How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

Lots of rude entitled and selfish people around, OP. In my book, these are CFs. I have an old school friend - coming to stay on Thurs- like this. She is super tight and calculating even with her husband and sons and of course much richer than me. This behaviour has caused estrangement between her and her siblings. I have had years to get to grips with this behaviour. Damned glad we dont live in the same country.

Paying for meals for a family of 5 is a considerable expense, they should have picked up the food and transport tab.

@Daisyblue77 we all happily pay for a guests who pops in for a meal or a couple of nights to see you. However, my experience is of being asked to provide people’s main summer holiday. When families of 4 or 5 come it gets expensive. I’d say it use to averages about £200 per set of guests, per week on top of our normal living costs. We would have guests back-to-back all summer if we agreed to it. We now limit it to one five day visit a fortnight and no more than 4 sets of guests during the course of the summer. Over the years we have worked out which guests we won’t have back! Some friends are just quite different and living under the same roof doesn’t work. We have one set of friends every year and some every other year.

Your guests are just being plain rude and taking advantage of your good nature. I would at least be offering to pay for some of your expenses and the takeaway and groceries or a meal out. But I would be waiting to pay something to stay too as your saving them a small fortune by the sound of it.

You are right the way they are asking is like they are only doing it to be polite not actually wanting to pay.

It depends how much you value their friendship, but if they leave without offering any money, I think I would send them a bill after. Itemise the entry you paid for and put a price on groceries, and board to cover gas electric etc and maybe then they will get the message that they are taking the pee.

"Do you want me to pay" is the sort of thing I'd say to my mum as a 12 year old when going shopping together to pick her a birthday present!! Its blatant "I'm only going to pay for this if you tell me you want me to.". Politeness dictates you can't respond with "yes, I bloody want you to pay!" so they are relying on you not stooping to their level of cheek when you answer the question.

They are either rude or oblivious and neither is much fun to host.

No they sound rude AF. I recently had a similar experience, either cooking for everyone or the one time we went out my DH insisted on paying for couple visiting too. It really annoyed me, not even like a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates or SOMETHING. Now they want to visit
again (they are DH’s friends). I’m like F*ck Off.

Oh please. No one who asks this question wants to pay and knows the anwswer
is no. If they wanted to pay as a gesture they would just do it. It’s rude AF to even ask this question.

Are you joking

It sounds like half of the "guests" on mumsnet hoist themselves on someone else and are not invited by the hosts

Of course it’s rude. It’s just that some people on here have no manners.

I would have declined it too.

I would also decline to have them to stay ever again. CF city.

I think that there could be something cultural here. I’m from an Indian background and so you do often fight to pay sometimes. But equally I think things have changed and so sometimes people say ‘ok I’ll only let you pay if you then let me buy xyz’

If someone says ‘would you like me to pay?’ I would never just say YES to that so it’s really difficult. But some of it with me is
cultural I think.

We rarely have guests. Really rarely. But when we do, we would not dream to allow our guests to pay for anything. We also go overboard and buy food we never buy for ourselves, really push the boat out. My parents always did the same. When we were hard up, we never invited anyone, because we could not afford this sort of generosity. Our guests are not poor either, but I would never dream of allowing them to pay for anything. They always try to take us out, but we don't go out, only to museums, etc. but not restaurants.

I'm like you and would have reacted exactly the way you have. Also what doesn't necessarily come across in a thread is how they were behaving - body language etc. like turning away when the bill was settled. That sort of thing. Small things like that build up to an overwhelming picture of CF behaviour so I don't think it's just down to whether they offered and what was said exactly. What is very clear is that you felt taken advantage of and you are feeling really quite resentful now.

I would be very wary of hosting them again, I personally wouldn't. IMO generosity and sharing is how I want friends visits to go, not stressing over who is picking up what. WRT to your friend's visit to your summer house, you could set up a WhatsApp group and anytime anyone pays for something they msg on the group. At the end you divide by 7, you pick up 4/7, she picks up 3/7. I think that's very fair. She's still getting a great deal by not paying for accommodation.

