Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Punching wall during argument

140 replies

cantcatchmenow · 05/04/2024 14:58

Been lurking for a while on relationships as been a bit fed up and it has come to a head. Feel like my boyfriend has been constantly telling me how to do things and has been really bothering me. Last night I snapped and shouted at him "No I am sick of a running commentary on how to live my life". We ended up in a big argument where he basically said I am twisting reality and being defensive. Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sh*t. I really don't know what to do but feel a bit shook up. We had been planning our future together and talking about marriage now this.

OP posts:
TheGoddessFreyja · 05/04/2024 15:00

It starts with punching walls OP.

I'd get out now while you can if he can't control his anger. xxx

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 05/04/2024 15:02

I once read on a thread on here that before they punch you, they punch near you...

His shitty comments are also a red flag. Sorry you're going through this, OP.

notthefrontdoor · 05/04/2024 15:02

I've never said ltb but I think you should leave. Red flags waving strongly.

isitbananatimealready · 05/04/2024 15:02

In other words he is saying he was violent because you made him do it. He is blaming you for his aggression.

Jesus. Can't you see how wrong that is?

PaintedEgg · 05/04/2024 15:03

bin him immediately, the abuse started with comments, now he is punching the wall, he will punch you next

cuckyplunt · 05/04/2024 15:03

There are some truly lovely men out there OP, go and find one.

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2024 15:04

Op I was going to say they punch walls to threaten you. To scare you into thinking 'if I don't do as he wants he might punch me'.
But then he literally SAID it! He actually told you 'better the wall than you'.

Fucking terrifying!

Then he rounded it off with every abusers favourite line 'you made me do it'.

Fucking.run.
Ruuuuuun!

You've been given a lucky escape here. Only psychos punch walls. It's a threat. He's told you it's a threat.

Abuse is not the victims fault. There's no excuse for it. Get out of there and never look back.

Alstreena · 05/04/2024 15:05

You need to start packing op, this won't improve.

And be jolly glad you haven't married him 🙄

PaintedEgg · 05/04/2024 15:05

he is not even sorry, at least not honestly - he blames you for it! When he'll hit you he'll also say you made him do it

it never starts with getting your teeth knocked out - it always escalated from this exact behaviour

Linedbook · 05/04/2024 15:07

My DH punched a wall once, early in our marriage, hurt himself more than the wall actually.

He never did it again, I think he frightened himself.

He was contrite at the time and never tried to blame me for winding him up though.

Mumaway · 05/04/2024 15:12

You need to leave. He shouldn't be punching anything. Unfortunately he will escalate and he will probably punch you.

Octobed · 05/04/2024 15:18

The abuse has started and can continue very slowly so being punched in the face happens much further down the line and will take you by surprise because you are so used to being abused.
To get to that point you will have walls and doors punched or headbutted, knives turned on himself, doors slammed off their hinges, furniture broken, tech smashed, comments, screaming because you looked at them wrong, your children woken in the middle of the night and you will be guilted out of having friends or hobbies. All this will be presented as your fault and you will be made to fix or pay to fix all of the broken things.
Get rid of him.

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2024 15:22

And heads up op, even if he wasnt a wall punching nutter who tries to blame you, you've told us that he tells you how you should live your life as if he is your boss or something. And that when you tell him 'no', he gaslights you into feeling you have no right, tells you it's 'speaking to him like shit'.

He's controlling and abusive and your feelings are valid. Of course, he doesn't want yo to know that. He wants to keep telling you what to do.

So when you call out his bs he 1. tries to invalidate your feelings 'you're being defensive'.

  1. Darvo (deny, attack, reverse victim with offender) eg: 'you're twisting my words/talking to me like shit'.
  2. Attacks a wall to show 'I could do this to you'. Intimidating you back into being compliant.
  3. Verbal threatens you by saying 'this could be have been your face'.
  4. Tells you it's your fault.

He's not marriage material even before this violence. He's been showing you for a while that he is a controller. Iys just now there's the icing on the cake with violence, threats and blaming you.

CaterhamReconstituted · 05/04/2024 15:23

Leave. Now.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 05/04/2024 15:25

Before a dog bites it barks.

This is him telling you exactly who he is, listen to him and get yourself as far away from him as possible.

Original poster
cantcatchmenow · 05/04/2024 15:25

Thanks all, I feel so confused as I feel somehow it is my fault for being a bitch or something but just fed up to be made to feel like a child or that he is somehow superior to me. Don't know how it's got to this point as it's all small things he nags me for. He said I caused it to turn into that big argument and was escalating things but I just don't think anything I said warrants punching a bloody wall. I would never do it. We have been together for almost 10 years so I don't even know where to start again but I feel like this has crossed the line.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantcatchmenow · 05/04/2024 15:30

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2024 15:22

And heads up op, even if he wasnt a wall punching nutter who tries to blame you, you've told us that he tells you how you should live your life as if he is your boss or something. And that when you tell him 'no', he gaslights you into feeling you have no right, tells you it's 'speaking to him like shit'.

He's controlling and abusive and your feelings are valid. Of course, he doesn't want yo to know that. He wants to keep telling you what to do.

