DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.

This is a quote from Science Daily describing a US study.

I'm disabled and have lived with various able-bodied people (women and men, partners and housemates) who have found it difficult when I wasn't 'pulling my weight'. I've found the best way to deal with this is to acknowledge how difficult it is for THEM that they are having to do more of the work. That it's not fair. How they must be feeling. Explain what is going on with you physically in detail and say what you can do. 'I could either do small task 1 or task 2'.
It's not fair. But people don't understand how tired you can be. Or that what you can manage has changed. I've found, even with good-hearted people, that you need to try to do more of the emotional lifting to make up for the physical stuff. But I don't know your partner and he might not choose to try and understand, and instead keep being an arse.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Talk to him. See if things improve. Does living with him make it easier make your condition easier or harder to manage? Make a clear-headed decision from there.

Throw the abusive prick in the trash along with all his shite.

It's abuse op and it'll only get worse if you stay with him. His kind get worse when you are ill because to them...it's like their TV malfunctioning. You aren't supposed to do that because you are only there for his benefit. An object. He doesn't have compassion for you because he's not capable of it.

He will grow more and more contemptuous.
Your ailment has done you a favor. It's exposed the shit person who cannot be leaned on in your life. The fake partner. Use it to escape this loser.

Keep walking a mile a day so you don't get unfit but never push yourself to the point of illness ever again. Especially for a cunt of a 'partner'

OP I have a long term health condition which is for the most part, invisible. I have to agree with PPs about how nasty your DH’s reaction is. What have you said to him about this?
Is there a charity with a website for your condition? If so, I would recommend asking him to read up/ watch videos or similar so he can understand.
Otherwise, take him along next time you see your medical team! That was an eye-opener for my husband. Set your boundaries going forward and tell him how much you are likely to be able to do.
And I’m not in the immediate LTB camp, but if he refuses to engage and continues this behaviour, I’d be reconsidering whether I want to live with someone who’s supposed to love and care for you in sickness and in health.
Good luck.

I left my abusive ex when the kids were small. Couple of years later I developed RA and he was and still is, vile. He refuses to believe I struggle with mobility/fatigue etc. Now, one of our teenagers also has little sympathy as his dad said it’s all in my head.

I think if some people can’t see a broken leg or a wheelchair or it’s not something like cancer they either can’t or won’t understand or it’s just an inconvenience to them. Your ‘D’H sounds abusive.

Normally I find LTB a bit dramatic, but I would seriously consider it. You can't live your life like that. How awful.

What a bastard, kicking you while you're down😡
(I would be plotting)

In sickness and in health? What a cock end.

It is hard for the other half of a disabled person. Obviously in different ways. Is he trying to ignore the problem? Have you sat him down and really told him how you're feeling?

There is no way I'd put up with this

You married a Sergeant Major, his organising you is probably one of the reasons your health has declined.

Get rid of him to get some peace.

What an absolute bell 🔔 end. Hope you're on the road to recovery
Take it easy OP.

I'm inclined to agree.
I dont know if it's worth giving him a trial period to see if he softens his attitude but I'd be keeping a detailed log of every incident. That way you can see more clearly if things are escalating. You dont need this awful stress & bullying if you've health issues OP.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough.
Why wasn't he bagging as well?

He's abusing you. Is it just since you've been more vulnerable and trapped or has he always done things like this?

That is an abusive relationship

• *You need to make a decision wether to stay with the demoralising lunatic or get away from him.

The longer behaviour like what you have endured continues, the greater the phycological damage will be for you both physically as well as emotionally.

He’s never been supportive when I’ve been ill, he would just ignore me. But now he’s being downright nasty because I’m not physically able. I think because he doesn’t believe there’s actually anything wrong with me.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough.

Instead of standing nagging, he could have been helping.

From his perspective, his housework appliance (you) is on the blink. Him bullying you is the verbal equivalent of thumping the casing and swearing at a faulty microwave.

I'll join others on the thread in saying LTB.

This. No question

Shocking. What an absolute cunt.

No, it's not about disbelieving you it's about you being trapped and vulnerable. It's similar to when a woman is pregnant or just given birth, an abusive man ramps it up so the abuse is more noticeable.

He won't change so what you do want to do? Hide from the worst as he works outside the home so it will be bearable? Get counselling for yourself so you are more immune to it? Or do you want to explore a way out? Once you know what you want you can work out the how.

He’s an abusive asshole and he won’t change because he can’t/won’t accept he’s in the wrong. The question is therefore whether you can live like this and if not what you’ll do about it.

It's abuse, treating you like a machine that's malfunctioning. It's just only now you're vulnerable he's showing his nasty side.
Dump him.

Do you have children with him??

Next step is to bag up his things and declutter him.

This is awful op.
I was diagnosed with RA in 2021 with a newborn and a small child and I couldn't have coped without a supportive husband.

He needs some educating at the very least and tbh maybe a week at his mother's because it's disgusting. I'd seriously be contemplating my marriage vows at that point

No one would actively choose to be disabled!!

Imagine how this guy will be in your old age. Hope he gets there sooner. Actually hope you are financially secure and find your confidence to leave him.

I'd get rid of him, he's a millstone round your neck. What's your housing situation?