Have I done anything wrong?

[carpetmedoen]

Last night me and my partner had a huge argument because I went for a cuddle.
He's moods are always up and down but now I'm feeling like I've done something bad.
I just cuddled him and he said no I don't want a cuddle ,I thought he was joking so didn't move.
Then he said again no I don't want a cuddle
So I got off a bit annoyed saying bloody hell I just wanted a cuddle
He started screaming in my face "I said no"
Then he punched the door
Didn't speak all night and woke up this morning and Wouldn't get up.
Then I said are you really doing this over a cuddle
He said it's not about the cuddle
You didn't listen when I said no
I said no
He never shows me affection unless it was on his terms
Monday night he cuddled me fine
I feel really upset now that I've done something bad and don't want to go to work

He said can't you see how toxic that was and how you can't see what you have done
It's not the cuddle

He sounds like a moody prick gnat gets off on mind games tbh. What do you get out of this relationship?

*that

He shouldn't be punching anything or screaming in anyone's face! That's half the issue tbh, that's a very uncontrolled reaction.

If someone says they don't want something, it's probably not a joke and you should respect that and stop rather than ignoring their request to not do something, then getting annoyed at them for rejecting your physical advances.

What would he say if you said, 'I thought you were joking, it was a simple mistake and you're overreacting'?

He's obviously mindfucking you. Why are you even with someone who thinks punching doors is okay?

Something is clearly going on related to his past experiences which seems to trigger him. But how he responded is pretty ghastly and unless he can address this then I don't think you're safe in this relationship.
You need to get him to explain himself. But if you were my friend I'd be advising you to leave.

Actually, whilst not condoning the wall punching, I think if someone's got history for overstepping consent boundaries, I can see why it would be so frustrating and unhealthy.

No means no. Doesn't matter if the persons male or female. To you, it's something minor. To him it could echo previous trauma or just be a pattern of behaviour.

If I posted that my OH kept grabbing my tits even when I said no, and I punched a wall, people would be telling me to leave him and I was justified in doing so

On Mumsnet
"No means no" ... unless it's a man saying it.

@baileys6904

This. A man pushing for stuff, even hugs, and then not respecting boundaries, would be destroyed in here.

The key is finding out why. Past trauma, stress, continuous pressure from you, insecurities, pain/injury... or maybe even infidelity and feeling gross about it... it could be anything.

Either way, you need to respect his limits.

Please leave this prick

It's not that he didn't want a cuddle, but the way he has acted

Punching a door and screaming at you are not things you should put up with in a relationship.

He is moody and withholds affection, its all on his terms..

Nope

@UnemployedNotRetired absolutely no means no and she should have backed straight off. But there also seems to be something else going on here. I don’t think this is a good relationship at all.
@carpetmedoen from this short post you really don’t seem happy. Why are you still with him?

While he might have his reasons for being triggered as I'm sure some will come on and defend him, acting in an unpredictable and frightening way is not acceptable OP.

If this is a normal reaction I'd seriously consider separating. Especially if there are kids in the house

Something is clearly going on related to his past experiences which seems to trigger him.

Bollocks. Sometimes people are just nasty aggressive pricks and that’s what he sounds like.

This. A man pushing for stuff, even hugs, and then not respecting boundaries, would be destroyed in here.

I have never in umpteen years on MN read of a man trying to hug his wife and the wife flipping out, screaming in his face and punching a door. Never.

I swear this place is getting more and more men masquerading as women on here by the day who excuse and minimise their pathetic behaviour and blame shift.

His behaviour and reaction was not normal op - if my dh reacted like that to me cuddling him it would be over or I’d think he was having some kind of psychotic episode.

Do not listen to to the minimisers and victim blamers.

The onus is on him to 'find out why' and to seek help for his behaviour.

It's not on the OP.

That's fair. Seems to be an over-reaction by him.

I would argue there are very unhealthy dynamics here from both of you.

