Punching wall during argument

[cantcatchmenow]

Been lurking for a while on relationships as been a bit fed up and it has come to a head. Feel like my boyfriend has been constantly telling me how to do things and has been really bothering me. Last night I snapped and shouted at him "No I am sick of a running commentary on how to live my life". We ended up in a big argument where he basically said I am twisting reality and being defensive. Anyway he ended up punching a hole in our living room wall. This is the first time he's ever done anything like this and he said "well it's better than hitting you isn't it". He apologised later for punching the wall but also said it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken to him like sh*t. I really don't know what to do but feel a bit shook up. We had been planning our future together and talking about marriage now this.

Don't bring up kids in this environment
It can take decades to reconcile with.

@Newestname002

It’s so interesting that you point to that example because to be honest with you I doubt he even remembers that.

His narrative is that he hit me once in 2015 and went to therapy. The rest were “arguments”.

I cannot believe I lived with it for so long … I wanted to write it down for @cantcatchmenow so she could see how it escalates over time.

I am not a doormat (although reading that I can understand that you would think I am). I always stood up for myself, argued back etc. I’ve realised that you shouldn’t need to stand up for yourself in a relationship (not just from physical abuse but generally) - your partner should be your safe haven, your shelter from the storm.

I only listed the physical abuse. In between there was so much meanness and coldness. Constant criticism, no empathy. I remember when I was very sick with DC2, as I had been with DC1 - i vomited every morning. About 6 on the in I was being sick as I was every morning and I heard the hallway door close. When I had finished I went through to the kitchen and said “why did you shut the door?”

”Ugh, I’m so bored of listening to that every morning.”

Yes my kids have contact but I try to keep to to the absolute bare minimum - EoW, or a few hours after school. If it went to court he could get 50:50. My kids were 8 and 4 when I left. He cleaned out our bank accounts - $30,000.

Honestly when I write it down it feels like it happened to someone else.

*about 6 months in

I don't think you're a doormat. I think you are a survivor who did what you could when you could.

He sounds like a despicable creature who'd rob and manipulate his children to spite you. You sound like a strong person and I wish you and your children the very best for the future. 🌹

@Endoftheroad12345 so so sorry this all happened to you but I'm so glad you left. Thank you for sharing as it's a good example of how it creeps up.

You absolutely don't seem like a doormat. I think it could happen to anyone and once you're in those situations I don't think it is as simple to leave even when things escalate. Mine is obviously not to the same extent whatsoever but I think a few years ago I would have said I'd never put up with the way he speaks to me now but then it happens and you do. Well done for getting through all of the hell he put you through 💐

I never mentioned in my OP as didn't think it made a difference. But he also came up with his fists in my face after he had punched the wall and I have realised over the last few days that he was obviously trying to scare me. That + blaming me + saying it's better than hitting me is clearly all huge red flags.

He's an abuser but if we wanted to go down the "anger management" (bull shit) route ..... You are dealing with a man who very clearly is having massive trouble regulating his anger and aggression.

He's even told you you were lucky it was the wall and not you. And he's still come and held his fists up near you.

My thought would be ..when is he going to go past that level of aggression; to shoving, hitting etc you.

As I said above, if you were to have kids with him, they introduce pretty much more stress and frustration and trigger points than anything I've experienced in a relationship. They make the relationship without kids look like a walk in the park.

If he's like this without kids, I really wouldn't like to see him with them.

He's not a safe person to continue in a relationship with or have a family with.

On a general note, is there anything more pathetic and unworthy of respect than a man...with a massive advantage in terms of upper body strength.. fronting up to a woman like he's a boxer or MMA fighter in a fight or at a weigh in.

He should go and do it to a man his size and strength who knows how to fight; but men like him never would. Interesting to see how they control their aggression when they could get a beating from someone their size or bigger; somehow rather well.

It's only women and kids they feel free to act Mr. dominant, aggressive ape with.

Pathetic.

