Have I done anything wrong?

[carpetmedoen]

Last night me and my partner had a huge argument because I went for a cuddle.
He's moods are always up and down but now I'm feeling like I've done something bad.
I just cuddled him and he said no I don't want a cuddle ,I thought he was joking so didn't move.
Then he said again no I don't want a cuddle
So I got off a bit annoyed saying bloody hell I just wanted a cuddle
He started screaming in my face "I said no"
Then he punched the door
Didn't speak all night and woke up this morning and Wouldn't get up.
Then I said are you really doing this over a cuddle
He said it's not about the cuddle
You didn't listen when I said no
I said no
He never shows me affection unless it was on his terms
Monday night he cuddled me fine
I feel really upset now that I've done something bad and don't want to go to work

Speaking from experience of living with an individual who messes with your head in this way, I would advise you to seriously think about your long term future. It doesn’t get better. It gets worse and leaves you feeling miserable

Neither of you was reasonable. Sounds like you just don't get on very well. Maybe it's time to split.

This was for @Icantpaint

No one said his reaction was fine. I certainly didnt

I guess I’m surprised your view is that anyone who consents to something, if they don’t consent on another occasion that constitutes game playing

No, not at all, you've taken my comment/s and used it scenarios which are completely out of context and are trying to make me out to be some kind of rape apologist.
He sounds like an aggressive man who is showing his girlfriend who is boss. If she was my friend/daughter I'd be telling her to get out whilst her self esteem was still intact, not wait around until it's too late.

Well yes, that was exactly my point when I posted:

cuddles, like hugs, kisses or sex are not open ended in terms of consent. I'd never expect my partner to ask every time but I do expect him to "read the room" and recognise if I'm clearly busy or not in the mood. That he told you no twice, and instead of saying you hadn't realised or sorry, you got annoyed with him is a bit off

yesterday afternoon.

The aggression is out of order, fully agreed there

but you did say that him being happy to allow contact last time but not this time meant that he was feeding crumbs and keeping her interested. You must see how that looks very much like saying withdrawal of consent is game playing?

So what did you mean by saying it is all on his terms if you also say both parties are able to say no and have that respected?

And then to punch the wall in aggression. He's definitely setting her up and game playing. If you can't see that, that is fine, but in my world it's a red flag. I've heard enough stories about abuse and control to know this isn't good. But you focus on consent. That's fine.

It was a observation based on the fact OP said that he never shows her affection unless it was on his terms.

The concept of situational consent, and him dictating when they can be affectionate are two exclusive points. He has a right to decide when he wants to give or receive affection but a relationship based solely on one person's wants is not healthy.

You need to leave him he is seriously unhinged and abusive it will only get worse.

Punching the door because someone asked for a normal aspect of any loving relationship.
A cuddle.
LTB.

The issue of consent is riddled with conflicts of interest between parties and their varying opinions on what constitutes a need for permission. It is an absolute nonsense.

No normal relationship should need consent for cuddles. I do however agree with another poster that in a healthy relationship, your partner would be able to "read the room" but that should not involve walking on egg shells.

Anyone who shouts in your face and punches the wall because of an unwanted cuddle needs therapy or really does not want to be in that particular relationship. Either way, I'd leave and not look back.

A literal 2 second cuddle with my partner of 3 years who I live with and will more than likely marry
after shouting in your face and punching a door, you are still wanting to marry him?

Are you for real?

That’s what you take from the OP?

Jesus fucking Christ Icantpaint

Also OP - I’ve been with my dh for 20 years.

Ive never once asked for consent for a cuddle - and don’t expect him to either.

He has never once told me to get off him when I cuddle him or show him any sort of affection - because we love one another and enjoy hugging/physical touch.
I suspect even if I cuddled him and he was tired he still wouldn’t tell me to get off because he’d be aware that would be hurtful for me. But I can’t imagine any situation where he wouldn’t want me to cuddle him.

He has never in 20 years screamed in my face or punched a wall. Not even when in a row when I’ve said nasty things.

The sub-standard some people (some of whom I suspect are men masquerading as women) on here is pathetic and frankly a dangerous message to be sending to women.

Find a man who loves you and treats you with respect OP - seriously, screaming in your face and punching the wall because he didn’t want to be hugged…what will he do if there’s a serious issue in your relationship??

It always starts with punching walls from what you read on here.

You partner sounds either abusive or mentally unwell. Possibly both. He acted in a violent and aggressive manner for reasons known only to himself, and will now try to divert from that by framing you as guilty of 'failing to respect his bodily autonomy' and 'obtain his consent' in a situation very few people would deem it necessary. (You will see posters echoing this on here. Their agenda is the same as his, to hide male aggression by blowing up a womans misstep out of all proportion.)

ts unfortunate you mistook his initial reaction as a joke as you shouldn't have cuddled him after he said no, but this does not make you abusive or coercive and that shouldn't be your concern. Your real issue is having a partner who is unable to control his rage and becomes physical. He hit the wall instead of you. This time.

Their agenda is the same as his, to hide male aggression by blowing up a womans misstep out of all proportion.)

100%

Its so easy to spot the misogynists on here.

☝🏻

Oh for gods sake, it's not the same at all. There's a weird bunch of muppets on this thread with some kind of agenda.

He doesn't sound safe.
He can get annoyed that you didn't twig right away that he didn't want a cuddle, sure. Shoo you away, get up and move.
What he did was beyond ridiculous and uncalled for.
I would be rethinking the relationship. Don't you want to be able to relax with your DP without all of this bullshit drama?
He's looking for a fight! He demands more affection from you and then gets punchy when you do what he's asked.
Fuck that.

Are you seriously thinking of marrying him after that? I would get as far away from him as I could.

What do you think? My 18 year old DD flings herself into my arms crying because she's failed her exams 'Now Darling, I know you're upset, but remember you do need to ask if you want cuddles from me, because my body, my choice remember!'

Jesus. No one is talking about asking permission so quit with the reducto as absurdum

If you think it’s ok to not stop touching when told, just say so

So he’s conditioning you to walk on eggshells.

Nah. Sounds like a horrible setup.

Relationships really don’t have to be so hard.