How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

I think you should have accepted the half hearted offer to pay. There is no point refusing and then feeling used afterwards.

As a guest it’s good manners to pay for a meal or whatever as appreciation and a thank you for their stay.

So yes they were very bad mannered and extremely tight in my book.

…yes understandably awkward for you, but you should have said yes, when they half heartedly offered to pay.

They sound inconsiderate at best.
however, perhaps they have invited you to visit them and will repay your kindness? So depends on the circumstances partly.

However from the information given it was rude of them to accept your generosity for paying for things but then on other trips pointedly just paying for their own share.
Have they contributed food to share in the house and offered to cook?

They offered to pay but you didn't like the way they said it?

This sounds just like my CF sister. She and her family come and stay for 2 weeks at a time (lives abroad so fair enough). Never offers to pay for any groceries, drinks all our wine but never replaces it, and when we go out for dinner splits the bill 50:50.

When we stayed there for 2 weeks I paid for all the groceries,and we took her and family out for a lovely meal.

I love her dearly but she's as tight as anything.

It wasn’t I didn’t like the way they said it, it was more when people say “do you want me to pay?” It doesn’t sound to me like a real offer, so I feel awkward to accept it. But I do regret not just accepting the offer, realtor I should’ve just smiled and said yes thank you, but in the moment it just felt so awkward. It was also only offered once. On all other occasions they went ahead to the till/ entrance first and just paid for themselves.
we visited them once but only stayed at their house two nights and didn’t go anywhere except to their friends house, we took taxis there which we paid for. We night them very nice gifts as well when we stayed over. They only brought two small gifts for the kids.

They are rude. Never have them again.

How they offered was weird. They should want to pay and just say I’ll pay for this!

I’d have been the same as you and said no it’s ok. Don’t know why though.

no they didn’t contribute to food share or offer to cook. The husband went along w DH to pick
up groceries and take out and on none of the occasions offered to pay.
I think we should have been a bit clearer on things and for sure have accepted immediately when they offered to pay, but in our cultures (which are different to theirs) halfhearted offers are not offers and you’re supposed to insist to pay to do it, if that makes sense (think people fighting to pay the check etc)

Right? If someone says “do you want me to pay?” That’s weird to me and I feel bad to accept it. To me people should say “I’ll get this”, or “let me get this” or “this is my treat” or whatever variations, it shouldn’t be a question.

When they said do you want me to pay then you should have said yes please.

You said not to. I can't see why you are now complaining that they didn't just because they didn't use a turn of phrase you would use.

I feel the same and hair feel so disappointed. The worst thing is our kids are close and DC’s are thrilled they were here and look forward to seeing them
again. They also seem to think all is dandy and all messages are all happy and friendly and like the visit was great. They’re people w well paid jobs and a normal life, I just don’t get why anyone would behave like this? Im wondering if they just didn’t realize how tight our budget is at the moment (though we were very open that one of us is unemployed and that we want to move from where we are but can’t currently because of this situation), or if they were just being a bit clueless, like not thinking about it, or they just thought that’s how we like to do things (being super generous) to me it’s weird, as they clearly want to remain friends, why act like that w someone you expect to remain friends with? I’m wondering if they really think that’s just how we don things

They only offered to pay once, and it was on the final visit to an ice cream
shop.

It’s not I didn’t LIKE the way they offered, but to me when someone asks if I’d like them
to pay that is not a genuine offer. But I realize I clearly have something to learn here and should have just accepted. Next time, I will.

Crikey, I say "do you want me to pay?" and don't mean it in a funny way. Glad I've seen this as I'll be more mindful in future.

It's definitely rude of them to behave how they did.

They offered to pay

You said no

Well I do suspect I did just misunderstand that. So thanks for clarifying! It makes
me feel better as I don’t want to loose our friends. Maybe I just misunderstood, and it was a genuine offer. However, the offer was only made once, so even if I’d accepted that we would still have paid everything else. On another occasion we were in another food place and the wife said to me “ill get this” and I went to sit w the husband and the kids and left DH to get the rest of the stuff, and when I just now looked through the bank statements I saw we paid for that too, and when I asked DH he said “yeah I offered to pay” - so when he offered to pay she just then accepted it without counter-offering, even though she’d just said to me they’d get it.

Yea the offered once to pay for ice cream for only the kids, on a three day visit.

“Do you want me to pay?” is an awful way to “offer” to treat someone. You are effectively asking someone to tell
you to pay.

“let me get this” “this is my treat” “you paid for us last time so it’s our turn now” “you’ve been so generous in having us to stay, we’d like to pay for this thing” are all open, generous and true offers - because they make a statement that you’re paying rather than leaving the possibility that you might not open to someone else to decide upon.

they are CFs OP and of course rhey are happy and well off if they get away with sponging off their friends like this.

Well I’m quite confused because it seems many people on here don’t consider that way of offering rude, so I’m genuinely puzzled as to whether I misunderstood

yep, this. they're not nice people.

how do know them? how long did they stay? I'd feel taken advantage of

I think it’s the more confusing to me as we had just visited another friend the days prior to having these guests, and there it was literally us fighting to get to pay for anything, like physically pushing to get to the till before her (in a good humored way of course). Also brought her and her kids nice presents and we offered to pay on all
occasions and On only did she allow us to. I think I was in that frame of mind when these guest arrived so I just continued being generous but then only
too slowly realized that my offers of generosity were too readily accepted lol. It just makes me so sad - why would someone want to loose friends over something as trivial a few hundred pounds? Especially if you’re well off?

I think for me it depends on who they are to you really. If we have family come stay with us then I’d never dream of taking money from them or expect them to pay for anything, I’d typically have offered to host them so I just see it as part of that & they also host us sometimes so it’s more (for us anyway) a case of we pay when they are here and then they pay when we are there in terms of meals etc. But if this is just friends and you aren’t going to be hosted in return then I’d think they should have at least paid for a meal out/takeaway or cooked a meal for you all to say thank you.

Also I agree that “do you want me to pay” isn’t really an offer to pay and I would also feel really awkward accepting that so would just say no!

We have known them for years, we made friends when we had kids around the same time and lived near each other, since we both moved, us to another country and them to another town. We used to hang out a lot and we visited them last year, stayed for two nights but as mentioned, didn’t do any sightseeing, just stayed at theirs and visited their friends house, and paid for two taxi trips on that occasion, which I considered generous enough as they were definitely more than the cost of food for two days, and we also brought them nice presents.

I don't know why people do things they don't want to do, then moan about it.

If you were struggling for money or on a budget why would you continue to do things and pay - surely you say, do you want to do "xxxxc it's £150, we will get ours you do yours" or something like that. Why would you keep doing things ?

Or when they asked to stay, say of course you can shall we just go halves on the shopping bill or do you prefer to do your own ??? Type thing