Punching wall during argument

[cantcatchmenow]

Been lurking for a while on relationships as been a bit fed up and it has come to a head. Feel like my boyfriend has been constantly telling me how to do things and has been really bothering me. Last night I snapped and shouted at him "No I am sick of a running commentary on how to live my life". We ended up in a big argument where he basically said I am twisting reality and being defensive. Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sh*t. I really don't know what to do but feel a bit shook up. We had been planning our future together and talking about marriage now this.

I would leave and don’t let him know until you are with friends or family and safe. He has no control of his temper so I wouldn’t risk potentially making him VERY angry when you are on your own with him.
If it’s your house have someone with you whilst you have the locks changed and tell him. Or have the police tell him. Hoping you keep safe.

This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like shit.

He's blaming you for his own actions - that's a huge red flag. Get out now, op. He's not right.

Leave.

What's your housing situation? Do you have somewhere to go if you leave?

I have been feeling almost suffocated with all the daily criticisms

Imagine a peaceful life where you need to neither hear or put up with his bullshit anymore. Imagine it properly - a whole new life of opportunities and experiences and choices, alongside your peace.

& if you so choose one day - a partner who isnt an ignorant, critical, judgmental tool.

I know which I'd choose.

You don’t deserve this treatment. No one does.

He’s short fused and aggressive, which is what no one wants in a life partner.

He’s ramped it up a level now and set a new precedent now.

You’re walking on eggshells and stressed already, and believe me, this will get a lot worse.

First post nails it.
That punched wall is a way of saying don't tow the line
See what could happen to you.
Get away from this guy.

Luckily I do I have family I could stay with an hour or so away and also have a full time job so could afford my own place. We jointly own this house though which would need to be sorted out.

Sorry OP.
my experience is that it starts like this and gets worse.
i was with someone five years and this is how it started escalating over the years

• punched my walls only for first year or two
• then kicked my tv
• punched things right next to me, not at me but close enough
• kicked glasses out my hand or threw glasses near me
• broke my stuff when mad
• shoved me
• pushed me against a wall
• threatened to hit me
• Grabbed me and picked me up by my throat- this was five years in.

please take it as a massive red flag, it takes a while but it’s a warning sign

Sorry this happened to you. This seems to be the theme although i almost feel surprised he hasn't done something like this sooner now

Sometimes it takes years to begin too

That’s because he’s got away with you witnessing his aggression in the past and you were still prepared to marry him.

Subconsciously he thinks you’ll put up with anything, and the worst part is it will always be your/or someone else’s fault because he was ‘made’ to do it.

You can never change anyone who won’t accept responsibility and blames everyone else.

@cantcatchmenow , it's probably because you challenged him.
I had no idea that XP would be violent. There had been the one occasion when he broke something in a rage but I thought it was my fault because we were both drunk.

The second time was when I confronted him about something and I ended up in A&E.

Sell the house and LTB.

This is abuser bingo.

The wall punching

The enraged, reckless driving.

The nit picking and criticising.

The blaming you for his behaviour.

The saying you're lucky it wasn't you he punched; so he was thinking of doing that, was he? What other way could you take that?

I've seen posters in abusive relationshis on here mention the reckless driving, I also know someone that happened to personally (my cousin).

The violence and aggression involving objects is classic abuser behaviour that sometimes escalates to their partner.

Even just the nit picking and criticising ....on its own would make me think he'll make your life stressful and miserable. And that's without kids being in the picture. Life with kids esp. the baby stage can be incredibly demanding and stressful and intense. He sounds like a shit person to do that with.

Btw one of the posters who'd been in a car with him driving recklessly to scare etc her, found out he'd been physically abusive to his ex wife. To the degree of broken ribs.

They are a type.

Even if you disregard the abuser bingo check boxes ..... He is constantly criticising and nit picking, he believes you enrage him during arguments ....he is clearly not happy with you, you are clearly not suited (I'm being ironic here); so why would you settle with him??

You should let him go ... He can settle with someone he is happy with, someone better suited to him (e.g. an abuse victim who doesn't talk back, a life size doll).

OP you need to leave that man.

It is a controlling, toxic relationship and now he has shown you that he can be violent when he does not get his way.

This is only going to get worse.

he doesn't seem to have any control of his temper
does he punch walls at work?

You are so right even without the violent wall punching, I feel stressed and honestly like a shell of myself but maybe this has been a wake up call of how bad things have gotten. He's obviously being nice as pie now. Cooking me dinner and telling me he loves me. It's all just so confusing and scary.

Well no he does manage to control that anger and just come and vent to me about the "Incompetent" people he works with. But I get your point yes, he does have control he's just choosing not to with me.

This is how they behave. Punching walls one minute, being nice and charming the next. I get it, and it’s really hard :( but usually it won’t stop, it will happen again, and it will eventually get worse. Doesn’t even happen quickly sometimes it takes time and before you know it, it’s escalated so much.

He is being aggressive and telling you look what you made him do. In order to stop him smashing things, punching things, driving like a arsehole you need to modify your behaviour. Your stressed and walking in eggshells because his behaviour is agressive and erratic. Then he shows you how much he loves you. He's loving, kind and thoughtful to show you what you could/ might get if you tow the party line.

You've been together 10 years so I'm sure you've seen his tactics and lived on edge for some time. However, it will ramp up if you get married, if you have kids, if you become sick or vulnerable.

Ah yes, the classic "you made me do it".

This man won't be a good father.

You're right I don't think I've even added it all up before. We got a virus last year and he basically blamed me for him getting ill as I'd seen my family who were unwell after and gotten it from them. It's actually crazy when I write it all out. I can make him angry from not even actually doing anything.