Punching wall during argument

[cantcatchmenow]

Been lurking for a while on relationships as been a bit fed up and it has come to a head. Feel like my boyfriend has been constantly telling me how to do things and has been really bothering me. Last night I snapped and shouted at him "No I am sick of a running commentary on how to live my life". We ended up in a big argument where he basically said I am twisting reality and being defensive. Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sh*t. I really don't know what to do but feel a bit shook up. We had been planning our future together and talking about marriage now this.

The being nice to you, cooking for you, telling you you’re amazing, saying they love you - all part of the classic patterns I’m afraid.
Mine used to be convinced every man fancied me and I was having an affair whilst simultaneously telling me he loved me but I was unattractive and no other man would ever have me/put up with me.
mind blowing stuff, and I genuinely believed him in the end. Thought no one else would tolerate me but thought it’s better to leave and be single forever than living like that.
i wasnt single for long….

💜

Do not marry a man who nags you. DO NOT.

I can make him angry from not even actually doing anything.

You’ve got it now though, OP. You can NEVER make yourself small enough or good enough for men like that who almost seem to survive by inflicting their own issues and unhappiness on their partner. What you do or don’t do is actually a total side issue. It’s like bile that needs to comes out and the way it comes out is onto you. Life is too short to put up with that shit.

Leave him. It will get worse. He’s already not taking accountability for his actions and blaming you for “making him” angry. I am guessing when you’re angry you don’t punch walls to intimidate
your partner so why does he, I wonder?! He’s showing you that if you stand up to him he will harm you. As Maya Angelou says “when someone shows you who they are believe them the first
time…”
seriously leave before you’re married with
kids and no way out.

Totally, and resist any love bombing or “here’s what you could have” attempts by him when he realises he’s fucked up. Such people need an emotional punchbag and usually can’t face the idea of being single.

Like my ex use to say, "Punching the wall has less consequences than if I punched you" as he knew this would be reported.

Physical abuse can happen to anyone at any time. 10 days or 10 years its the switch and I am sure you have seen the eyes just go blank and black.

Watch the behavior, not their words.

It's all going to be your fault.

And he's going to punish you for that.

Mark my words.

Op I'm a lot older than you. Both my ExH did this. One used to blame me. The other apologised but didn't mean it/repeated the behaviour -I always thought they would 'change'. It never gets better, it gets worse. I had such a low bar. I was worth so much more then them. I am finally loving life - on my own, with my core friends and family; with nobody telling me what to do or not to do, making me feel guilty and taking out THEIR issues on me. My kids and my dog are the best companions and I have ever had and I these days I have not one jot of interest in sharing my life with yet another emotionally unstable man. I wished I'd listened to my gut, so many times, when younger.

All abusers act nice when they sense they've gone too far/they're on thin ice.

It's the abusive/nasty, nice cycle.

People often wonder why women stay with abusers, one part of it (as well as the tremendous head-job abusers do on their victims) is the nice part of the cycle.

Telling you he loves you ..... He's either not being entirely honest (why would he be constantly criticising you and nit picking at you if he loved you, as you are?), Or that how he actually acts towards someone he "loves".

Not really a love worth having, is it. Someone could love you without constantly getting at you, unlike him.
It's clearly his character, and people rarely change.

If you think this is bad now and you'd like kids .... Believe me, kids put a massive strain on even good relationships, and, as wonderful as they are, they cause lots and lots of work and juggling and stresses in a household. I'm trying to imagine how a nit picker like your hopefully stbx would function in a household with kids .... He'd give them fucking mh issues, avd your life would be debilitatingly stressful.

You can NEVER make yourself small enough or good enough for men like that who almost seem to survive by inflicting their own issues and unhappiness on their partner. What you do or don’t do is actually a total side issue. It’s like bile that needs to comes out and the way it comes out is onto you. Life is too short to put up with that shit.

A very good summary of characters like this.

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tells her partner she's leaving. So don't tell him.

Prepare your important documents eg especially copy details of house, mortgage etc and take them to your family's home. Prepare carefully. You do not want to be returning after you've left to pick up something you have forgotten.

Speak to a solicitor who will advise you re selling the house etc. and write to your ex partner on your behalf to arrange the sale etc. If you don't know a solicitor and don't know anyone (you can trust not to blab to him), to recommend one, look up the Legal 500 in your area re marital/ family splits etc. The Legal 500 ranks solicitor firms in your area in the various areas of law they cover. Often initially they will give you a short free consultation or a fixed fee one. Leave when he is at work.

Do not contact him. Do not (obviously) tell him where you are. Warn your friends/family not to tell him. Block his number.

So true.

You deminish yourself to build them up.

The favour is never returned.

They take, take, take.
If they do give something, there is always something in it for themselves.

I don't think the wall punching is the most serious thing about this situation. It's his attempts to micro-manage you, blame you and make you feel shit about yourself that is more harmful.

It must be hard to think about leaving after ten years, but it sounds miserable where you are.

Didn't expect so many replies. I am totally being made to feel so small and a shell of myself so perhaps correct that the wall punching is really not the worst thing, just the catalyst for me realising how he has really been treating me. Part of me hopes it could be fixed but I think you're all correct that this is him he won't change. He's not even particularly nice to his family (or mine) either so this is who he is. And yes him being really nice only follows after a big fight etc. Wondering what I'm even here for tbh. Need to find some self esteem.

