Punching wall during argument

[cantcatchmenow]

Been lurking for a while on relationships as been a bit fed up and it has come to a head. Feel like my boyfriend has been constantly telling me how to do things and has been really bothering me. Last night I snapped and shouted at him "No I am sick of a running commentary on how to live my life". We ended up in a big argument where he basically said I am twisting reality and being defensive. Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sh*t. I really don't know what to do but feel a bit shook up. We had been planning our future together and talking about marriage now this.

Honestly, this could be the first few steps in a case study that leads, ultimately, to a terrible result.

starts small. He tells you want to do. Relatively small things, less often. You put up with it, so it escalates. He does it more often, and the types of things he is telling you what to do increase.

Generally controlling behaviour continues (this one you don't specify but I'll put money it's there) so that you find it easier to do what he wants - stay home/not stay home/cook dinner/cook what he likes/ clean etc etc etc.

Then you pus down so he tries to gaslight you. Blames you. You are the baddie. You are always nagging him. You go on and on and on. You are doing his head in.

Then the true anger kicks in. He hits something (or throws something, or kicks something). You are scared. On some level, you're thinking, "wait, it must be my fault" and/or "I can't do that again or else."

He apologises BUT STILL BLAMES you.

The next time it happens, he hits/kicks/throws something and again, he might apologise but the apology will be even smaller. It's YOUR fault even more. YOU are the trigger. You drive him to this. If you would just be quiet/stop fighting/stop nagging he wouldn't have to do this.

That's where you're at.

Next steps of course will be actual violence against you.

Leave now.

Thanks so much @Pinkbonbon. All of your replies have been full of really helpful advice and you're making me think I could do this. You're also right about it not being a waste per se as I am learning what I don't want and the red flags.

the funny thing is that he constantly goes on about how no one else in the world ever takes responsibility for their behaviour!

well, because in his head they don't. it was YOUR behaviour that made him so angry and made him punch the wall. Have YOU taken responsibility for that?

It's crazy thinking OP. You can't reason with people like this. Their view of the world is just so completely weird compared to normal people.

Okay so that is a MASSIVE red flag and you need to leave this man, he’s unable to control his temper. What if you had children in the car too? It must have been terrifying for you. Honestly, from experience, this man is bad news.
I do occasionally argue with my husband I have now and he leaves the room if he gets angry. He’d never dream of punching a wall or driving in rage.
I was married to this first one and he showed small signs I ignored, as soon as we married it went very very bad.

Leave @cantcatchmenow . He's abusive and will be violent towards you.
He sounds like my ex.

Was this the first time you snapped, and is it the first time he's been violent?

He's a bully. If you don't leave now, it will just get worse. So please, leave right now.

LTB

Probably the first time I have really snapped at him but have stood up for myself in the past and it's escalated into arguments. But hes obviously told me I caused it by escalating and twisting reality so I come out of the arguments like WTF happened here? and end up apologising as otherwise he won't speak to me for days. He's never hit anything before but has slammed doors, slammed his fist on his desk as I've talked over him etc. Even when I write this down I feel like a complete fool as to why I've thought it's all been me.

OP, don't be fooled (I don't think you are) by the "punching a wall is better than punching you" thing.

How/why could he even think of saying that??? It's NOT normal or acceptable. He needs to get some help for his anger and you need to seriously consider whether you wouldn't prefer to have someone calmer in your future who doesn't constantly neg at you. Life is TOO short.

He just sounds like a complete arsehole tbh. Do you feel relief when/if you think of ending it and not being around him?

Please take the advice of many many who have been there before you and look back with hindsight and regret.
Leave. Don't look back.
This is not the life you deserve, nor any of your possible future children. It never gets any better.

@Mmhmmn yeah i mean to be honest I crave coming home and not having a negative environment or feeling stressed all the time. Quite often I'll come home in a decent mood but end up feeling stressed and don't even know why.

PS whether you stay with this guy or not (DON'T!!), never apologise for arguments that you were never meant to "win". He wants to put you in a tiny box that keeps getting smaller and stops you wanting to answer back on anything, he's in the process of trying to break your spirit. Just another self-centred bully boy.

Such a shame. Home is supposed to be our safe place. He's not only bringing you down but is making your home feel an unsafe place by negging and being threatening - it causes awful anxiety being in that situation. Have you thought about how you'd go about ending the relationship?

Op.
My dh did this twice in the early years of our marriage. I stupidly stayed with him due to having 2 children, no job, & no support.
I was also scared of leaving & wondering how I’d cope?
Fast forward 30 years ( yes I know 😐 ) and I must say he has never hit me or been physically violent to me ( or the children) in any way.
He was however a controlling bully who would sulk for days if I didn’t have sex with him when he wanted. My marriage has basically been s**t.
The children have grown up now & have lives of their own ( happily thank goodness ) so now it’s just me & him. He’s unwell & on lots of medication & doesn’t say much at all anymore.
I carved out a life of my own over the years and I am now the strong one.
But I wish, oh how I wish, I left when he punched that wall.

Just because people have mentioned anger a few times:

He's not abusive because he's angry. He's angry because he's abusive.

He's not 'losing control', he's actually being aggressive to excert control. It's deliberate behaviour. They get angry because it scares us and they know that.

So it's not an anger management issue.
Not that that would excuse it anyway or mean we should hang around. Women are not rehab for damaged men.

So he is clearly escalating the closer he is getting to having you trapped.

This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". …also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sht.*
awful abuser language. Your fault. You drive him to it. He cannot be expected to control himself. What next?

Mature, caring, responsible adults don’t punch walls when they are cross.
And they don’t parrot the ‘you made me do it’ line.

Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it"

So clearly hitting you has occurred to him as something he might do next time you don't know your place

Plenty of good advice on this thread, OP. Don't FGS get married to this thug.

Oh yes.
My ex-husband did exactly this.
The wall, not me.
Then we married.
Then it was me.
Now he's ex-husband.

Yes

So true

Run OP

Please run

This sounds so much like the boyfriend in ‘MAID’ and might help you to watch it, as the woman in the series is very much validated and supported to leave by the women’s refuge. I think you need support to understand that this is abuse, as that can take a while to sink in and process. Then you’ll be in a better position to leave, because he will go full on with the DARVO manipulation process if you initiate a breakup. You need to be sure in your mind that he’s abusive, which he is.

I have a lot to think about. You're all correct though. I am not convinced that he isn't capable of doing worse in the future as he doesn't seem to have any control of his temper 😔

Yeah it's shit isn't it, but honestly my ex-husband never hit me until we were married. That's when it changed.