DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

@Meridean

Why can't he ask other family members to help or even a good family friend etc?

Why not have a proffessional Carer to come and help you too ?

I can't believe this is totally out of the character behaviour,

I think 🤔 he is an unpleasant extremely one Arsehole who would expect you to pander to his whims and needs if he has a man cold or the flu ect .
Wouldn't he.

Maybe he's being downright nasty because he you're vulnerable.

Just checking the meaning of your expression (I’m not British).

I imagine that’s the meaning you are referring to of course
https://fluentslang.com/wet-meaning/

The term wet is a slang term that is commonly used to describe something exceptional or outstanding.
😁😁

A nice sleep under the patio would help make him see sense.

Seriously, you shouldn't have to put up with this. Check out the DV pages here.

Sorry your experiencing this from him .I've had the worst Yr health wise and it's a life changing condition so your story is striking a cord with me .The difference is my dh has been a great support and even chatted to me the other day about how my level of energy is now lower so he's obviously going to be able to do more than me .The guilt I'm feeling is mine not him putting it on me .
Where is your relationship going , where do you see it in a couple of yrs .
Maybe time to really work out what's best for you moving on .

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It may be worth checking out the link below.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

@Pinkbonbon

100 per cent totally agree with nailed it on the head emotionally insightful post...

@Meridean

Don't try attempt to emotionally and psychologically verbally twist contort yourself like trapeze artist to fit in with his skewed maladaptive agender trip,

He knows exactly what he is doing, he gets a pschological kick ego boost out of it.

Do yourself a favour get as much support as possible around you and ditch him for good...

What would happen if you just told him “no” and to get lost?

Your best chance of changing the marriage dynamic is to stand up to him. Tell him he knows nothing, is not a medical doctor and you won’t be doing this extra work he has dictated to you until the medical investigation is complete and you have received advice.

If that is liable to make him self immolate in anger, I would prepare to leave him. The rest of your life with this man and having a condition like this (if it persists) will be an absolute misery. I would start telling your family and friends what is happening to you as you need the support.

He sounds horrible.

I don’t have a disability and I’m off work today with my DH this week. He’s done DIY work around the house non stop while I’ve pottered at my own pace, relaxed, snoozed etc. He has not once said cross words to me. And I have no medical reason for doing less, I just like to relax with my time off work and he likes to be productive.

I’d re-assess whether you want to remain married to someone who respects you so little.

I do understand it's insufficiently feminist to say this, but if you are over 55 and have been married with children for over a decade, then don't even question the emotion content in your relationship. You are almost certainly the person losing financially here. But you need to be able to PROVE your story, all the way to the end.

The appetite for confrontation is astonishing here. I'm gobby and fairly brave, but I don't know how the most forceful of you sustain any personal relationships at all. Please do explain

What a prick he is.

I've got long covid atm. Recovery seems to be taking eons. Yesterday was a successful day, I managed to put on/hang up a load of washing, empty the dishwasher and make 90% of dinner. Dh thanked me for doing so much and asked if I was sure I hadn't overdone things. He made me a cuppa and packed me off to bed while he cleared up from dinner washed the stuff that wouldn't go in the dishwasher.

I'm not saying that to be smug @Meridean but to show you what care and support should look like when you're unwell/disabled. You deserve so much better

What an absolute c**t.
Hopefully he'll develop a condition himself, maybe in older age.
Leave if possible, make a life for yourself.
💝

My comment was clearly intended to be helpful not offensive. I’m not sure what you wanted to accomplish with yours.
Suggesting that someone focus on their self care when they are ill is hardly offensive. I understand that autoimmune disorders cause attack on on tissues due to immune system oversensitivity, regardless raging cortisol from the stress of having a man lord over you and second guess yourself at every moment of the day is going to effect your mental and eventually physical health. That is my school of thought and the language I used - “apparently” was intentional as I don’t think this woman is interested in links to scientific studies but support. I actually feel your comment was very inappropriate.

@Meridean it sounds like he is abusing your mental and physical health. Pushing you when you have just about recovered puts you at a lot of risk. I’m very concerned for you.
Do you have kids with your DH?
I think if your physical health gets worse ( though I hope not), I think this man is def not going to take care of you and potentially neglect you.Do you have friends and family around in case you need them?
very sorry for your health condition Op 🌷

Sadly that's not a surprise to read.

