DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

Emotional stress makes this kind of condition worse. I know because it affects my fibromyalgia. I'd be assessing how you manage financially without him and make plans OP because this is abuse quite simply and you need to protect yourself.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.

@Meridean

I strongly suspect that he set up this week of clearing out the house on purpose to humiliate you.

I would also be suspicious about whether he wants the clearing done because he has checked out of the marriage and thinks the house could be sold.

Either way, I think you need to reevaluate the relationship. He's a remorseless, cruel bully.

Do you have any friends or family you could call? Could you call and ask them to come over, or go to them for a little bit. You need to talk to people who lo e you and care about you in real life about what's been happening.

I agree with @Pinkbonbon here.

Your illness and reduced capability are just the occasion for the abuse, not the cause.

Don't try explaining your illness or its effects for him. If he cared about you, he would have done all the research himself once you told him about your diagnosis, and he would have figured out how to support you.

There is no amount of information that will give him the personality transplant he so clearly needs.

OP you do not deserve this.

My husband was hugely active. Now he is disabled. He can no longer do the things he used to. He can't for example drive anymore. I hate driving. Hate it. But I no longer say that. I cheerfully pick up the keys and take us wherever we need to go. There is no option. It's not his choice. He doesn't want to be in this situation either but here we are so let's make it work. I cannot fathom what your partner is seeking to achieve other than cruelty.

You deserve better.

Have my first LTB

Do you have kids?

Was he utterly lovely before you had them and then started with the cruel and unusual punishment in your first pregnancy?

Bring him to the charity shop!

honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

I feel really sad reading this , OP. The reality is that I don’t think you can.

Some men increase any previous abusive behaviours if you become more dependent on them and it’s also documented that women who become incapacitated are more likely to be divorced.

Difficult as it might be to hear, I agree with those suggesting you assess how easy it would be financially to leave. While it obviously shouldn’t be worse being disabled with a partner than without, being stuck with and dependent upon someone who resents you for it has to be one of the most unpleasant things ever. I watched my ex MIL bully ex FIL because of his Parkinson’s and it was awful.

This may sound out there, but please look into coeliac disease as a possible cause. I have it and for me the symptoms were neurological, with I tense burning pains and twitching as you have described. Also immense fatigue, weakness, lightheadedness and blurry vision.
It coukdnof course be many things, but neuro conditions are notoriously slow.to be investigated (there are very few neurologists). And this is one common but often overlooked cause.

Whatever it is, I hope you get answers soon. As for.your H, what a horrible man! You don't deserve to out up with that treatment. I hope you have others you can reach out to.

I understand your DH might need time to adjust to the new normal.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour though.

If you spell it out to him, how it's making you feel with him behaving this way?

I appreciate leaving is a lot harder when disability is involved, but you shouldn't put up with his behaviour.

This has made me sad

Dump the dickhead

The fact you can still walk several miles and still sort through bags for 6 hours is amazing!

But you're doing too much.

Just do 2 - 3 hours per day, if you're up for it.

If you're not, too bad.

Rest when you need to.

Your husband is abusing you. Abusing a person who is sick and under hospital care!

It's your holiday and if you want to rest, you can. Don't let him feel like you can't.

Who would want him?!

Take him to the tip!!

I'm afraid there is a very high proportion of men who get more out of relationships than women do. They like this setup, they don't want to give more than they get, they might not even be aware they have this entitlement/privilege but they know that if the woman isn't putting in more than they are then the men are getting ripped off.

Many men leave their wives when they get ill with cancer for example, many more than the amount of women who abandon their ill spouses.

As far as your 'D'h is concerned, you are not fulfilling your contractual obligations to make his life easier and better now that you are sadly unwell.

I'd leave him because I can't see how this is going to get better, it's more likely to get worse and then you really will be trapped.

Who'd want that? Just bin him.

He is abusing you, speak to Women's Aid. You either need to leave or kick him out. He doesn't care that you are ill & quite frankly would be kicking you to try to make you get up if you dropped dead on the spot.

This sounds awful op, can you go stay with relatives or a friend for a couple of nights to create some space. Be honest with them about why you need a few days apart.

if this is stress and he is otherwise a good partner, I would educate him about the illness. Send him the nhs page for your illness. Take him to appointments. Get a medical friend to spell out what the condition is

if he is a bully by nature and opts not to understand the nature of your illness ask him to leave permanently

Take him to a doctor's appointment with you.
Insist he gets himself counselling and you employ a kind declutterer for one half day per week until you have tidied up the areas you wish to clean out.

Refuse to work with a bully.
If husband continues treating you with mean contempt, make a plan to bag up his belongings and to take in lodgers to pay for him to rent a room until you can separate.

He doesnt need to go to an appointment. He knows. He understands that she has this condition. He just doesnt like it. He wants a nice easy life that is all working his way, and right now, it isnt. So he is punishing her for making his life harder.

He is a selfish nasty vile piece of shit, plain and simple and no amount of facts or proof will make him change.

He treats the OP this way because he can but, more crucially, because HE WANTS TO.

OP, this is abuse. If you have DC your relationship is the blueperint for their future relationships. I'm imagining they are not witnessing a respectful, happy relationship. You're teaching them that this the kind of treatment they should expect/dish out when they are older.

According to you yourself yesterday there is nothing physically wrong with you.

What ? I was just about to post something but I won’t based on the previous post

She was also apparently neuro typical on one thread yesterday despite having autism.

Just time wasting.

Whats the health condition?

Are you getting any ongoing treatment to help?

I think he's clearly being unreasonable.

but have a little sympathy - its hard for him suddenly having to take on double the workload around the home.

Can you talk about that with him, and suggest ways you can contribute that don't exacerbate your issues? Eg can you take on family admin tasks that are less physical like ordering online shopping, posting stuff you are decluttering for sale online, being the person who sorts out any insurance, books cars for mot each year, researches any holidays you go on?

I had a situation where i was laid up a few weeks with a broken bone. Dh got frustrated with me laid up resting because actually while i couldn't help physically, i had switched off from doing anything useful and he was swamped. When i took on the computer based tasks at home it meant he could at least see i wasn't leaving everything on him.