Punching wall during argument

[cantcatchmenow]

Been lurking for a while on relationships as been a bit fed up and it has come to a head. Feel like my boyfriend has been constantly telling me how to do things and has been really bothering me. Last night I snapped and shouted at him "No I am sick of a running commentary on how to live my life". We ended up in a big argument where he basically said I am twisting reality and being defensive. Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sh*t. I really don't know what to do but feel a bit shook up. We had been planning our future together and talking about marriage now this.

He also recently told me that he would never have gotten with me if I was "how I am right now" as I am apparently such a selfish bitch.

How come he doesn't split then??

Quite the opposite; he's tries to be nice and does stuff for you and tells you he loves you when you perhaps look like you've had it.

Men leave their partners, with an without other women set up, ever day of the week ...so if everything you do is wrong and you're crazy and selfish and he'd never have gotten into a real relationship with you like you are now ..why doesn't he just leave?

Why does he want to stay with and probably get even deeper in with and have kids with such a selfish, unstable, shit person?!

He must be such a martyr, right??

Except I don't know many male relationship martyrs.

He's just a text book abuser. Constantly putting you down and criticising you, but somehow not leaving you .. and trying to get you to stay if he senses you might be considering splitting up.

Tell him you love him and you want him to be happy... And that he's clearly not happy with you.

You want him to meet someone, not like you, to be happy with.

He's right about you, and you need time to work on yourself, and you need to do that single. You've read a lot of reputable sources online that say you must work on yourself while single.

Watch him shite himself like the abusive prock he is lol.

In all seriousness though .. he's unlikely to change. He's not a good person to make a life with, let alone have a family with.

I had one of these, when I was explaining that I was finishing the relationship, he was saying "let's just forget about that now, let's just move on, let's let that go" etc etc.

They can't "help" but emotionally batter you all the time but when you finally leave, they crap themselves and try to stop you.

They don't want the hassle of having to try to attract and get into a committed relationship with another women ...knowing she'll not be any different really to you. And there will be the same issues, or other issues. They know you're not that bad, not any worse - probably, than anyone else. But they just can't help try to break you down and get the upper hand and abuse you while with you.

Who wants to deal with a personality like that? I've had relationships with men who don't have personalities like that. A relationship doesn't have to be like that.

(Oh and they also know that, no matter what they try to tell or imply to the contrary, you'll get another partner sooner or later .... They very likely wouldn't have gotten with you if you weren't attractive, and they know you'll attract other men).

He actually has on occasion asked me if I need someone to take me out (is do I need a carer) as I'm obviously not fit to go out myself and also called me paranoid, crazy

That is some high level, sinister gas lighting there.

He wants you to think there's something wrong with you, that you're crazy, lacking, incompetent, dysfunctional etc.

He wants your self confidence as low as it can possibly be.

As per the wall punching ... He's a text book abuser. Nasty piece of work.

(Convincing their partner they're crazy seems to be abusive man 101 - it's a later thing usually, they'll not do it in the early part of a relationship, only when they feel established enough ...

There is a case in the Don Hennessy book on abusers where the abusive h used his wife's Mum's dementia diagnosis to start on her; she was a mad woman or she would end up one, it ran in her family, she'd end up buried in the lunatic plot of the cemetery etc etc. (not sure that even exists). This was in rural Ireland where church and everything related were very important.

I can only presume they fixate on convincing their partners they're crazy because a. It makes them feel superior and they enjoy/feel secure thinking she's insecure and anxious and self doubting. And b. They presumably think they can manipulate her and get away with whatever they want and keep her in weak position by convincing her she's crazy and her judgement isn't sound and making sure she doesn't trust her own judgement. Then his judgement and his will holds sway.

The important thing about abusive men is to realise that they want a little domestic autocracy/dictatorship, they need to stamp out democracy. You don't get equal rights. That's not the type of relationship or household they want.

(They often do the "you're crazy/incompetent) thing in front of kids too, to make sure the dynamic of crazy, incompetent, silly, lesser Mum is established throughout the household.

That could be your future if you make the mistake of procreating with this creature.