So when you call out his bs he 1. tries to invalidate your feelings 'you're being defensive'.

  1. Darvo (deny, attack, reverse victim with offender) eg: 'you're twisting my words/talking to me like shit'.
  2. Attacks a wall to show 'I could do this to you'. Intimidating you back into being compliant.
  3. Verbal threatens you by saying 'this could be have been your face'.
  4. Tells you it's your fault.

He's not marriage material even before this violence. He's been showing you for a while that he is a controller. Iys just now there's the icing on the cake with violence, threats and blaming you.

You are right as there is a reason I have been questioning this before he even hit the wall as I have been feeling almost suffocated with all the daily criticisms and have been questioning if I am going insane. It is hard to see the magnitude of it when it's tiny things he is trying to change but last nights a lightbulb moment of how he is behaving.

OP posts:
FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 05/04/2024 15:31

There's no need to be confused. Your boyfriend is scum. It's unfortunate you've been with him for a decade, don't waste any more of your life.
Whose house is it? If it's yours have him removed, the police can help, since he's violent.if it's his house, call Women's Aid.
Having a boyfriend is solely for enhancing your life, the entire point is that it's easy, and fun.
Have someone with you when you dump him, since he's proven to be violent. No arguing, just 'the relationship is over.'

ScottishShortie · 05/04/2024 15:34

Run for the hills. My ex used to tell me who to see what to wear what to buy…then he used punch the pillow right next to my head. Then it escalated, pinned me against a wall next time. Then next time locked me in the house smashed up my phone, pinned me in a room….next time drove me at high speed down a road in anger threatening to crash the car. Would be ‘lovely’ inbetween these bursts. I left as it was just getting worse and worse. He’ll be worse once you’re married believe me from experience. Hell think your his possession and can treat you how he likes even more

ScottishShortie · 05/04/2024 15:37

Ps be used to blame me for the anger. Said I ‘wound him up’
been married to someone else for 12 years now. Leaving was hard we had a joint mortgage I just left him to it until he could buy me out. Slept in a friends spare room. It was difficult but I was safe at least.
He was very calm when I said I was leaving. Didn’t even try and stop me. He didn’t love me at all he just wanted to control me.

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2024 15:37

You didn't cause anything. Asking someone to stop telling you what to do does not make you a bitch. It makes you a normal person with boundaries. Abusers don't like boundaries. They don't like being told 'I won't be treated like this'.

He likes making you feel small. He probably likes constantly pick pick picking at things in your life in order to exhaust you. It keeps him 'in charge'. It may even be FUN for him. So you saying 'I'm not going to take being bullied anymore'. He realises you are onto him!

He realises his victim is waking up.

And it's about time.
Don't let him put you back under his thrawl. Even if he never hit you or a wall again...he's not a nice person is he? The bare minimum a partner should be is nice.

He's a condescending, controlling, prick.
People often have to totally reinvent their lives several times in life so I understand it'll feel like a tremendous, confusing upheaval after ten years but, you can do it. Big change is part of life. It brings new opportunities for joy, peace and love with it. And in your case, safety, self love and freedom too. You can do it.

Original poster
cantcatchmenow · 05/04/2024 15:41

ScottishShortie · 05/04/2024 15:34

Run for the hills. My ex used to tell me who to see what to wear what to buy…then he used punch the pillow right next to my head. Then it escalated, pinned me against a wall next time. Then next time locked me in the house smashed up my phone, pinned me in a room….next time drove me at high speed down a road in anger threatening to crash the car. Would be ‘lovely’ inbetween these bursts. I left as it was just getting worse and worse. He’ll be worse once you’re married believe me from experience. Hell think your his possession and can treat you how he likes even more

God he sounds horrible, well done for leaving. My bf has not ever tried to control the big things like clothes etc which is probably how I haven't noticed what he is like really. On the car thing though, I have just remembered last summer that someone almost crashed into us and was trying to go out and shout at the driver. He was driving my car so I said No get back in the car, don't do this when you're using my car. He then put his foot down on a country road while I was shouting at him to stop and was terrified so can relate to that a bit too.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2024 15:53

And don't think if it as 'ten years wasted'. Because its not. Its 10 years to learn 'I am worth more than this'. It's a starting point to kick off from where you can find your own path back to yourself again. Now you know what you don't want, you can find what you do.

Getting out will give you the opportunity to find peace, to find a new appreciation for yourself, to have a new adventure. And further down the line, once you are strong enough and can hear your own voice again instead of his...you might meet someone who is kind to share your life with. If that's what you want. And if you meet people who turn out to be not kind, or not what you want, well, you've had practice in removing them already.

Life is just a learning experience. Nothing is a waste unless we don't learn from it. Now you know what's wrong in your life, you can take action and change it.

WoodBurningStov · 05/04/2024 15:56

Don't you just love it when people blame you for their shitty behaviour.

What he actually meant to say was 'I wouldn't have punched a wall if you'd have done and behaved the way I wanted you to. How dare you question my behaviour, I am the boss of you and you do as you are told'

QueenBitch666 · 05/04/2024 15:57

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Swipe left for the next trending thread