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Original poster

How much should house guest offer to pay?

326 replies

Goldfishonabike · 07/04/2024 17:48

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

OP posts:
Cristall · 09/04/2024 10:58

My mum no longer allows her sister to visit because of this sort of behaviour. She was turning up with two grandkids and eating my mum out of house and home.

My mum was happy for them to stay for free and wash the extra bedding and towels etc. But she drew the line at being out of pocket for the food bill. Last time it cost her £200!

I did say, though, that it was her fault for not bluntly saying to her sister “your share of the grocery bill is X”. So I’m saying the same to OP. Yes they are CFs but you’re the one who got your wallet out and offered to pay.

Littlemisscapable · 09/04/2024 11:00

They are just very tight and miserable...who has hospitality and accommodation for 3 nights and then asks ' do you want me to pay' ?...of.course you pay. They only asked that so you would say no and then pay. I wouldn't have them back again..they are taking advantage of your generosity.

Catlord · 09/04/2024 11:02

Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 10:26

I don’t know where the assumption on paying for groceries have entered the conversation, that’s a misunderstanding, I’d never have expected that or accepted an offer of that.

I was talking about paying for meals outside which were incurred due to them requesting to do specific sightseeing which then meant we were outside at meal times and came home too late to cook, but of course we could have and maybe should have just had a simple pasta the day we’d been out, but that comes down to DH’s extreme generosity due to his culture. So there’s a lot of cultural clashes going on here, cross-cultural communication is just tricky, I know it as it’s my daily life at work and at home, so generally I thought I had it down fairly well (double checking that you understood things correctly, listening for misunderstandings, being clear on plans and expectations etc) but I think I still have something to learn around money and cultural differences, so I’m also taking this as a learning opportunity for how to navigate hosting and money and cultural differences in the future.

Show quote history

no they didn’t contribute to food share or offer to cook. The husband went along w DH to pick
up groceries and take out and on none of the occasions offered to pay

I made no assumption at all. It's what you said above.

Your comms needs work. If your DH comes from a culture that is heavy handed with hospitality then you two have to sort out a compromise amongst yourselves prior to visits, not moan about guests accepting it. You are hosting as a couple so can't have it both ways, being seen as lavishly generous AND sharing the costs. It isn't your guests' fault that you and your DH don't wish to serve simple dishes or split bills. You have given one impression and are now complaining that you've been taken at face value.

Similarly, 'do you want me to pay' isn't very graciously put but 'that would be lovely, thank you' with a smile would have been a nice acceptance.

Cristall · 09/04/2024 11:05

no they didn’t contribute to food share or offer to cook. The husband went along w DH to pick up groceries and take out and on none of the occasions offered to pay
It’s your DH’s fault then. When the other guy didn’t offer to pay, it was up to your DH to say “your bill is x amount please”.

Livingabroad12 · 09/04/2024 11:11

We live abroad and often have visitors coming to stay and have accepted that we should never host with the expectation of our guests offering anything and then be pleased when they do! The country we live in is expensive and I think people are often surprised when they get here and panic and just accept us cooking meals, paying for public transport, coffees etc etc. Hosting is hard work as, all the meals, extra cleaning & tidying, extra people in the house. Now we are just a bit more mindful of who we offer to host and I like to think our experiences have made us much better guests!

GnomeDePlume · 09/04/2024 11:12

Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 10:41

Yea I get this! We don’t live in a tourist hot spot, but in a fairly attractive location, so do get some visits. I think this visit has taught me to plan better and clarify expectations more in advance of a visit. Also, cook at home all the time and don’t have takeout and if the guests want long days out just say we need to get back in time to cook dinner.

Show quote history

Definitely manage expectations in future.

We'd love to come and visit on on X dates so you can show us the sights

Lovely, we have some great recommendations for places you could go and see, will you be hiring/bringing a car or do you plan on using our local amazing/interestingly scary bus service?

Oh! We were hoping you would show us around

Sorry! Working/fasting/going on retreat that week. We can also recommend some great restaurants/food markets if you want to try the local specialities.

I've just looked at my calendar again, I'm not sure we can make it after all

That should filter out the moochers.

The people who want to visit you will be happy to work round your availability. Then you can suggest having a kitty to cover meals out, takeaways etc.