He's perfectly comfortable trying to gas light you into believing you're insane, paranoid, incompetent and abnormal ..... He'll do the same even if you're in a family/have kids).

What did he call you paranoid about incidentally?

Like other pp, don't be surprised if your replacement is already waiting in the Wings.

Thanks for all of your helpful replies really appreciate them! Youre right about the crazy thing as I think that it also partly why it makes you doubt yourself as to what's happening as you feel like well I'm obviously not judging this situation right etc. He's said a lot of times that my version of events isn't real etc so it's hard to know what is. Even talking about these things now I actually doubt if I'm twisting it to make him seem abusive if that makes any sense. Totally warps your brain.

As for the paranoid thing, I'm sure I had called him on the way home and he was really short with me so came home and it somehow turned into an argument that I had been rude to him. When I said that I thought we was angry with me he said I'm so paranoid and always assuming everything's about me, twisting the reality of events etc.

He's not even particularly nice to his family (or mine) either so this is who he is

He really does not sound like a good person.

Right, so he was short with you, then gas lit you about being rude to him (which it doesn't sound like you were), then called you paranoid & self centred for reacting to him being short with you and defending yourself re being rude to him.

Even if we doubted what happened there/thought it was a misunderstanding etc .... You've already said he calls you crazy and had said you'd need a carer to take you out. So that leaves little doubt about general gas lighting.

I understand you've been involved with him for ten years and he's probably a habit/fixture .. but believe me, someone else can become a fixture in time.

It's not ten years "wasted" or anything, it's time used well to establish if he's suitable as a life partner and possible co parent. And it appears very much the case that he's not.

This guy hits so many text book abuser check boxes..... It's time to move on. Before he fucks your head up any further.

If he's not nice to your family you may find they're relieved when you split.

And I'm not sure what age you are but say you got together at 20 and you're around 30; women do not have the luxury of time for having kids that men do. You need to meet another partner, establish a relationship, get to know them really well, maybe plan and have a wedding if you choose to get married, and try to conceive. The sooner the better if you get rid of him. To quote a June Carter and Johnny Cash song "Time's a Wastin".

And from what you're related in this thread, I think no-one here would be optimistic about your future happiness and mental health (and that of your kids) if you don't get rid of him.

My ex locked me in my house and also locked me out several times.

Once I moved out he changed the locks even though I was still paying the mortgage. It can be done.

Yes even a solicitor asking my ex for a new door key a couple of times was ignored!
So arrogant in many ways.
How's things today OP?

To be fair, we regularly advise women in abusive relationships to change the locks once he's out. Of course, also to proceed with the house sale ASAP too. Because if he has a stake in the home he has a right to a share of it.

If you move out, you move out, I don't see the issue with the person staying changing the locks necessarily. The issue comes if they refuse to work with you to sell the property or end the tenancy.

Crazy how they can get away with this stuff! Also good to know incase he does anything like that I won't be surprised. Things are fine today thank you for asking, I just feel very distant with him. He is also the same so probably can sense how I am feeling. I have realised I spend a lot of time at the weekends alone or with friends actually so probably wouldn't be too different when single other than actually feeling like I have freedom to go where I want and spend money etc, and not being held to chores or whatever other expectations he has of me!

Yes ,well I do have major issues with my ex breaking the law by changing the lock , and also making a million excuses why he can't buy me out or sell up.
He lives in the property

I dunno what planet you live on Pinkbonbon

Well I try to live on the one without double standards.

If you had stayed and he had left mumsnet would have advised you to change the locks (if it was acrimonious and you suspected he might just waltz back in without warning) and sell the property ASAP so you can both make a clean break.

It sounds like he's a knob and of course he shouldn't just get to stay there indefinitely whilst you pay the bills. But if it was a short term thing then I can understand not wanting your ex to waltz in.

@Pinkbonbon @whatsbestforme I get both sides definitely as seems extreme when you are paying half the mortgage to stop your access. But I do agree if one person has actually moved out then you want to make sure the other person can't waltz in if things do go south. Id probably be annoyed if he changed the locks but equally could understand if I were in the house why i would, if things escalated or felt unsafe etc. I think Pinkbonbon is right that it's fine for someone to protect their space as long as they cooperate with selling etc but that doesn't sound like that has happened to you and that is another kettle of fish I would say and entirely unfair if he is dragging it all out while you pay.

