

Original poster
Banana1979 · 10/04/2024 09:51

SamW98 · 10/04/2024 09:05

Genuine question OP - did you ever go on dates with this cocklodger or was it always visiting each other at home?

Always visited at home 🥲

OP posts:
Creamcoconut · 10/04/2024 09:54

Just finish with him. You feel used for cash when infact your DD needs it. No you can’t give him anymore cash, can he go to citizens advice to understand what his financial entitlement is and to get help with balancing his books. This is not your issue.

Original poster
Banana1979 · 10/04/2024 09:54

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 09:25

And are you absolutely sure he had a job and an accident? Have you physically seen an injury bare? And that he hasn’t scammed you from the start?

He said he was working in construction and fell off scaffolding damaging vertebra in his back
looking back now I realise he was okay to go out and buy cigarettes and probably cannabis going by the half cut cigarettes in the box
I feel so used and so dumb and stupid because that’s what I am

OP posts:
Jf20 · 10/04/2024 09:57

Banana1979 · 10/04/2024 09:54

He said he was working in construction and fell off scaffolding damaging vertebra in his back
looking back now I realise he was okay to go out and buy cigarettes and probably cannabis going by the half cut cigarettes in the box
I feel so used and so dumb and stupid because that’s what I am

Show quote history

I’m sorry I think he’s scammed you. He’s unemployed. Please end this. He must have been asking you for money fairly immediatly.

solice84 · 10/04/2024 10:00

I bet everything he has said is bullshit
I bet you're not the first to fall for it either so don't beat yourself up

Annonymiss123 · 10/04/2024 10:03

I feel so used and so dumb and stupid because that’s what I am

Don't think like this @Banana1979 - stupid would be staying with him. You're obviously a good mum - only meeting him without introducing your DD. Your eyes are open to what a user he is, and you had the intelligence and courage to finish with him. Don't give him another thought - he's not worth it.

SamW98 · 10/04/2024 10:03

Banana1979 · 10/04/2024 09:51

Always visited at home 🥲

Show quote history

I had a feeling you’d say that.

Don't beat yourself up. These freeloaders are very good at playing the victim.

Just chalk it down to a lesson learned and next time a man doesn’t want to go out on dates and/or asks for money - block and run.

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 10:32

Op have you acted? Please don’t feel bad, these people can be very good at scamming and picking their targets. They know all the right things to say.

he’s laid it on thick though with the suicide thing, it’s sick. But he was doing anything it took to get money out you. And spending it on drugs as well.

please don’t explain, he’s an issue, just say it’s not working for you and block on everything, and please don’t let these men know where you live in future, not until you’ve been on several dates and confirmed who he is.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 10/04/2024 10:43

SamW98 · 10/04/2024 10:03

I had a feeling you’d say that.

Don't beat yourself up. These freeloaders are very good at playing the victim.

Just chalk it down to a lesson learned and next time a man doesn’t want to go out on dates and/or asks for money - block and run.

Show quote history

Yes it is surprisingly common. And then moving really fast as you're always in each others homes anyway. It creates a false sense of relationship rather than casual dating stage. Makes you very vulnerable.

if you cannot go out for dates with someone, dont pursue it. No effort from the start is a no-go. And if you meet a man who hasnt got a penny to his name that you cannot even leave rhe house and he asks you for money, they have nothing to offer in a relationship with you as a) they are broke and will cost you money you dont have spare and b) they have no problem taking money from a single parent.

I am a nice person inside and I don’t want to hurt people
This isnt a positive. What you mean is you have low standards and poor boundaries. It is probably a result of past trauma. You need to work on that urgently. Saying no isnt not being nice and hurting someone.

70sdisco · 10/04/2024 10:44

No you’re not dumb and stupid.

I find if the money is for weed/drugs or even cigarettes and vapes, they will say anything to get the money out of you. I have a family member who does that and part of you feels sorry for them and wants to help them out and you don’t want to see them starving, and the other part wants them to sort themselves out and stop putting it on you.

