How much should house guest offer to pay?

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that. We just had house guest for three nights, they’ve never visited the country we now live in before, so we took them out to show them the place, asked them what they’d like to do and took them
to those specific places as well as a few we chose. On all occasions they either paid for themselves and we paid for ourselves or we paid for us all. Not once did they offer to treat us to anything - like standing in a queue for ice cream they ordered for themselves no paid for themselves, on another occasion we ordered for us all and one of them said “do you want me to pay?” Just like that, and because if the way it was phrased I said no no I’ll get it don’t worry. we provided all meals at home, including one take out. They’re a family of five, so it wasn’t a low cost either.
They’re both working and own a home while one of us are unemployed and we are living in rental accommodation.
I would like to be a generous person and generally consider myself as such, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Usually when we have house guests, people offer to pay for a meal out or to pay our entrance to touristic places (which we anyways only visit for the visitors benefit) and when we are are house guests we always make sure to get groceries and drinks and if we go out we offer to pay for the meal.
do you think the behavior of this guests is normal? Also, do you think maybe it could be some misunderstanding, as on two occasions they did offer to pay, but to
my mind very half-heartedly aka “do you want me to pay?” And as soon as I said I’ll get it just accept it. Do you think I was too over eager to be generous or is it normal
ti expect the hosts to pay everything?

Given that they were only staying for 3 days, and they had the burden of travel expenses, I think "two small gifts for the kids" is perfectly fine as a gift.

I would think that as the host, you would bear the cost of the food at home, and travel if it was in your car.

Eating out/activities/ice creams/public transport etc, I'd broadly expect each family to pay for their own. Obviously that could be done by alternating who pays for all, or each family literally paying for themselves at the point of purchase. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to want to treat them to something in recognition of their costs and efforts in travelling to you - on the same vein I don't think it would be unreasonable for them to want to treat you to a meal to recognise that you have hosted them. I don't think either one family is obligated to treat the other.

I wouldn't expect one family to feel obliged to pay for the other family on multiple occasions. That said, it looks like twice they offered/tried to pay, and twice either you or your husband turned them down, so I guess they thought you wanted to pay?

In an otherwise good friendship, I'd just let this slide, but be a bit more assertive next time you meet up, and make sure you don't offer to pay for anything that you're not actually happy to pay for.

OK, thanks. Then you & DH are the ones with more cultural reasons to be direct! And the visiting family are grabby!

I am abit like you and would have panicked and just said no it’s ok… we had house guests last year similar we paid for everything though… even to the point they travelled up by train so had no transport while they were here meaning myself and other half had to take 2 cars everywhere. They did however send a thank you gift for my children and a separate one for me and my other half… which I thought was a nice touch but not in a hurry for house guests again

Yes they were rude. We have stayed with my cousin and her family in Canada twice now and always pay our way. That means going with them for food and drinks shops, doing some ourselves, treating them to takeaways, at least paying for half of meals out if not footing the whole bill, same with trips to activities/attractions and paying a contribution towards petrol. Saying ‘do you want us to pay’ is not offering. We will always say ‘we are paying’ and on occasion my husband has secretly went and settled the bill. I would loathe feeling like a freeloader, like these people are.

I’ve been thinking about this thread and also my limited experience of staying in someone’s house. Surely it’s best just to have an expectation chat before the trip, this is what my friend and I did when I visited her.
I said I’d hire a car, she said no repeatedly, you don’t need a car, we have two, use one of ours or she’d drive.

She booked and paid for lots of activities and I sent my half via PayPal before I went. I then treated her to a dinner and bought her a present but her generosity was a lot greater than the meal and present (think fully stocked fridge with my favourite wine), favourite tea bags etc. I really appreciated her extreme kindness and she seemed to really appreciate I’d flown a long way to see her.

We did all the sorting out on WhatsApp before I arrived.

Rude and tight and I wouidnt invite them again but this is the issue when nothing is discussed beforehand they don't owe you any tbf x

We are very lucky to ha ve nice andf decent friends. Because of where we live, we get lots of visitors. If they stay for longer than a few days, they always offer to cook ffrom time to time, and to pick up the tab in turn in restaurants, for drinks and outings. But if guests offered to pay and you refused- what are they supposed to do?

Anyone who would not be sensitive and fair as in above would not be invited again- simple enough.

Things like this do make a difference if youve put a lot of effort to go and see someone just because you are friends , it might cost your annual leave and be expensive financially and be tiring , might be somewhere you'd not choose to go otherwise .I'd consider it special that someone would do that to see me. If they are visiting the place or nearby anyway and wanted somewhere cheap to stay for their break, or as part of a bigger holiday I'd still be pleased to see them but would not see it as such a special thing , more of a convenience to them and so might expect them to recognise this and contribute more. We still don't know where OPs visitors travelled from and to.

I think it's a cultural misunderstanding on both parts so hopefully things are a bit clearer now.