I can confirm he IS a kn*b.
An abusive one.

@cantcatchmenow

he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sht.*

How fortunate he's indicated where is thinking is on any future relationship you have with him if you stay. For avoidance of doubt, you should NOT stay in this relationship, but make your plans to exit quietly (don't warn him as he'll immediately escalate).

• Ensure your finances are secure (eg have your salary paid into your own, non-joint, bank account to which he has no access.
• Change the passwords/codes on your electronic devices.
• Ensure you have Two Factor Authentication on your devices for another level of security.
• Change your password on Amazon/other shopping websites so he can't lock you out and/or run up costs
• if he knows the passcode to your credit/debit cards change those
• Go on www.gov.uk and read up on protecting your property from fraud, including getting alerted if someone tries to change the register on your property for their own purposes
• Speak to women's aid/a solicitor for further advice.

Thank goodness you're not married to him nor have children together... 🌹

This all sounds very worrying OP- he does not sound like a nice man and your instincts have already been nudging you to rethink marriage to him. In case it needs to be said, no it is normal to punch walls during arguments and your horrified reaction is completely proportional to this. He is trying to minimise it and refusing to take any blame for his poor behaviour.

For context, I have been with my partner for 10 years- we have argued at times, but he has never punched/hit/raised his hands near or at me and I he has never once made me fear for my safety.

I know 10 years is a long time, but you will have changed, grown and developed in that time so it's not wasted. It would be a waste to stay in this relationship with the knowledge you have now.

There is already lots of good advice about how to safely leave on here. Please get out before this man completely shreds your self esteem, mental health and confidence

Thank you, you're right and I really know it's not normal. I never mentioned in my OP as didn't think it made a difference. But he also came up with his fists in my face after he had punched the wall and I have realised over the last few days that he was obviously trying to scare me. That + blaming me + saying it's better than hitting me is clearly all huge red flags. And yes my self esteem and confidence has been hit so much but I still know I can leave right now. All the replies are definitely make me think he is clearly unhinged and not a good option for my future.

Hi @cantcatchmenow

I started going out with my exH when I was 20, in 2001

In 2003 he pushed me in my university flat
In 2006 he pushed me across the kitchen of our flat in London
In 2007 he threw a glass at my feet in the kitchen
In 2008 he hit me around the head but didn’t leave a mark
In 2010 he pushed me into the bathtub and stood over me with a broomstick
In 2014 he pulled the mattress off our bed and punched me through pillows while I was pregnant
In 2015 he beat me around the head and gave me a black eye. My son was a week shy of his 1st birthday
… after this he went to three sessions of counselling and was “fixed” …
In 2016 he pinched the back of my arm so hard it was black and blue with bruises because I was chatting to people at a wedding reception for too long
In 2018, 3 days before Christmas, he screamed abuse and smashed up our kitchen and threw things at me because I’d complained he hadn’t helped me at all with Christmas stuff. My son was 3.5 and my daughter was 6 months
In 2019 he smashed up the kitchen again in front of the kids, my baby was sitting in her high chair and he smashed plates and then took the broom handle and smashed it to pieces as I shielded the kids
In 2022 he pushed me around and when our 7y.o son tried to defend me he grabbed him and bruised his arm
Later that same year he smashed up the kitchen again
In November 2022 I left him.

21 years. It is never too late. In his mind he “only hit me once”, in 2015. Don’t be me.

I am a lawyer. So is he. We had a very nice affluent upper middle class life. I am materially much worse off than I used to be but my life is calm, my kids are happy, no one screams at us, I don’t walk on eggshells, I’ve even met someone amazing who has shown me what real love is. There is an amazing, happy life waiting for you. Don’t normalise a relationship that is not normal.

@Endoftheroad12345

In 2014 he pulled the mattress off our bed and punched me through pillows while I was pregnant

The litany of what your Ex did to you was just so awful but this ⬆️ is horrific. I'm glad you're out if it now. I'm glad your children are happy. Do they have contact time with him?

Best wishes for the future OP. 🌹