Sixtygoingonthirty · 09/04/2024 11:14

Goldfishonabike · 07/04/2024 18:38

Well I’m quite confused because it seems many people on here don’t consider that way of offering rude, so I’m genuinely puzzled as to whether I misunderstood

Show quote history

Exactly that …. If somebody asked me ‘do you want me to pay’ I’d embarrassingly say no it’s fine! With hindsight, all us people pleasers (I definitely am!) should maybe say ‘that’s kind of you, thank you’ then leave them to it!! But I agree that the phrase, do you want me to pay sounds very half hearted. They should have insisted.

bradpittsbathwater · 09/04/2024 11:15

Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 10:35

See to me, it would’ve also been fine if we each paid for our meals out, even, and they hadn’t offered to pay anything for us. But what I found confusing was that on several occasions when food was being ordered they sort of hung back and waited for us to order, even at places where the menus were in English and the staff spoke English. So by leaving us to order, the natural consequence then became we pay as well..so on some occasions they firmly stepped to the front and ordered and paid for only themselves, on other occasions they hung back and waited for us to order for all and pay. On no single occasion did they firmly step up and order and paid.

Show quote history

Next time when the bill comes, say "let's split this", or pay for what you had. Pay for your own activities etc.

Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:16

Catlord · 09/04/2024 11:02

no they didn’t contribute to food share or offer to cook. The husband went along w DH to pick
up groceries and take out and on none of the occasions offered to pay

I made no assumption at all. It's what you said above.

Your comms needs work. If your DH comes from a culture that is heavy handed with hospitality then you two have to sort out a compromise amongst yourselves prior to visits, not moan about guests accepting it. You are hosting as a couple so can't have it both ways, being seen as lavishly generous AND sharing the costs. It isn't your guests' fault that you and your DH don't wish to serve simple dishes or split bills. You have given one impression and are now complaining that you've been taken at face value.

Similarly, 'do you want me to pay' isn't very graciously put but 'that would be lovely, thank you' with a smile would have been a nice acceptance.

Show quote history

Yes, that is because I was answering someone’s question if they contributed to groceries : )

thank you for your suggestions, I think I got that ; ) it’s a bit more tricky though as DH comes from a culture which is very generous but on the premise that others are generous in return (as it always is in those cultures) and he was under the impression that the visitors paid on some occasions when in fact I paid due to them not offering to pay. This is why yes, you’re right, DH and I need to chat before we have guests and agree on a game plan and set out expectations with guests too. We just never had to do that in past as all other guests were generous in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:18

Sixtygoingonthirty · 09/04/2024 11:14

Exactly that …. If somebody asked me ‘do you want me to pay’ I’d embarrassingly say no it’s fine! With hindsight, all us people pleasers (I definitely am!) should maybe say ‘that’s kind of you, thank you’ then leave them to it!! But I agree that the phrase, do you want me to pay sounds very half hearted. They should have insisted.

Show quote history

Yes agree us people pleasers need to earn to stand up for ourselves! There’s definitely and element of that too from my side. DH are just a bad match in that way, he’s from a generous culture and I’m a people pleaser 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:21

Cristall · 09/04/2024 11:05

no they didn’t contribute to food share or offer to cook. The husband went along w DH to pick up groceries and take out and on none of the occasions offered to pay
It’s your DH’s fault then. When the other guy didn’t offer to pay, it was up to your DH to say “your bill is x amount please”.

Yes for sure, it’s due to his cultural background, he could never do that! We need to think about this and what to do in future

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:23

Cristall · 09/04/2024 10:58

My mum no longer allows her sister to visit because of this sort of behaviour. She was turning up with two grandkids and eating my mum out of house and home.

My mum was happy for them to stay for free and wash the extra bedding and towels etc. But she drew the line at being out of pocket for the food bill. Last time it cost her £200!

I did say, though, that it was her fault for not bluntly saying to her sister “your share of the grocery bill is X”. So I’m saying the same to OP. Yes they are CFs but you’re the one who got your wallet out and offered to pay.

I know 😂 I am taking this as a learning experience for sure as taking notes for the future!

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2024 11:25

Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 10:38

Yes this experience has taught me I have to get over my discomfort around the topic of paying and set out the expectations clearly before a visit or joint trip. I firmly plan on doing that in the future!

