Have I done anything wrong?

[carpetmedoen]

Last night me and my partner had a huge argument because I went for a cuddle.
He's moods are always up and down but now I'm feeling like I've done something bad.
I just cuddled him and he said no I don't want a cuddle ,I thought he was joking so didn't move.
Then he said again no I don't want a cuddle
So I got off a bit annoyed saying bloody hell I just wanted a cuddle
He started screaming in my face "I said no"
Then he punched the door
Didn't speak all night and woke up this morning and Wouldn't get up.
Then I said are you really doing this over a cuddle
He said it's not about the cuddle
You didn't listen when I said no
I said no
He never shows me affection unless it was on his terms
Monday night he cuddled me fine
I feel really upset now that I've done something bad and don't want to go to work

How does consent differ from permission in your view? And how is 'obtaining consent' for any physical touch whether sexual or not achieved if one doesn't 'ask permission'? Are they not one and the same? In your enthusiasm to malign the OP by ignoring nuance, circumstances and motive and likening her behaviour to unwanted sexual contact, you appear to have dug yourself a bit of a hole. My example is perfectly valid. If you can't fit your theory into it...just say so.

Im not the one in the hole

noone has said that it’s reasonable to say “please May I have a cuddle” every time in a relationship. You made that up

lots of people have said that when someone says no, you should stop. Not carry on, or whine about it.

it’s not hard, I’m im pretty sure you’d defend a woman’s right to say “please don’t do that” and have it respected, without resorting to obfuscation around permission…

Yes, she should have stopped when asked. But mistakenly and initially thinking a partner was joking when they rejected a non sexual gesture of affection of the type considered the norm in a relationship, bears no resemblance to a man forcing himself sexually on his partner, groping her body against her wishes, or coercing her for sex. Just because you drop the term consent a few times into the mix doesn't place OPs error on a par with men who do this, and certainly shouldn't become the smokescreen for her partners violence that some posters clearly want it to be.
OPs male partner who is likely bigger and stronger than she, and so perfectly able to loosen her physical hold on him, chose to scream in her face and punch a wall. Yet here we are discussing how awful it is for a woman to not have obtained her partners consent for a hug.

Again

noone is drawing equivalence between not wanting a cuddle and sex, only you. All that I and many other posters are saying is that anyone has a right to say no to any contact. There have been a number of posters saying this husband shouldn’t have that right And we’ve challenged that’s as being wrong.

you’re right on many things. No it’s not equivalent. No he should not react like that. Yes op made an error. Yes she should respect his wishes

Hmm... Someone compared it to a female not wanting her 'tits' squeezed, and saying so, yet still having her tits squeezed.

I've only looked back at the first page to find a poster comparing it to a man 'grabbing his wife's tits' another suggesting that the OP may have a history of 'trampling over his boundaries' and a few more in the same vein, so you are quite wrong in your denial that people have said this. Unless I've missed it, you are also mistaken in your claim that people have said he shouldn't have the right to refuse a hug. I haven't seen anyone say this. I apologise if I've overlooked that.

I imagine one thing we can all agree on is that people can reject a hug if they like. Where we appear to differ is in seeing this as the most important aspect in this scenario. A women is posting who is living with an unpredictable, volatile and violent man. Yet three or so posts in the usual cohort seize upon the opportunity to portray him as the victim of her. Its as tedious as it is transparent, and needs challenging everytime, so women like the OP don't end up being gaslighted into believing they are the perpetrator in a situation where they may be in physical danger.

@5128gap Excellent post. 👍

You again.

What do you get out of being a man on a vast majority women's forum?

Do you think many other blokes are posting on here? In relationships?

Why do you think that is?

You came on here to moan and bitch endlessly about being cheated on, I think and haven't fucked off.

You feel the need to pop up in every cheating thread to say women cheat too. And you pop up in every cheating thread to say women on here are double standarded (most aren't, probably way less than men, but you don't that on board when it's said to you either. You post like 100% of women excused cheating when it was 20% max).

Oh and in this thread, I like how you neatly omitted that part where the theoretical woman (who's physically weaker than him incidentally) screamed in his face and punched a wall/door.

As always 5128gap is the voice of reason.

No, this is not a reasonable or stable or acceptable way to reject an unwanted hug.

He sounds unstable, volatile, violent and worrying.

I don't understand why in any situation it's ok to punch a wall and scream in your partner's face.
Imagine for one moment it's a tantrum-style act of frustration-yet surely that's a very, immature teenage-style response.
Yet imagine punching a wall or a door in genuine rage, and anger. This isn't an existential crisis- losing a home, a child dying. No, it's a cuddle.
Sorry neither is acceptable going forward. I don't even know how a partner would feel safe or begin to trust another who is so volatile and dangerous.
Again
LTB.

Very well explained @5128gap Thank you

Oh for the love of God.

I am a female. I was born a female. I am 48 years of age. I have one child that I gave birth to (vaginally) and 3 step children of various ages.

Look through my history. If you think I've been posting for 15 years+ to prepare for this 'gotya! Moment, you'd be wrong. I don't post much, I refer to the previous 4 children for that time explanation, but there should be enough of a history.

Wierdly, not everyone with a vaginas agrees with you. That doesn't mean they don't have a vaginas. It means the fact you think they must be men for not agreeing, says more about you than it does about me.

But yes, I did use the tit example. I could use any. If my other pinched my last rolo when I told him not to, that's a distinct crossing of boundaries and lack of respect. It's the fact he did something after I expressly said not to. I wouldnt accept that from him, but equally, cos that's what we are, he shouldn't expect that from me either.

However I've not seen one post condone the extremity of the reaction. Not one. But let's not let that get in the way of misgendering or name calling or any of that mature stuff