DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

If I’m unable to do something, DH scoffs and says there’s nothing wrong with me, even the doctors can’t find anything wrong, so I need to get over it because it’s clearly all in my head.

This is just plain nasty.

Last year, in my forties, I suddenly developed a neurological condition that left me in hospital and then home and bedridden for months. I'm still struggling now and it took a long time to be fully diagnosed. It's an invisible condition but DH hasn't once suggested it's in my head. That would hurt me just as much as the condition itself does.

Your illness and reduced capability are just the occasion for the abuse, not the cause
I agree, the op is weakened and incapacitated, the man's response to this is to have an overwhelming urge to dominate and crush her. He is a predator, a bully.

Why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with an abusive bully?

I have in no way dismissed OP or minimised her concerns. I have said his behaviours are not acceptable and he is behaving in an awful way.

However before her update there was little context given so I'd rather look at the wider picture and see if there were any options other the LTB.

Just because you'd walk out after one incident is neither here or there.

😬

Wow

As always, lots of LTB without looking at the bigger picture. Is the OP disputing what some posters are saying here, regarding what she has been posting.

just search her username into the advanced search option yourself and you can see everything she’s been posting. She can’t dispute that😂

Well there would appear to be some discrepancies in the posts that the OP wrote from a few days ago, and now. Oh well....I must go and prick my potatoes, and put them on. It is jackets for tea🥔😁

Agree with this. If he was open to being kind and reasonable he wouldn't have started that behaviour in the first place. He is choosing to be this way. Simply awful.

Sounds like fibromyalgia or ME. Hopefully nothing more serious As for the DH please please get rid of him. Feel free to pm me about your health stuff I can advise (not give medical advice but advise about the diagnosis process etc)
Best of luck either way op

She does not have ME or Fibromyalgia.

Advanced search people.

There is no wider picture to look at in this scenario. This is abusive, regardless of what he's like the rest of the time.

This is very interesting!

So sorry to hear you're going through this OP. I too have been through extreme muscular pain to the point of being bed ridden but I am now leading a nearly normal life. It's been quite a long road as doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me either. I eventually stumbled across TMS - you can look this up on Google and look into the books of John Sarno and Allen Gordon. It has really helped me and might help you too! Best wishes

Interesting.

Maybe the autism is a recent diagnosis and the dh doesn't accept it's disabling to op?

From experience autism can cause almost a paralysis in 'just getting stuff done', the overwhelm from being ordered to do a certain task at a certain time while a dickhead yells over your shoulder and doesn't actually help can be really debilitating.

This is sadly true. Not everyone is kind. Some men are though.

Of course there is a wider picture

Me and DH are both fine with afternoon naps and binge watching box sets. We both do better with bursts of doing stuff.

Your DH is treating you like a broken wife toy. Unfortunately, his true self is coming through now you don’t work as well as he would like you to.

Look after yourself.

Tell your DH to stop bullying you.

She was also not autistic 2 days ago so recent diagnosis indeed.

@Meridean are you going to come back and give more information?

People can't give you advice if you're not willing to be honest.

Are you actually physically disabled?

Do you actually have autism?

Leave him. He is treating you like an appliance rather than a human. I would firmly tell him that either he accepts you are ill, educates himself and supports you or you leave. Tell him that you are going to be watching how things develop and if he is able to make any changes or else you will leave. Set a deadline in your head - you don't have to tell him the deadline. If he hasn't changed by that date then follow through and leave. You only have one life. I have various 'invisible illnesses' and I would not stay long term with a partner who treats me like I am a liar and an appliance that isn't performing to his standards. I know perfectly well that none of it is in my head. The issues, judgment and ignorance are in his head. There are lots of cruel and ignorant people like this around. If you have an invisible disability you need to keep out of their way - they are society's bullies. Also, if you have an autoimmune illness it's probably being exacerbated by the stress his behaviour is putting you under. So his behaviour is probably actually further damaging your health. Set a deadline and if he doesn't improve his behaviour get out. Do not understand any circumstances start thinking that he may have a point or perhaps you may need to compromise as it all must be so difficult for him to adjust to. He is bullying you. It is that black and white. He needs to change that behaviour or you need to leave for your own well being.

It has been known for abused women to fall on poor health to protect themselves, I'm not saying op isn't ill, she probabably is ill due to this wanker bullying her all the time.

Some men treat women like robots, highly critical and pushing them constantly to get their monies worth out of them.
Many abused women plead for a stop in the nagging and pressurising, hoping to get the perpitrator to see they are tired and unwell will give them respite.

Op you are clearly getting to the point whereby he is making you ill, or making your illneses worse, you need a break from him to recover.

And to the naysayers, you don't know how abuse works if you do not understand how badly, depression and anxiety can affect your health. Maybe op is just desperate for help.