How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

I don’t know in which universe going to an attractive location and requesting to se specific tourist things is somehow a favor you’re doing to the host 😂 think going to be someone’s house guest is generally seen as a privilege for the guest, not the host…certainly I always see it like that when I visit people? I’m grateful they invite me and put me up and wouldn’t dream of seeing it as me doing THEM a favor

Oh my goodness: you can’t do that now OP. The moment has passed. That would be like sending a coffin with the word friendship inscribed on the top.

I would never dream of doing that of course!

We're lucky to have a number of friends who have holiday homes in lovely places and we often get an invite for a week's skiing or a summer break, which obviously saves us a lot of money on comparable accommodation as we just need flights and hire car plus it's a bonus to see our friends and hang out. I go with the expectation that we will meet half of the "in house costs" so supermarket shops etc. and 100% of the dining out costs for everyone (typically either lunch or dinner each day) as a thank you and in recognition that we're benefiting from their expenditure on these homes.

Your friends are awful/ tight fisted.

Come stay with me Llama! You are a dream.

Ha- in interests of transparency I should also warn you my kids leave their pants and wet towels on the floor and DS only communicates in monosyllables

If someone offers to put you up, you should ensure that they aren't out of pocket because of it. They are already saving you a fortune on accommodation, the least you can do is take them out for a meal/pay for a takeaway as a thank you..

Don’t invite them back - ever. I got bored of people thinking they could use us for hospitality and I don’t have house guests now. I always offer to pay if I’m staying somewhere, anyone who doesn’t is just using you and should be binned, sorry.

Hope you’re not too upset - maybe send them a bill? Xx

Worry not: my DH leaves his pants on the floor and often communicates in monosyllables.

DCs tend to be garrulous … so it could all work well.

We've friends like these, they're CF. Some people are just tight, and they approach everything in a "great we didn't have to pay for this, what a great free holiday, so nice that they're generous" whereas i (and you) would probably think "oh my gosh, those tickets were 50 quid, I must make sure we buy dinner and pay them some travel money so its all fair/i pay my way". You just have to hold them to account and be robust and confident, they won't be mortified, they'll be thinking "well if they didn't want to pay they shouldn't have offered/they should have asked us for money". Its two totally different approaches, I'd say your approach is more polite and more British in style, but if times are tough sometimes a bit of straightforward asking/telling is required.
You can either, let it go, not have them again/be conscious if you do - so when you visit somewhere just say "i can get this if you buy tonights takeaway" or "I'll grab the tickets, its £x each do you want to give me cash or you can transfer me". Or, if you want some money back from this trip, email/text/call and matter of factly say "so lovely to see you, the bank statements have come in for the days you were here and it actually came to quite a lot in tickets and dinners out, your share is £125/whatever is fair, it covers the food/tickets etc"

Sounds a little freeloading, however it’s worth considering whether they have financial or marital problems that mean paying for stuff is a hidden issue - for example “do you want me to pay?” may have been more for the benefit of their spouse than you - and avoiding a later argument about their finances. I’m probably being too kind. It’s a weird way to offer to pay and they should certainly reciprocate so things work out at least 50:50 during a visit, regardless of their finances.

Absolutely agreed. Embrace your inner Mrs Doyle and fucking just pay. We make sure to pay the bill before most have noticed. Also Irish.

OP, your friends just sound like freeloaders.

I don’t think it’s ‘kind’ to invent scenarios that mean OP should pay.

@Goldfishonabike depends on context, I guess

If I offered to you that I'd pay, but your DH followed me to the bar and pulled out his wallet, I'd assume you were happy to pay

I’d share your story with this friend and explain that you’re skint due to the last guest expecting you to cover all costs so just wanted to agree that you’ll have a kitty for shared costs of food but you’ll cover the accommodation.. they can’t argue with that as they are getting a free hol!

Yes some people are just tight and I agree with this assessment of the philosophy behind it: they really don’t feel shame and if anything feel rather pleased with how well they dodged paying.

I don’t think however you can really present them with a bill now: that’s ruder than them not paying as at this point they’ve been led to believe it was gifted.

Thd other thing I have to say I disagree with is that the generous philosophy tends to be British! I can’t say I think Brits are the most generous of hosts on the whole! I think some other cultures are way ahead of us.

THIS is actually normal in my behaviour to insist in paying or treating the hosts, going to pay for a meal before the bill comes out etc. but the more I read on here, the more I wonder who the mug is! not sure it would sit well with me to say yes when someone says 'do you want me to pay?' though. I've spent many times going over things after similar events but now I have to park it and vow not to do it again or it just winds me up... not them!!

This is a complex issue and we don't know the full picture. It does sound as though OP's guests were being tight by not paying 50:50 however, especially as the wife is British and therefore not from a culture where the host is expected to pay for everything.

I disagree however that guests should be incredibly grateful to their hosts, I think it goes both ways. If the guest is only staying with the host because they've got something on in that location anyway and are looking for a place to crash, or want a holiday to that location, then that is different and I do think treating the host is good manners. However, if the guest is visiting the host just to see the host? I'd say it's the guest who's making the greater effort to maintain the friendship, with them likely having been the one to take the initiative to suggest a visit as well as paying for travel and potentially, taking a day or two of leave. I'm always incredibly grateful to my guests for having gone to the effort of coming to see me, and find it much more of a slight when close friends don't visit (finances/personal circumstances notwithstanding) than visitors not treating me to a meal.

I’ve been there, done that!

It is rude OP and very bad manners. For those saying otherwise shows that a lot of people aren’t raised with a good host mentality. I would never accept a payment from a guest saying “do you want me to pay” but would be equally annoyed at the situation when they don’t ever seem to insist or just get up and bloody pay! They’ve taken your kindness for weakness and had very little consideration for your situation.

I have been burnt like this before, and what I learned from it is that some people ruin a situation for themselves. I wouldn’t have them back. But I wouldn’t let it deter you from other guest experiences as I’ve had plenty of positive experiences with other guests where there’s consideration, manners and balance.

I think it’ll sting for a while, and that’s ok. Just definitely take it as a “noted” situation when it comes to these particular friends.

They are really bad mannered. I have been a house guest to people and would always pay for myself entirely, offer to chip in for food, restock the fridge, buy drinks and leave a token gift as thanks. If it is family then I would do the same.

Even one meal out would have been a nice gesture. It doesn’t have to completely defray your costs, but just make acknowledgment of everything you have done for them.

That’s fair enough then!

Sometimes people have money for a reason..if they ever visit again ..thye probably will want to, talk as soon as they get there or before bout how you might organise it. I'm happy to do a big shop before you arrive and you can share your part of that, or alternatives that suit you. But yes they are taking advantage or unaware of their rudeness. I spend much more qhen I visit friends than I ever do at home.beacuse of inviting friends out for meals and making sure I pay more rhan my share of everything. Its part of the deal for me of not taking the pisss. And I totally get if people are asking but without intention or heart it can be difficult. They sound mean tbh.

I think given they offered twice albeit half heartedly, that was on you to accept. It's always a bit awkward with money in these kind of situations. I would have offered harder if I were them but it is awkward. Also I'm guessing they paid for their travel to come to see you so that's expensive.

See I so disagree..... I have friends who live far away and if they make the effort to pay and travel to come and see me, I make the effort to "host". It works both ways. I do agree they could have made a gesture but they did offer and you declined twice.