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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I done anything wrong?

137 replies

carpetmedoen · 05/04/2024 08:06

Last night me and my partner had a huge argument because I went for a cuddle.
He's moods are always up and down but now I'm feeling like I've done something bad.
I just cuddled him and he said no I don't want a cuddle ,I thought he was joking so didn't move.
Then he said again no I don't want a cuddle
So I got off a bit annoyed saying bloody hell I just wanted a cuddle
He started screaming in my face "I said no"
Then he punched the door
Didn't speak all night and woke up this morning and Wouldn't get up.
Then I said are you really doing this over a cuddle
He said it's not about the cuddle
You didn't listen when I said no
I said no
He never shows me affection unless it was on his terms
Monday night he cuddled me fine
I feel really upset now that I've done something bad and don't want to go to work

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/04/2024 12:23

OP, men usually mean sex when they talk about affection. Not cuddles on the sofa.

From your updates, this sounds like a generally unhealthy relationship where, at the very least, your needs aren't being met.

MoonWoman69 · 05/04/2024 12:24

I assume there's something else going on here that we aren't privvy to 🤔
He may be moody, but this seems like a total overreaction to a cuddle, especially when you were cuddling a few days prior. Sounds like guilt over something else to me! Not excusing or defending his behaviour or yours at all, but there's definitely something else to all this.

Blackcats7 · 05/04/2024 12:26

I would run a mile from any man who punched doors/walls. Let alone want to cuddle one. Are you safe?

Original poster
carpetmedoen · 05/04/2024 12:27

@Blackcats7 yes I am
He just over reacts he never hits out etc
I think he just gets worked up and money worries /stress builds up and it's all a outburst

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/04/2024 12:29

It sounds like the trope that's often heard on here, OP. Saying 'No' and having your instruction followed is revered and almost fetish-ised. You persisted when it's not something he wanted. That is definitely not a good move and it doesn't change just because you're a woman.

That refusal though is going on for another reason. Is he worried/annoyed about something else that he's not talked to you about?

Punching doors/furniture isn't ok though, he could have just got up and walked away, there's no need for that and he needs to never do that again.

He should also realise that a 'push me-pull you' relationship isn't going anywhere and if he carries on instead of talking to you then you'll make your own decisions about it.

GreyBlackLove · 05/04/2024 12:29

It's all on his terms
Monday he cuddled me and it was lovely
Why wouldn't I think I was okay to cuddle him?

There are two sides of this for me.
The first is that this sounds one sided and as though he's set you up with contradictory, impossible standards. That's not right before you even get to the wall punching.

The second is that cuddles, like hugs, kisses or sex are not open ended in terms of consent. I'd never expect my partner to ask every time but I do expect him to "read the room" and recognise if I'm clearly busy or not in the mood. That he told you no twice, and instead of saying you hadn't realised or sorry, you got annoyed with him is a bit off.

Either way, the wall punching is a total overreaction and not something I could get past.

CleanShirt · 05/04/2024 12:29

carpetmedoen · 05/04/2024 12:27

@Blackcats7 yes I am
He just over reacts he never hits out etc
I think he just gets worked up and money worries /stress builds up and it's all a outburst

He literally hit out. He punched a wall. That's not cool.

SamW98 · 05/04/2024 12:41

If this is a snapshot of your relationship it sounds unhealthy as feck.

You disrespected his boundaries and continued to despite clearly being told no.

His reaction was way OTT and scarily aggressive.

So while I agree the situation came from you not taking no for an answer, his escalation is so out of proportion I would struggle to get past it.

BusterGonad · 05/04/2024 12:44

This thread is a bit bonkers. I didn't know that I had to ask permission for every handhold, every touch and presumably kiss goodbye in the morning. Utterly bonkers. Here I was thinking the boyfriend was just a manipulative bastard. Playing mind games and enjoying the fallout.

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 12:48

carpetmedoen · 05/04/2024 12:02

We don't really argue
Unless it's about money or affection
It's all on his terms
Monday he cuddled me and it was lovely
Why wouldn't I think I was okay to cuddle him?
We have been together over 3 years

And if you'd said no, and he'd done it anyway it wouldn't have been okay.

Consent is key

BusterGonad · 05/04/2024 12:54

Monday was okay for cuddles as he's feeding you crumbs, keeping you interested enough so you don't think about leaving.

Nicole1111 · 05/04/2024 13:01

Is he always that abusive?

Ofcourseshecan · 05/04/2024 13:48

Ohffsbarbara · 05/04/2024 08:35

Something is clearly going on related to his past experiences which seems to trigger him.