Show quote history

I hope I didn’t come across as rude, not my intention! You just have to be assertive.

Once a few years ago my other best friend who’d had a nervous breakdown and left her job and moved away came to stay with London friends. They told her a bit rudely (and she told me) they’d said to her “we’re on a budget now” (as they had 2 DC, but both parents worked), my friend then felt really uncomfortable about paying, staying, didn’t feel welcome and there were better ways they could’ve said this. How’s she to know their financial services?
in fact once with my American friends, the DH cooked, he was a great cook, again comments aimed at me (I had jet lag) so I then made a pasta bake and cake and deliberately washed up (they had no dishwasher then) and they both said “no you don’t have to do this, don’t worry about all that!” - well then don’t say PA comments to your guest, especially when you have a cleaner, gardener and all!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2024 11:31

Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:21

Yes for sure, it’s due to his cultural background, he could never do that! We need to think about this and what to do in future

Show quote history

I do understand cultural differences. I’ve known other cultures get a bit upset if someone eg doesn’t let them pay or if it’s a generational thing. My best friend (I have a few!) her DM was American and her parents so my friend’s grandparents would come over to England and when my friend lived in Ireland for a time. They paid for my friend’s 21st birthday in a pub and all drink and food was paid for. Whenever we went out for dinner at expensive places too, I tried to pay once and my friend told me not to do that as it was cultural and he’d get upset if he wasn’t allowed to pay! He was Italian American and a doctor and retired. After a while I just said ok! But I did get him and his wife flowers, nice chocolates and a small tourist gift to take back to USA, in Ireland to say thank you. Which they appreciated.

Icehockeyflowers · 09/04/2024 11:43

Of course the way they offered was rude OP. Ignore the people telling you it wasn’t.
Even asking was rude. If they had meant to or intended to pay, they’d have handed over their card and just paid.
Even that it was for only an ice cream was rude. Of course they should have brought gifts, and brought you out for a nice meal. Anything else is mean and simply ignorant.

stayathomer · 09/04/2024 11:52

Next time (and if you had fun do have a next time, it's so easy to not do stuff and have meet ups but it's you and the em and the kids that lose out if you had fun!) maybe try to communicate-will we go halves on x, do you want to get y this time and we get it next time etc? as you go. No need to be blunt, abrupt etc.
I think everyone is just panicking over the money part eg we went to relative and family's to stay, because we weren't paying rent we felt obliged to pay for everything but it got out of hand and towards the very end we'd stand back when it came to paying and I think they got fed up and so then we went and bought them something for the house as a thank you and by the end we'd paid more than if we'd stayed in a hotel and gone places (going halves!) but we just have to rethink it the next time we go because the kids are still calling it their best holiday!

Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:54

It is really hard to work out what to do w cultural differences (in many areas of life, but w money it just becomes very stark) as in some cultures being direct about money is rude, in others it’s expected…in some hosts pay everything and in some guests are expected to contribute or more to be split…it’s the same when just going out for joint meals w local friends of differing cultural backgrounds tbh.
would love to see hear some suggestions from people who had found ways to navigate this successfully? I’m wondering if an approach could be to be completely transparent and say I know we are from different cultures and may have different values and practices around paying for things, so to avoid misunderstandings, I’d like us to talk about how we expect to pay for this joint trip/things while you’re visiting / we are visiting…just so we are sure we are all on the same page and because I value your friendship too much for misunderstandings around money to end up causing resentment!
but even typing this up, I feel like I’d feel uncomfortable saying something like that, isn’t it silly? What do you all think?

OP posts:
bradpittsbathwater · 09/04/2024 11:56

Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:54

It is really hard to work out what to do w cultural differences (in many areas of life, but w money it just becomes very stark) as in some cultures being direct about money is rude, in others it’s expected…in some hosts pay everything and in some guests are expected to contribute or more to be split…it’s the same when just going out for joint meals w local friends of differing cultural backgrounds tbh.
would love to see hear some suggestions from people who had found ways to navigate this successfully? I’m wondering if an approach could be to be completely transparent and say I know we are from different cultures and may have different values and practices around paying for things, so to avoid misunderstandings, I’d like us to talk about how we expect to pay for this joint trip/things while you’re visiting / we are visiting…just so we are sure we are all on the same page and because I value your friendship too much for misunderstandings around money to end up causing resentment!
but even typing this up, I feel like I’d feel uncomfortable saying something like that, isn’t it silly? What do you all think?

