How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

A 3 night stay? Honestly, it wouldn't even occur to me to expect anything towards it.

This is possibly because I mostly invite really close friends or family - and stay with such - so the relationship is much less formal.

You’re being completely ridiculous expecting your overseas visitors to be mind readers.

You need to learn better communication skills and state clearly what you want. You’ll find it helpful in other areas of life too.

I hate the (often British) passive aggressive way of hinting and then fuming. It’s an unpleasant trait that as a fellow Brit, I don’t share.

I just feel sad about it and confused because I feel taken advantage of and as if I don’t want to be friends with them anymore. Why would anyone act like that and not expect the hosts to feel taken advantage of? And if you relapse people would feel amen advantage of, wouldn’t you then expect the friendship to end? And if you’d expect a friendship to end, why would you go to visit people? To me it’s super confusing?
oh and we also picked them up and dropped them at the airport..

Guests begrudingly saying 'do you want me to pay' is not offering to pay.

They're ignorant and very tight.

So stupidly short-sighted of them because presumably you won't invite them again, and they've shot themselves in the foot.

When my sister and her partner stay with us they will physically remove me from the till at the shop and pretend to go to the loo and pay in restaurants etc, anything to make sure they're paying. Your guests were happy to let you constantly foot the bill - rude.

Fist of all I’m not British, I’m Scandinavian, and usually quite direct. But I don’t know - should we have said “we are planning to get takeout tonight, can you pay for it”? Or “parking at the airport cost x amount, will
you cover it?” maybe I should and this has taught me to do that in the the future, just be a lot clearer about expectations for who pays for what, to avoid this kind of situation.

This is what I’m used to at best, or worst, people carefully and sometimes less elegantly, but always somewhat balanced, making sure everyone contributes, and it dorks that to be 50/50 on each visit our joint outing, but it evens out over time. So I haven’t really developed behaviors to handle a situation like what just occurred

Well there seems to be divided opinions on this so perhaps these guest were in the camp where that is a genuine offer, and me being in the other camp, this was a genuine misunderstanding

I understand what you're saying op (a lot don't for some reason). You want someone to say "I'll get these" rather than ask if you want them to pay, which is just odd.

I'd stay friendly with them, but if you have them to stay again, I would be clear from the start "shall we do a kitty for food etc?"

Tbh I think they just took the piss and were very mean . Don’t host them again . Put this down to experience and learn by it . The take out should have been split and they should have chipped in for shopping . But u live and learn

@Goldfishonabike
you sound very lovely - taking on board the two main approaches on this thread and trying to understand from your guests point of view.
opinion is broadly divided into those of us who think your guests were a bit tight or inconsiderate v those who think they did offer (once) and you should have accepted. The second viewpoint doesn’t really take into account the other times they didn’t offer.

Anyway, assuming you want to keep the friendship I’m sure you will have a think about how to arrange things if there is a future visit. In your position I would probably ‘opt out’ of any touristy things that you have done before but make the guests aware you are happy for them to go off for a morning or day on their own,
If necessary explain it is due in part to your budget. Perhaps have slightly more basic food (but plenty of it) at home but if you want a takeaway suggest it as an option with both families paying towards it…that sort of thing?

@PinkIcedCream also passive aggressive "you'll find this helpful in other areas of life too" how condescending.

OP of course they've took the piss.

If you want to meet in future suggest they get an air b and b. Don't eat at your home and put all meals on separate bills. I wouldn't even meet at yours, make it clear you're happy to meet up but do not offer to do it at your house. They've used you for a cheap holiday.

Agree! That is not a genuine offer to pay. Plus it was for a couple of ice creams.

Tightness is so unattractive and I wouldn't look at them the same again

I’m not surprised you’re confused - you thought they were friends and you’re used to friends being fair about expenses, in the same way that you are. These people are grabby and need to be told - especially family of 5!

you could still send them a “bill” - email them and say “it was so lovely seeing you. It seemed easier for us to pay for things as we went. We spent xxx on atttactions entry, meals out, takeaway so your share comes to £xx and our bank details are xxx. We haven’t added in the extra groceries and wine of course as we were happy to host you all.”

If they reply saying we thought you were treating us, you can say, we did - we hosted you all and provided food and drink etc in our house. But we didn’t think you’d expect us to pay for your family entry or meals out.

worth a try? If you don’t ask you don’t get and they have really taken. And at least it sets an expectation for the future or stops them pulling the same trick next time.

They should have paid for more. You were hosting them and providing meals at home. At the very least they should have covered their own costs outside the house. Most guests would also have brought you a meal, ice creams etc outside.

Never host them again, they're spongers.

They offered to pay for things twice and you said no.
’Do you want me to pay?’
’Yes that would be lovely thank you’.

We only said no once. The other time, the mum offered to me and I said greet thanks and went to sit down, leaving her and DH to carry the rest of the food to the table, fully expecting her to settle the bill, but DH didn’t overhear this conversation and then offered to pay and she then just accepted it without counter-offering. I only relayed it as I saw the bank statement just now. That to me is the starkest thing that makes me feel they were trying to get out of paying.

And yes I should have said yes when she offered to pay for the ice cream, will do so in future! Just felt awkward

They did pay for their own entries to things, and for some of the outside meals they covered their share (for just their family). On 5 occasions we goofed the whole bill, because we ordered in the local language for all of us, and they didn’t offer to pay, just stood by as we reached for the wallet!

It's tight and especially with a family of 5! I'd be totally annoyed and I unfortunately have it every year when my parents come and stay. They stay for 2-3 months and contribute SFA. They never offer to shout us a meal and if we go out they only want to pay for exactly what they had, they seem to conveniently forget that the wine they drunk also has to be paid for.

I never stay at anyone's house ever because of the trauma of my parents staying for months at a time every year.

Yes that is for sure what we will do in future. The main thing is this has really scared me off hosting again! I’m soon to go away to our summer house w another friend and her kids, again Simeon with haven’t hosted before and now I’m worried same thing will happen..I’m thinking I need to set out from the start something along lines of “we are very happy to host you and there will be no expenses for staying at the house, but will need to split the cost of groceries and any outings”. I feel so bad having to spell this out, but don’t want a repeat of this situation ever again, especially as our budget is really tight right now w unemployment. Do you think it’s rude to clarify things like that prior to a trip?

Hugs that sounds awful! Can’t imagine parents of all people behaving that way. My parents are restless generous and when they stay w us it’s the opposite, the offer to pay everything. We usually refuse around half the time, so in the end, their visit ends up having cost us nothing at all as the costs are evened out.

@Goldfishonabike
i don’t think it is rude to clarify in advance, especially in the clear and sensitive way you suggest.
And why would anyone take offence - if they planned to contribute they’ll be happy for it to be clarified. If they do take offence the only reason I could think of is that they want to try and take advantage and you can’t afford that financially. (Plus it would be rude of them to take offence)

Yes I will…I just don’t get why people would behave like that, and the expect to stay friends? Weird.