Sometimes you have to just rip the bandage off. Leave and your self esteem will return to you in time.

You can't get clean in a barrel of shit.

Start taking the steps one by one that you need to get free. One step at a time.

Bin. Violent dickhead.

Seriously OP get rid of him. This will escalate.

It sounds to me like you are heading in the right direction, which is heartening to read.

I don't think that men who punch walls will always end up punching their partner, but some men do it deliberately as a show of violence specifically to intimidate their partner into silence (totally unacceptable in itself), and others have poor control of their temper (again, worrying).

It's tiring being with some controlling or domineering. They nitpick every single little thing that isn't to their exact preference, until the other person just becomes a robot, someone with little autonomy. They make you feel small, and might try to tell you that they're only doing it to save you from your own incompetence.

You can tell who the truly controlling people are. They try to control things that have absolutely nothing to do with them, that have no influence on their wellbeing at all, such as which route you might want to take to work, the shade of scarf you're wearing, which cutlery you want to use, things like that.

Glad you left that @abracadabra1980 .

Speaking about emotionally unstable, what ties together so many unpleasant men is the way they usually try to make out that it's their female partner that's emotionally unstable, mostly because they want to deflect attention from their own behaviour, and also as a manipulative strategy to make the women doubt themselves.

Sexism goes a long way in ensuring that men do not think of their sex being capable of being moody.....as every emotion they have is important & legitimate, whereas as women's negative emotions are all unreasonable, random and a result of our hormones.

I forgot to say OP - there's a certain stage in an unhappy relationship where you just can't rely or believe someone any more when they tell you they love you. Yes they could be lying, but there's also no way for you to truly know what love is for another person, and how they're actually feeling. So, if they're behaving in a way towards you that is unloving, disrespectful or frightening, then that can't be ignored.

I once didn't really realise that nasty abusive people who have contempt for their partner don't always want to get rid of them. In fact, they want that person to stick around, to be their life partner because they know they won't easily be able to treat another woman like shit again. They want someone they can bend and control, someone they can extract the maximum amount from.

Run for the hills. Don't end up as a tragic statistic, a victim of an angry man with no self control.

@abracadabra1980 have to say thanks to both of you as it's eye opening. He actually has on occasion asked me if I need someone to take me out (is do I need a carer) as I'm obviously not fit to go out myself and also called me paranoid, crazy, etc. I'm just kind of realising all these things as I read all these replies. I can't understand why I haven't realised what he's been doing to me, like I actually always think I am the problem and the crazy bitch here. You're also right about him telling me he loves me as he tells me it quite often but recently I have wondered if he even means it as he doesn't treat me that way. He also recently told me that he would never have gotten with me if I was "how I am right now" as I am apparently such a selfish bitch. Part of me believes him because my self esteem is obviously non existent. But the other part of me thinks someone who loves me would never speak to me that way and if I was such a selfish partner then just leave me?! Sorry I am probably venting but just remembering so many things he's said.

It’s not a sudden thing. They don’t start out abusive or they’d never suck anyone in! It starts out lovely, often beyond your hopes and dreams! Then it’s a slow drip, drip, drip of negative..
This link shows the cycle of abuse. You are currently in the ‘reconciliation’ part: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

I agree that you shouldn’t think of it as 10 years lost but a positive that you’ve had the revelation. I remember turning 40 and realising my marriage was abusive..I’d been with him 15 years! I thought to myself that it was better to split after 15 years at 40 than 25 years at 50. I remember the first couple of weeks after he left I kept sighing with relief that he wasn’t there bringing me down any more!
Your situation is likely to only get worse. Everyone will say LTB and you should..but it’s okay not to be ready quite yet. You may need time to process things and get organised. I decided I was done in the November but I didn’t say it until January for certain practical reasons. I tried to grey rock him, which is some ways make it worse, he pushed me for a reaction! But it was the right time to end it. I’ve never regretted the decision.

You need to expect your emotions to go up and down up and down while you come to terms with how he's been treating you.
He has squashed your self esteem,your sense of reality, your confidence,your trust,and lots more besides.

They can never admit they have problems. Is he arrogant? Is he a smart arse? Is he rude to others? Is he conniving?
Bully tactics can be disguised and he will deny it all.

As others have mentioned,you don't need to tell him of your plans -he will only lecture you that you are wrong/rushing into it/all your fault etc
Make sure you have the banking app for your mortgage and a log in for just you.
He might change the house locks (my ex did)
I can't advise you what to do about living arrangements ,you will know what's best.

If you have children you are trapped even more. It is so heart wrenching to split once children are born.

Here to help.

Thank you appreciated! He is very self assured and thinks he is better than other people or more intelligent. He also is quite vindictive if someone wrongs him I would say, not necessarily rude to others but not the nicest person to strangers. I think someone else mentioned it but I am realising he is not a very kind person.

Thanks good advice, I'm not sure how he could get away with locking me out of a house I'd be paying for and jointly own but I guess it's possible. I feel like I have a lot to think about and the feeling of I need to get out of here is making me quite anxious.