How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

To me, their behavior was rude and grabby. If I stay with someone, I think it’s only fair to treat them when we go out, as they’re putting a roof over my head and presumably providing breakfast/cups of tea, etc.

I can’t stand tightwads.

Me neither : ( it’s just such a sad trait. And I don’t get it - if you’re struggling financially it’s still not ok to sponge off
others but it’s at least a bit more understandable, but they’re lots better off than us, so why act that way?

but this has taught me to be more strict about guarding my boundaries. I decided long ago never to be tight with money as it isn’t worth it, but now I see that I may need to adjust my attitude a bit to avoid being taken advantage off.

They didn't really offer, they asked, with the hope of the op saying no, I'm sure.

it was more when people say “do you want me to pay?” It doesn’t sound to me like a real offer

It wasn't a genuine offer. If it was they would have said just said I'm paying. Cheeky fucks. Never host them again. I swear, some people were raised by wolves.

Well, because half the time of was DH laying and half the time me, and I was honestly expecting that some of the times when it turned out DH paid, they’d done it! Lol. Especially as on one occasion the mum explicitly said she’d pay but then just accepted DH’s offer to pay after I left. That to me is just beyond cheeky! I only fully realized the situation on the last day. Not used to keeping tabs on people like that! Oh well. You live and learn as some say. Have lost my respect for them though and will hesitate to go visit them as otherwise planned and certainly will never ever host them again.

@Goldfishonabike regarding your friend at the summer house, you're not living there so treat it like a holiday

"When we go down to xyz should we order groceries and split the bill or should we both bring our own food and drink? Just wondering what you think is easiest? Obviously we're happy to eat out a few times if you fancy or if you're wanting to keep the cost down we don't mind staying in either"
just make it from the off that everything is split

good idea. The challenge is that it’s in the middle of nowhere in a forest, so definitely won’t be eating out, lol. DH will likely be going to get all groceries as he’s the only one w a driver’s license, so she won’t be coming along to the shop most times. In wondering how to ensure she pays her half without it being awkward? Can we maybe suggest that we collect all receipts and then split the costs equally at the end? Or is that weird? May be tricky too as she will be there w two kids and we are a family of four, so two adults and two kids, so will likely eat more..if going down to the penny. I’m just worried after this recent experience. We’ve had friends there before but each time they came w their own car so it worked out approx that half the time they got groceries and half the time we did, but now this time the setup will be different.

@Goldfishonabike how is she getting there, if she's driving herself you could suggest she brings her own.
If she's travelling with you make a plan that when you get there you can watch the kids for an hour while she nips with husband to get what she needs for the week? Or

"What do you want to do about the food shopping? Should we split the cost, or do you want to go with husband to pick what you and the kids like?" yes you have one more adult in your party but you'll be paying the utilities I assume?

The issue with collecting receipts is she might not pay up and you're in the same position.

Don't say no if you do actually want people to pay for things.

Do you want me to pay always comes across as if it’s the other persons bill and you’re doing them a favour by asking. So I’m with you op. It’s designed to make you say no of course not.

When I host relatives, I always figure my expenses are nothing compared to their travel costs. If anything, I don’t want them to incur even more expense.

The thing is, you say they are from a different culture and thought maybe it was the done thing for you to pay, but then when they worded it like "do you want me to pay?" You interpret that from your own cultural side and interpret it as "oh, are you expecting me to pay".
Now with hindsight you know that that they got a very good deal and probably took the puss really, given that they paid nothing for you when you went to see them.
But you've seen them only pay for themselves when out, so now you know, by their rules, only pay for yourselves and never them.

They should have left a hundred pounds or so on the sideboard at least. Tbh, maybe more if you've been paying them in places all weekend.

When I host relatives, I always figure my expenses are nothing compared to their travel costs. If anything, I don’t want them to incur even more expense.

That is what our friends kept saying to us when we visited last year (long haul flights). We did insist on taking them out for a $400 dollar meal. They said they would get their own expensive wine but I sneakily managed to pay the whole bill as a thank you.
I have never stayed with anyone before so wasn’t sure what the etiquette was.

Awful - next time they want to come make some excuse so they don’t stay with you! When we visit DD we pay for groceries when we do the weekly shop with them, will pick up odd items and also pull our weight with household chores. If we stayed in a hotel we’d be paying at least £100 per night so the very least we can do as they are so kind to host us. We’d do the same if we stayed with friends but tend to stay local to them so they don’t have extra work to do!

You are a lovely host but have been badly taken advantage of. I think the next time you host, let guests find their own way to tourist spots ie you don’t have to be with them all the time, as you’re giving your time up too, as well as ££. Perhaps email them beforehand to let them know due to your change in circumstances it would be great if you could share food costs while they were there. Any decent friend would be absolutely fine with this.
Regarding your summer house guests, some great suggestions from PP.

This.

I mean, like the first reply, I don't understand why you'd pay for something they offered to pay for and then moan later.

Nor do I understand why you went with them to the tourist attractions. Presumably they wanted to see them, not you.
When I have had people visiting me to combine with wanting to see something where I live, I give them the information on how to get there and ask if they will be back for the evening meal. You don't need to go round sites with them.

Yes, generally, if I stay with someone for a weekend I would offer to get a takeaway or take them for a meal out - although that does depend a bit on if you have a sort of reciprocal arrangement, we have people who we host when they come to us and next time they host when we go to them.

I get op. When someone genuinely wants to pay, they don’t ask for permission, they just pay. They put you on the awkward spot deliberately I think and also waited til the last day.
If your kids are friends and you’ll have to visit each other, you’ll have to be upfront about taking turns to pay. Host doesn’t equal doormat or bank

As DH would say , they are as tight as arseholes

I guess it depends. When my sister visits I pay for everything, because she paid to travel to see me. If it’s a friend who is only staying for a night or two I don’t expect anything. However longer than a few days and if we go out for food I would expect a few offers to pay but not every time.

you could reply with something like, ‘thats very kind of you’ and let them pay next time

I totally get you though, and it is very awkward! I tried to think of how much money I’ve spent paying for other people and begrudged it because I’m too embarrassed to say anything

It wouldn't occur to me to ask guests staying with us to contribute to groceries - we're hosting them, that involves paying for the food and drink. Likewise picking them up from an airport or driving them anywhere, I would expect to pay for fuel etc.

If we were to go out somewhere for an activity I would expect it to be split per family (as you said it was). For meals out I would also expect it to be split equally (and would say something like 'how are we splitting this, on what everyone had or just in half?').

Lovely if they offer to take you out for a meal/contribute but I wouldn't expect it.

Fucking ell, they knew one of you was unemployed yet let you pay for everything?!

Cheeky fuckers. I wouldn't be hosting them again.

I hate tight-assed people who kind of look away when money is being discussed. I refuse to pay for them.

I'd put it down as a lesson learned and not have them to stay again.
The fact that they asked "do you want me to pay" rather than just saying "I've got this" shows they really didn't intend to.

Where are they from?

People from most other countries find Brits hard to cope with because we're very indirect. Are they used to asking straight questions and getting straight answers? It's even possible they would expect you to say if you wanted them to pay, that isn't rude everywhere.