You absolutely 100% should not be continuing to cuddle him if he doesn't want it. That's not okay. I would also be concerned about how often this sort of thing happens - you want a cuddle when he doesn't, or other boundaries that you trample over? Is this a once off or is this a regular thing? Either way, your behaviour is a problem.

His reaction is, of course, also a problem. And again, I'd be interested to know if he's always like this or if it's in reaction to you overstepping boundaries. If the former, then he's also very toxic. If the latter, it's not okay, but it's likely to be reactive abuse.

Either way, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship with positive communication and mutual respect.

Yes, but going in for a hug is hardly being sexually abusive, she didn't grab his penis, grab his chest or try to put her tongue down his throat. It was a hug with her (apparently) loving boy friend/partner.

It's on the OP to leave him alone if he has said no. He overreacted but she should listen.

She didn't say a hug. She said a cuddle on the sofa. Which suggests she wanted to be all close to him and in his space.

Having said that, I'd argue that if someone doesn't want a hug, you don't hug them. It's as simple as that. I mean, sometimes me or DH will go in for a quick hug and the other one is clearly not really into it in which case the first one backs off pretty quickly. It's really not rocket science.

It doesn't matter if it's grabbing his cock or just wanting to stroke his leg, no one should ever be touched if they don't want it.

It is his body, he is allowed to say no and that should be respected.

If he reacts randomly to things you can’t predict it means you are going to start walking on eggshells, never knowing what will send him over the edge. It’s not a nice way to live. Particularly as down the track I bet he’ll say you don’t hug him enough

Previous posters are being ridiculously precious. You did back off after realising he was serious. Also, he said himself, it's not about the cuddle in particular: it's about you not immediately doing as you're told.

He MASSIVELY over-reacted, and punching a door is threat of violence. It's a way of demonstrating what he really wants to do to you. It's a warning not to "push" him, or you'll be next. It's totally unacceptable and one step before full blown domestic violence.

Remember that violent men enjoy being violent, because it's a way of getting an adrenaline boost. They look for ways to start arguments so they can create an excuse to have an outburst. Then they blame you for their own actions and emotions.

Stop trying to figure out his motivations, he's just pretending to have an authentic emotional reason for his behaviour 1) as a justification for his violence 2) to keep you on your toes, so you're always trying to figure him out and care for him, and most importantly 3) to disguise the fact that he simply enjoys using anger and threats of violence. Nothing more, nothing less.

@slore I understand what you're saying and it's entirely possible this man is a dick. BUT... women are yelling constantly about consent. That we expect men to understand that unless there is enthusiastic consent, it's not consent. That "no does not mean yes if you just keep trying" etc etc etc.

So if someone says, "no" to physical contact, that should be respected immediately, IN THE MOMENT, even if you think it's a joke. And if it turns out that this is just another way a man is being abusive to his partner, then fine, she should walk away as a result. But physical contact must be clearly, and obviously and properly consensual at all times. That should just be the baseline we're all operating from.

@Iwasafool @GingerIsBest @UnemployedNotRetired @baileys6904

Get a grip.

She non-sexually cuddled her boyfriend. This is not in any way, shape or form equivalent to sexual abuse. She did release him the second time he asked, only because the first time she thought he was joking.

If you read her actual account, the cuddle didn't cause the outburst. What actually caused him to PUNCH THE DOOR (a threat of domestic violence and outright criminal damage) was her saying "bloody hell, I only wanted a cuddle".

His response to her mere words was this act of violence.

He even said himself, it's not about the cuddle, it's that she didn't listen when he said no. It's about her disobeying him and talking back to him.

Anyone who thinks cuddling their boyfriend is equivalent in wrongdoing to domestic abuse needs their head checking.

No one is suggesting she's sexually abusing him FFS. The point is that she's not respecting his boundaries.

If DH comes in for a cuddle and I don't want him to, I can 100% assure you that I will lose my shit if he still cuddles me and then whines "I just wanted a cuddle" when I get irritated. That's the height of entitlement and I'm not interested. It is MY body and no one gets to so much as touch my bloody hand without my permission.