Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

Op, you really need to stop this, there's no point in another post as everyone is telling you the same thing, he clearly loves her and wants to be with her and he will fill your head with nonsense that you are believing. Please for your own sake, let it go.

THIS OP, and deep down you know it...come on, big girls pants time and move on to very much better things xx

This poor baby. What a situation to be brought into.

@SunflowerRose1990 Oh my dear. I know the thought of ending your marriage and co-parenting In separate households is daunting, and all the ties you have built during the Marriage possibly ending is unsettling, but living a lie will be so much worse.
if you continue this charade, the longtime damage could be so much worse- please want better for you and your child

This.

I feel for the baby deliberately brought into this shitshow like a pawn, a child won't stop your husband loving someone else. He slept with her 4 days ago for Christ's sake!!!

How can you live like this?!

Your only hearing things from your husbands point of view & I agree with the previous posters based on the messages youve quoted that shes dumped him (probably when he agreed to be your sperm donor after telling her you were being dumped & the marriage was fake) hence him being "single" right when you found out you were expecting as "he's commited to you"

The more I read the more I feel bad for the other woman.... she's the one getting dragged into this (your aware of what's happening & choosing to go along with it/him)
Shes the one missing out on a man who genuinely loves her & wants to demonstrate it (while you cling onto a failed marriage)
Shes the one who can probably do better (your stuck in the 'I had Him first mentality')

All in all there's no way she hasn't left him & he'll be back if the doors open again (probably once he realises that deleting instagram to get a reaction out her doesn't work)

OP - does your and/or his culture/faith play a role in tolerating this situation and making the decision to leave even more difficult?

OP you seem quite depressed / passive which I guess is not surprising.

It sounds to me like you and H could coparent really well. There is no animosity between you. You get on well. There seems to be no passion on either side.

A future where you and baby have your own nice house with a happy coparent, you get time off if it’s 50:50, make new friends, potentially meet someone who’s crazy about you, could be waiting.

That’s got to be better than moping around for crumbs of happiness, reading messages to OW, death by 1000 cuts. It sounds lonely to me.

I wonder if at this point he’s hoping you’ll read the messages and bring it up? He seems to leave his phone lying round. Could you think about having a chat with him about what you both really want? This really can’t go on forever.

💐

This.

Op it’s just very concerning, the more you post, for example he was going to leave but stayed due to your anxiety, now he stays due to the baby,

it reads to me as long as he stays with yoh and you keep your life as is, you will tolerate it, that’s your goal. To keep him there irrelevant, I don’t think for a moment you think he is committed to you in terms of the marriage, you just want him to be committed to not leaving you.

i can’t see how this is sustainable, he must resent you hugely, staying due to your mental health, staying due to the baby. But you seem to be comfortable just pottering on as long as he doesn’t leave and have a way to keep him.

you live seperate lives, you don’t have a romantic relationship, you know he wishes to be with someone else, he knows you know, of course he does, he barely bothers to conceal it, and you don’t want to confront it in case he does leave.

its just a very sad situation, for both of you,

It sounds like you're starting to acknowledge that this isn't a good situation. It's still very daunting to consider huge changes, though.

When I left my first H (before I even admitted that that was what I was going to do), I had to break it down into small steps. Step one was actually just giving myself permission to imagine a future without him in it. I was definitely not ready to make any decisions, but it was an important first step.

Step two was getting counselling, by myself, to talk through some of the things constantly swirling round my mind with somebody outside the situation. It was a big step, that one, because it focused my thoughts on me, where I was used to filling my thoughts principally with my H.

Pregnancy is a very difficult time to make big changes. How about giving yourself permission to think about leaving him, with no pressure to follow through with actions?

(And then if he does leave you, you've already taken one step in the right direction, which will help you adjust and move forward.)

With the greatest of respects, what exactly has your relationship "survived"??? You've had a miscarriage (I can sympathise, I have had two and it's hard) but apart from that, it seems like a very unhealthy and unloving relationship.

I’d agree, surviving is not simply logistical, we are still technically together so it has survived. Because it hasn’t survived, it’s over, you live separate lives, he loves someone else, there is no intimacy, no marriage , it’s simply a legality and technicality. That’s not a relationship surviving.

I actually think that if the OW does have enough and finish with him fully, you are more at risk of him leaving you afterwards. At the moment he has the "quantum of solace", a passionate relationship with someone else that makes his familiar and probably comfortable life with you tolerable. Without that, he's likely to either find another woman or decide life's too short to settle and go anyway.

He hasn't behaved at all well but you must surely see that a sexless relationship with no spark at your ages where you "lead quite separate lives" and when one party clearly wants more, is pretty doomed long term? It should be doomed from your side too, because it's no way for you to live and a very poor environment in which to bring up a child.

I seriously suggest counselling to examine your feelings and why you are so passive in all this.

I'd like to ask you, OP, whether you can see yourself having an intimate relationship with your H ever again?

Just possibly, your H is with the OW for the love and sex that has been missing for so long in your marriage. Sex and intimacy bond people together, as you've seen. Even if he does finish it with her...or her with him, whatever...are you going to step up and put the love and intimacy back into your marriage? Because it looks to me like that poor man was starved of love and initially went elsewhere for what you were happy to deny him.

I don't put too much store in the messages, words are very cheap and mean little in a fantasy situation but actions are where the truth sits. If he can give her up, are you able to step up?? More importantly, do you want to?

Starting again is super scary.... But it is more scary to think of living your life with a man who doesn't love you and a life that is only ok. You only get one!! Why not start again and find someone that makes life good and happy. It is better for your baby to do it now rather than when they are older.

This is such a sad thread.

All his friends and family must know about this OW if he is leaving nights out to be with her snd keeping it from you, therefore they haven’t got your back.

You deserve to be loved the way he loves the OW sadly for you not by him, but by someone who deserves you. I don’t understand why you decided to have a child with someone who (l think you know) cheated on you before you got pregnant. But right now before this child is born l think it’s time to love yourself more, love yourself better and set up a life for you and your child to be happy. Good luck .

oh @SunflowerRose1990 this is no way to live! You are worth so much more than this.

I get that it's hard to leave someone you've been with since young - I did that. I had to start again, learn how to be an adult on my own (because I was always with him). It's not easy. But it's so worth it. You'll see that when you're out of the other side.

Divorce is hard. Financially, practically and emotionally, but surely you can see that he doesn't love you and you're better off letting him loose. You are worth more, and you will regain your life, your happiness and your self-worth. He can still co-parent. I've ended up with a future I didn't forsee, in a house and financial situation I didn't forsee, but honestly, I'm so much happier now.

OP let him go.

Obviously he felt following the loss he had to make the effort for a baby and for the marriage, but he doesn't want to be there. You both know it. Stop checking his phone, you can agree to split amicably and co-parent amicably.

Let him go. Build a life without him, you deserve better.

Seriously it sounds like he was dumped.

Realistically hes been in a relationship with her for years they obviously have their ups & downs like any proper relationship except obviously yours because your ok with this & he has the freedom to explore other other things. But they would absolutely go through good patches & rough patches.

What are you hoping for from this thread ?

It was one to two years ago though and they shagged on sat.

I think I said already that I was looking for an impartial view on the situation.

I have seen that he’s redownloaded instagram and starting looking at her stories again so I am going to have to speak to him about everything.

Thank you for all your responses.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Hope you manage to be strong and see you're worth so much more.

He loves her. He will never be happy with you. Surely you can see that?
He will at some point bail.
You should separate, & get a life.