It is good to be clear on who picks up what, and that's easy to do if you're going somewhere. If people are visiting your home, that's a lot more difficult. I personally would be paying for a dinner treat, takeaway, treats outside the house etc if you were hosting and cooking a couple of meals for me. All my friends and family do similar. Your friends are CFs.

This is exquisite manners, just that.

Can’t people see that the way they offered to pay was all wrong? You don’t say, ‘Do you want me to pay?’ when you really want or intend to. You say, ‘No, we’ll get these, or ‘Our shout!’ - instead of the sort of offer that is all too clearly made in the hope of its being refused.

With some very close friends someone in group suggested using Splitwise app in which you record what you spend on group hols groceries, bar bill etcand split fairly at end. Works if all consume roughly equally (not ten shots😂)

I think most people feel this way, but as a guest, I would insist on paying for something as a gesture of gratitude. If that was not possible, I would buy a nice bottle of wine, or chocolates, or flowers etc. It’s just manners and the polite thing to do.

I think everyone agrees it's not ideal wording but it's still an offer. You can still accept it with grace. There's a difference between not offering and not offering in the exact words one would like to hear. The OP cannot claim they didn't offer to pay for anything.

You should have bit their hand off when they offered. A simple if you don't mind that would be appreciated. The least they could have done was get some shopping in.

Well, that was on your DH, not the guests

If you’d been her, wouldn’t you have just said “oh no we are getting this?” If you knew you’d just said that to the other partner? I know I would have…I find it strange that people think that if people are being generous you should just keep accepting it and never think to offer anything in return…but yes DH is too kind, so it’s better for us to spend more time with more likeminded friends I guess

I had family come and visit a couple of years back and they kept offering to take us out to dinner. Frankly my DH is an excellent cook and staying at ours meant there was no pressure to finish dinner and get home (if you know what I mean) so we bought the food as well as paid for the petrol to drive them around to see the area. Every day they'd ask what DH would be cooking and they would arrive from their hotel with a few bottles of wine and beer that they'd picked up on the way to go with the meal.

That was fine by me even though brother runs his own international business and presumably has masses more money than we do. If we ever manage to return the visit I'm sure we'd do the same in reverse.

I have family scattered over various continents. I no longer stay with them when I'm travelling in their country because the whole thing is so fraught. I always took the line that if you're staying with people and they're acting as your chauffeur and tour guide and using their petrol and heating and cooking food for you, you find ways of repaying them to the value of a cheap hotel per day. So in New Zealand a few years ago a cheapish motel room was around £75-90 a night (off peak season) and I happily spent that amount on lunch, shopping, petrol, entrance fees, ice creams, wine and beers etc for us all each day. They gave me a bed and meals and guided tours and company for the price of a motel room: it seemed fair.

Then they and their children started coming over to the UK expecting to stay with me for weeks at a time. They expected me to feed and drive them about, and when we went out to see places they paid for themselves and their own ice cream and drinks and I was left to look after myself.

In retrospect we should all have talked about it beforehand — but I was brought up to show generosity and couldn't bear to sleep in someone's bed and eat at their table and not offer some kind of recompense, and they are people who can do that quite happily, so I'm not sure we could have compromised.

What I think people are saying is that you can’t be passive and rely on people to be fair minded.

Trust me, in my family and friends, the more you give, the more people will take. They will never say no, they just want more and more and more. Therefore, I need to set my own boundaries and curb my generous nature.

Sometimes I feel like I need to sit on my hands to avoid picking up the bill again or offering money, but I do it, because I don’t like entitled people.

Culture doesn't just mean a national thing. It can be regional/city or family or an interesting blend.

The national culture may be generous hospitality but the family culture may be that oldest employed family member pays.

OP I think it's mental people blame you or your husband!

Sounds like you were more than nice and generous and your guests were ... well ... crap.

There is no excuse for them really no matter the cultural differences.

I have had multiple people stay in my house and we have visited people as well and I have never been in a position where I pay for everything and don't get anything in return!

The only scenario I thought of was my DH parents where they have friends who when they visit the host pays for literally everything but then when they switch and the other family is staying then again host pays for everything, but these people have known each other for decades and have this approach agreed between themselves.

Just move on and don't visit them I dislike stingy people they spoil experiences for me ... just stick with like minded people that won't leave bad taste I your mouth and negative memories. :)