Jennyjojo5 · 10/04/2024 10:46

I can’t imagine being in a new relationship with a grown man who can’t support himself with his most basic needs Urghhh what a complete loser. Bin him off now; sadly you wont see a penny back of that £600

70sdisco · 10/04/2024 10:49

Agree you won’t get it back. The family member who ‘borrows’ money always disappears on universal credit payday as they have no intention of paying me back despite promising they would. They even blocked me on WhatsApp this month on the day I reminded them.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 10/04/2024 10:51

Dont send his jacket back either. He can come for it and exchange it for your money.

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 10:53

I am a nice person inside and I don’t want to hurt people. This isnt a positive. What you mean is you have low standards and poor boundaries. It is probably a result of past trauma. You need to work on that urgently. Saying no isnt not being nice and hurting someone.

I agree it’s not positive, but I think often it’s about loneliness and a desire to be in a relationship, to have someone act like they find you attractive. The op even calls him her partner at one point.

sadly that’s what these men look for, women who are lonely and want to be in a relationship. That are so pleased to be with someone they hand over cash, let them come to their house, don’t go on dates etc

he’s a piece of shit playing on women’s vulnerabilities.

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 10:54

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 10/04/2024 10:51

Dont send his jacket back either. He can come for it and exchange it for your money.

Don’t do this, he could be difficult op. Just send the jacket back and get rid fast. As he’s prob going to try to cling on for more money.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 10/04/2024 10:56

Jf20 · 10/04/2024 10:53

I am a nice person inside and I don’t want to hurt people. This isnt a positive. What you mean is you have low standards and poor boundaries. It is probably a result of past trauma. You need to work on that urgently. Saying no isnt not being nice and hurting someone.

I agree it’s not positive, but I think often it’s about loneliness and a desire to be in a relationship, to have someone act like they find you attractive. The op even calls him her partner at one point.

sadly that’s what these men look for, women who are lonely and want to be in a relationship. That are so pleased to be with someone they hand over cash, let them come to their house, don’t go on dates etc

he’s a piece of shit playing on women’s vulnerabilities.

He is. But op’s last partner was terrible too. Not addressing how vulnerable she is and why will mean nothing changes.

SamW98 · 10/04/2024 11:01

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 10/04/2024 10:43

Yes it is surprisingly common. And then moving really fast as you're always in each others homes anyway. It creates a false sense of relationship rather than casual dating stage. Makes you very vulnerable.

if you cannot go out for dates with someone, dont pursue it. No effort from the start is a no-go. And if you meet a man who hasnt got a penny to his name that you cannot even leave rhe house and he asks you for money, they have nothing to offer in a relationship with you as a) they are broke and will cost you money you dont have spare and b) they have no problem taking money from a single parent.

I am a nice person inside and I don’t want to hurt people
This isnt a positive. What you mean is you have low standards and poor boundaries. It is probably a result of past trauma. You need to work on that urgently. Saying no isnt not being nice and hurting someone.

Show quote history

Agree. If a man can’t even make the effort to go out for drinks etc first few dates then he’s setting the bar from start as a lazy partner and he’s telling you he’s not worth pursuing a relationship with.

Im not saying expect slap up meals or him to pay for everything but going to nice bars, cafes etc and taking his debit card is pretty much the starting point as you mean yo go on.

TheShellBeach · 10/04/2024 11:07

Banana1979 · 10/04/2024 09:54

He said he was working in construction and fell off scaffolding damaging vertebra in his back
looking back now I realise he was okay to go out and buy cigarettes and probably cannabis going by the half cut cigarettes in the box
I feel so used and so dumb and stupid because that’s what I am

Show quote history

You're not!
You're just very kind hearted and you thought your feelings for him were reciprocated.

Give the jacket to a charity shop. Don't waste money on Evri sending it back.

TheShellBeach · 10/04/2024 11:08

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme?
I think it would help you.

MustBeGinOclock · 10/04/2024 11:25

Just read youve ended things. Ignore the rest of my messsge. Well done you.

Just say..
Im sorry to end things this way but this is not the life I want for myself/daughter. Take care.

He is using you. Do it now. If he's suicidal it's not on you.