It doesn't need to me made into a massive deal or conversation before another meet up. Just pay for yourselves when you go out, and state thats whats happening. You are overthinking.

Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:56

stayathomer · 09/04/2024 11:52

Next time (and if you had fun do have a next time, it's so easy to not do stuff and have meet ups but it's you and the em and the kids that lose out if you had fun!) maybe try to communicate-will we go halves on x, do you want to get y this time and we get it next time etc? as you go. No need to be blunt, abrupt etc.
I think everyone is just panicking over the money part eg we went to relative and family's to stay, because we weren't paying rent we felt obliged to pay for everything but it got out of hand and towards the very end we'd stand back when it came to paying and I think they got fed up and so then we went and bought them something for the house as a thank you and by the end we'd paid more than if we'd stayed in a hotel and gone places (going halves!) but we just have to rethink it the next time we go because the kids are still calling it their best holiday!

Yea that’s the thing! It’s so tricky isn’t it. think everyone has to get more comfortable talking openly about money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 11:59

bradpittsbathwater · 09/04/2024 11:56

It doesn't need to me made into a massive deal or conversation before another meet up. Just pay for yourselves when you go out, and state thats whats happening. You are overthinking.

Show quote history

Yes I think you’re right need to get better at just saying stuff like “should we get this and you can get the next one, or shall we just each pay for ourselves?”

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 09/04/2024 12:15

OP, you're far too hesitant when answering 'Do you want me to pay' , especially when they're are five guests . Five of them !

You're very unclear , saying in different posts that 1] you'd let the friendship fizzle out , 2] you don't want to lose the friendship 3] you should give them the benefit of the doubt .

What do YOU actually want to do ? It's all very well listening to us PPs opinions , but it's obviously up to you to make a decision .

piccola15 · 09/04/2024 12:23

We just had my cousin visit with her kids, just for a day. We weren't calculating every penny but we would buy something then they would etc. That's how I would normally expect to do things and we both would just say 'I'll get this' and that was that! I think your guests were a bit rude to be honest. I would definitely insist on paying. If someone had paid a lot for us then at the end I would have got us all a lovely meal or a day trip to show appreciation. A friend I had in my teens had a Bengali / Indian restaurant and we were always treated like royalty, when actually we wanted to support their small business! They never let us pay and so we felt we really shouldn't go to their restaurant anymore as they just couldn't accept our money! X

Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 12:23

butterpuffed · 09/04/2024 12:15

OP, you're far too hesitant when answering 'Do you want me to pay' , especially when they're are five guests . Five of them !

You're very unclear , saying in different posts that 1] you'd let the friendship fizzle out , 2] you don't want to lose the friendship 3] you should give them the benefit of the doubt .

What do YOU actually want to do ? It's all very well listening to us PPs opinions , but it's obviously up to you to make a decision .

lol yes, I’m unclear as I haven’t made up my mind yet! I need to mull it over a bit and let the experience settle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldfishonabike · 09/04/2024 12:25

piccola15 · 09/04/2024 12:23

We just had my cousin visit with her kids, just for a day. We weren't calculating every penny but we would buy something then they would etc. That's how I would normally expect to do things and we both would just say 'I'll get this' and that was that! I think your guests were a bit rude to be honest. I would definitely insist on paying. If someone had paid a lot for us then at the end I would have got us all a lovely meal or a day trip to show appreciation. A friend I had in my teens had a Bengali / Indian restaurant and we were always treated like royalty, when actually we wanted to support their small business! They never let us pay and so we felt we really shouldn't go to their restaurant anymore as they just couldn't accept our money! X

Yea that’s how I’m used to things going and that’s why I set off like that and only too late did I realize that wasn’t what was happening! And when they then offered I felt totally awkward, that’s about me being a people pleaser really..

OP posts:
EmilyTheCriminal · 09/04/2024 12:27

As a guest I always take a gift with me and would always offer to cook or wash up during the stay

As a host I may or may not accept payment from.a guest depending on their circumstances. But I would find it rude for a guest to not bring anything or pay for anything or offer to help during their stay.