When going away with friends we use the app splitshare. So if she is one adult & two children her share would = 2, and you as two adults & two children = 3. You both add all expenses and it works out if anyone owes at the end. So much easier than a cash kitty

Perhaps from now on just ask them to pay their half for treats/groceries etc. One of them could accompany your husband to the super market or send you the money via your phone.

Don't be a mug! Grow a pair and stop paying for them and accept their offer!

(Could I come and stay with you 😁)

Could it be a cultural thing. My Paternal family are Italian and I feel like when we have had family over here we take care of them and visa versa if we are in Italy we are taken care of. I think in other cultures this would be the case too. Visitors have always brought with them gifts and I know my Nona never goes to Italy empty handed.

I never expected people to pay while visiting me, they have spent money to get to me so any events that we go to are my treat.

We've been the guests and had guests. When a family have stayed or when we've been staying, we've done a big supermarket shop to contribute to the cupboards, that way you don't feel guilty if your kids are going hard on drinks and snacks. We would go halves on any meals out so they're staying for free but paying for their own additional costs.

I think that when they offer to pay and then you say no, they probably think all is well as you are hosting. I don’t disagree that it would have been nice for them to be more proactive and less verbal about paying but It’s your bad for leaving them thinking that - you could have said ‘ok that would be lovely - thank you’ rather than come out to the public with your gripes after the event. Perhaps you can arrange a visit to their house and they might do the hosting and paying - some people just work that way?

If people visit me in usually conscious of the time and money gone into travel and feel like I should be paying for most stuff as the host. I have some friends who are very well off and in their circles no one cares enough to keep track of who paid for what. A combination of these two norms could result in the behaviour you describe.

They are a bit cheeky and grabby, I can see why you are feeling a bit used.

however to offer another perspective, from their point of view, you have done all this offering to pay so they may be thinking “well we spent thousands on flights to see you all, thank you for covering some of our costs while we are here”

I think you’re both kind of in the wrong. They 100% should have offered to pay more often. But also you perhaps shouldn’t have been so quick to offer to pay every time if you really couldn’t afford it. You saw they liked to split hills, so when hills came, at supermarket etc, you should have said “let’s split this again”

Moving to the UK from Ireland I got taken advantage of by a few of people like that - friends who would always turn up to dinner empty handed or with absolute plonk and proceed to open the good wine and would decline when offered some of their own wine. Then when you go to their houses, put the wine you bring in a cupboard to drink when you are gone. I’d offer to buy some people a drink when we went to the pub and they’d either just get their own drink for the second round or leave after one - very alien to me (In Ireland it’s an unwritten rule you don’t accept a drink unless you’re going to get a round in). We had two guys at a group dinner at a restaurant who didn’t pay because they felt enough had been put in to cover the bill and just walked off annoyed (without paying) when we explained that we had put in for a tip not to pay for their meals!

Those types are in the minority but it does seem that CF’s get called out less in the UK (in Ireland we have CF’s too but it’d be called out in a jokey way) so CF’s here probably don’t get everyone thinks they’re tight or notice if people cut contact with them. I cut those people out of my life and only keep in touch with people who don’t abuse friendships.

To people saying they paid airfare that is neither here or there - it is a holiday where you are getting free accommodation, free food, free car rides and the benefit of local knowledge. You bring a decent gift, pay for your own takeaways and generally do something nice like pay for a meal out or offer to cook a meal. If you can’t afford to spend too much money maybe explain this ahead of going instead of landing the costs on “friends”.

OP you sound like you are a generous person. Paying for coffees or cheaper things I wouldn’t bat an eyelid but full on meals and outings for days for a family of five and then for them not to even pay for ice creams for everyone! It’s so cheap and rude. I would rethink the whole relationship and if you still want to be friends next time be firm about finances. You don’t want to be broke because you are being too nice. Before a visit say money is tight and letting you know if you still want to visit you will have to pay for yourselves. If they are real friends they will still visit. It sounds like they got a free holiday. It’s easy to spend other people’s money.

You are struggling with money, why are you being so generous?
Is it a pride thing? With these guests, you should have let them go to sight seeing places and only gone out for a couple of meals together.

They are either very cheap or self-centred with no thoughts towards you especially after you told them you would want to move to another place but cannot afford at the moment.

You are being used. This is a free holiday for them! Honestly I wouldn’t have them ever again.

Your generosity is being abused.

This is why they own a house and you don’t op.

Exactly this.
If I want to pay, I just say “I am getting this” or “I am inviiting you” I don’t half heartedly offer and immediately put my wallet away again. I would pay for at least one big meal or take away if I stay with someone. And bring a present for adults too (wine or similar).
I stayed with my cousin in his home town, a very attractive and popular tourist city. I brought gin for parents, presents for kids, paid meal out and one night of drinks and paid for ice creams for everyone.