Not bagging stuff quickly enough?

Who gives a fuck as long as it gets done?

Most people would just help.

I’d echo that, although this does sound quite extreme. But, when my late husband first became ill enough to be ‘disabled’ I found it incredibly frustrating and limiting. I’ll admit I did get annoyed, and short tempered at times. But, after it came to a head we talked it through with a counsellor. I explained how I felt, and how I knew I was being unreasonably but was struggling to come to terms with the limitations his illness imposed might impose on our future. He explained he felt the same, and was frightened and scared. We were fine after that, and he lived for another 10 years in which time we did so much, and created so many memories. So I think it’s not about counselling for just him, but both of you

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Why are you being dismissive and mocking @PearlShark post ???

Here's a thought,
in reply to Pearlshark post could it be two factor's in play in reality in regards of how trauma or /extreme stress etc can affect the body over 🤔 time,
their is the obviously medical factor of how your immune system works and immune system can become dysfunctional,

I wonder and think extreme stress pressure and trauma in the equation,
especially with not enough support to cope with this kind of shit,

can make someone physically bit/ some more vunerable susceptible to certain kinds of health disorders weakens over time,

Obviously people are individuals and their allways exceptions based on several factors,

It's not bollox that trauma and extreme stress etc can affect people's bodies in detrimental way and obviously on our minds on pschological level too.

Just think of senerio in which you have a really psychological extremely abusive bullying boss and a working environment in which bullying and back stabbing competition was really encouraged,

Or

Also extreme trauma for example a childhood abusive background domestic abuse of some kind such as neglect or and violence even sexual abuse,
and quite often women and men unwittely choose partners who mirror a similar dysfunctional childhood backgrounds to themselves in some way,

Do you think that trauma or extreme stress over time can have affect on someone's immune system?

therefore a women or man in this kind of abusive situation that @Meridean describes about her marriage,
could have in reality had a childhood even teenage hood and adulthood in a abusive relantship dysfunctional dynamics,
emotional and pschological shit 💩💩💩💩build up clogging their system up,

Of course this will have a detrimental effect over time,
as people are not 🤖 robots.!!!!

Also there is a saying "we are what we eat" our kind of food can affect how we feel and general health over time,

I’m not disabled but there are days we have annual leave from work where I do very little. Pjs all morning, drinking coffee and nothing more. Is it lazy? I guess so but when you’re on the go you need recovery time. Add in a disability and that balance is more important than ever! When I have my planned lazy days, my dh brings me coffee and checks if I need anything or if there’s anything extra he can pick up from the mental load. That’s the caring reaction to have. I’m so sorry your h is treating you like this. You don’t deserve it.

How can she leave if not well enough to do that. Someone would have to come and move you and also you would need someone else to care for you if you are disabled. This isn't going to be a quick fix

I’m not disabled. I’m a teacher on my Easter holidays and I spent yesterday and today in bed. No reason other than I wanted to be lazy reading books and napping. My husband makes jokes about me being deactivating in the holidays but not once has he bullied me or made me feel guilty about being lazy - and I actually am! How dare he.

He's just a bastard, that's all. A cruel one at that.

How horrible for you, OP. I hope you are not letting it stress you. You might still recover or get better - providing you are sometimes able to forget the condition and/or get good treatment.

I think you should say to DH, very calmly, that you are rather worried at his response and unsympathetic approach to your illness - and that you might need to think about separation in the wake of his lack of empathy and feeling for you.

I have arthritis and tumour on my spin. Both affect me a lot. There are days I simply would like to lie down 24hours.
No bloody way someone could push me to do anything at home if I'm not well.
I feel you. Even simply things, like to tidy up couple of drawers or dust some corners can be extremely difficult and will have impact for your wellbeing next days or even weeks.

It’s abuse, pure and simple.
You know when you hear of awful care staff who berate elderly or disabled patients? Laugh and taunt those with LD ? That’s your husband.
Speak to Women’s Aid, and your GP, you need this on record.