Bollocks. Sometimes people are just nasty aggressive pricks and that’s what he sounds like.

This. A man pushing for stuff, even hugs, and then not respecting boundaries, would be destroyed in here.

I have never in umpteen years on MN read of a man trying to hug his wife and the wife flipping out, screaming in his face and punching a door. Never.

I swear this place is getting more and more men masquerading as women on here by the day who excuse and minimise their pathetic behaviour and blame shift.

His behaviour and reaction was not normal op - if my dh reacted like that to me cuddling him it would be over or I’d think he was having some kind of psychotic episode.

Do not listen to to the minimisers and victim blamers.

I agree. And life’s too short to put up with that kind of shit.

isitbananatimealready · 05/04/2024 14:03

He's rather aggressive, isn't he? I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with someone who goes around punching things, whatever the provocation. There is never any excuse for violence.

Bumblebeeinatree · 05/04/2024 14:15

Is it for him a cuddle means sex later and that doesn't happen? Didn't happen after the previous cuddle? He might think you are teasing him with a cuddle that leads to nothing.

Or was he just wanting to sit quietly watching TV doing something on his phone and you were invading his space and not backing off when asked. It can be claustrophobic sometimes if people want to cuddle and cuddle.

His reaction was OTT though and in no way acceptable. One event like that and I would be off, next time he might hit you.

unsync · 05/04/2024 15:58

Boundaries. Respect them.

BusterGonad · 05/04/2024 17:27

unsync · 05/04/2024 15:58

Boundaries. Respect them.

Oh come on...

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 05/04/2024 18:03

UnemployedNotRetired · 05/04/2024 08:26

On Mumsnet
"No means no" ... unless it's a man saying it.

Can you just add the context here. Op was asking for a cuddle , she's the girlfriend , she wasn't pinning him down trying to force herself on him, it's reasonably for her to think a cuddle is ok without needing consent. That's not to say you can force any kind of interaction, of course you cant. And no does mean no. She's explained she didn't pick up on the vibe he was giving until he got really mad, his reaction was not justified. He can say no to a cuddle in a calmer way. I think its a normal reaction to be confused that someone doesn't want a hug just as much that it's normal he didn't want one. His reaction was not normal. If he has issues, he needs to talk. They are in an adult relationship and this would be the same thought process I'd have if it were a woman.

Lookingoutside · 05/04/2024 18:08

On Mumsnet
"No means no" ... unless it's a man saying it.

Yeah ok 🙄

OP this prick is an abuser and attempting some sort of “reverse” consent violation scenario. He hates women. Leave him.

Lookingoutside · 05/04/2024 18:10

And he punched the door became he wanted to punch you. Leave him.

Iwasafool · 05/04/2024 18:13

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 05/04/2024 18:03

Can you just add the context here. Op was asking for a cuddle , she's the girlfriend , she wasn't pinning him down trying to force herself on him, it's reasonably for her to think a cuddle is ok without needing consent. That's not to say you can force any kind of interaction, of course you cant. And no does mean no. She's explained she didn't pick up on the vibe he was giving until he got really mad, his reaction was not justified. He can say no to a cuddle in a calmer way. I think its a normal reaction to be confused that someone doesn't want a hug just as much that it's normal he didn't want one. His reaction was not normal. If he has issues, he needs to talk. They are in an adult relationship and this would be the same thought process I'd have if it were a woman.

Show quote history

He did say it in a calmer way, she ignored him. She didn't ask she cuddled him, sometimes people just don't want to be touched. She even says she got off him so she was clearly on him.

missin · 05/04/2024 18:16

Look, a cuddle with your own damn husband

Making you feel you've done something terrible

... yeah it's time to go

Are you often in the wrong? Is it usually you who causes the problems? Are you just never able to get it right?

He's gaslighting you and it's covert narcissistic behaviour

However, if the cuddle referred to was sex and you continued past a no which in a loving relationship should be as simple as a "not now babe" ... yes, that might be very triggering and difficult to salvage a marriage from tbh

Either way, it just seems over?

WishesPromised · 05/04/2024 18:28

If you don't have kids end it and move on.

doneandone · 05/04/2024 20:05

He sounds horrible op Sad. Don't have children with him.

Original poster
carpetmedoen · 06/04/2024 12:51

@missin no we were watching tele
It was about 10pm
I just wanted a quick 2 min cuddle
He is back to being okay today and gave me a cuddle and a kiss
Holding my hand watching tele
Telling me he loves me and am I okay ?
It just baffles my head

OP posts:
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