@cantcatchmenow

I don’t think I’m a doormat either, I actually think I stayed so long because I always felt like I stood up to him and then because I argued back in some ways I felt l contributed to the “arguments”. Also he was my first serious relationship so I had no point of comparison to realise how abnormal his “anger issues” (as he/I characterised them) were.

I am not sure how old you are or how long you’ve been in a relationship, but I’m guessing late 20s/early 30s if you’re talking marriage and maybe kids?

When you say your experience isn’t to the same extent … I set out my whole timeline so you can see how it crept up over 20 years. We married in 2009 and bought a house later that year. Previously we had always lived in shared flats which I now realise shielded me from the worst of his behaviour as he would mask around our friends who we flatted with. You can see how the abuse escalated from that point. It then ramped up again after the birth of our first child in 2014.

Get out now and have some therapy to process your relationship with him. I guarantee you that once you’re out you’ll realise you have been minimising his behaviour.

Have some time alone to find your peace again, if you want to meet a lovely man who will cherish you and be a wonderful kind father to your future children. I guarantee you this guy won’t. I have an absolutely wonderful, kind, loving, amazing boyfriend now. I don’t regret having my 2DC with exH at all - I wouldn’t change them for the world. I do wish I could have had a baby with my DP - the experience of having a baby with him would have been amazing. It was so hard and lonely and stressful with exH.

@Endoftheroad12345 resonates with me a lot actually as this is my first proper relationship (I intentionally didn't date through uni) and also feel I have stood up for myself a lot and almost triggered the arguments etc. So your experience is very helpful. I'm 32. And I have felt things get worse at the stages where we have bought a house and then got a puppy etc, the criticism has ramped up but it's because of x y z reason.

He has never been physically abusive until he punched the wall but the emotional abuse has definitely been unbearable and when we got the pup it was like a criticism of every single thing I did daily for almost a year. And then berating me for finding it hard/crying a lot.

I'm so happy you have someone who treats you wonderfully and you can never go back so regret is pointless really. I honestly appreciate you sharing your story so much as I can relate to many aspects of it. Wishing you so much happiness 💐

Exactly the same thing happened to me when I was younger I was absolutely terrified of him.

Mine put his fist through a hollow door about six inches away from my head. the effect was to make me walk on eggshells, being very careful of everything I said, so that I didn't provoke him or anger him. That means he has control.

You can't stay with this man now. It's a real shame but you can't stay because your relationship is now no longer one between two equals. It is one between someone who is terrorizing the other and a person who is cowering in fear.

totally @Xenoi24

My now DP is 6’5 and in the military - i.e. he is a professional tough guy (😂). I can never imagine a scenario where he would get aggressive with anyone- his superpower is how calm and emotionally regulated he is.

He would never in a million years do anything that would scare or upset me - it is absolutely counter to how he is built. He is totally protective and looks after me - not because I need to be looked after but because he loves me and cares for me.

I think about how I used to walk on eggshells and I cannot believe the behaviour I used to tolerate. Not just the actual assaults but the mood swings, the first anger, the meanness. It’s not normal, don’t normalise it.

This this this 1000%

He is horribly abusive, and I do hope that you can make some plans to leave as you deserve so much better than this

Since no one has mentioned it yet, you might want to contact women's aid for advice and also a solicitor to get some advice as to what your legal rights are before you leave.

I don't know if you read this book or not, but I imagine you will find him in the pages of this book it's called Why does he do that, and it's by Lundy Bancroft. This is a free copy of the book.

archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Have you got someone irl helping you make plans to leave? It can be as simple as walking out of the door (possibly with the puppy) to somewhere you can safely sleep. The rest can be unpicked with the help of solicitors from a distance.

The violence is horrible and you shouldn’t put up with it.

But being criticised and nit picked every single day (to be point of tears) is terrible too. You have been the frog in boiling water for some time perhaps.

He is an arsehole and no one deserves this horrible treatment.