DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

He’s a bully OP. You say you can ‘only’ do several miles, and nothing more intensive. Half of that would be pretty intensive for me!

@Meridean i became disabled, quite a bit compared to when we got married. You know what my DH does? Tells me everyday I am beautiful and enough and the small amounts I do help. I believe him. This is what your DH should be for you and anything else is settling. He doesn’t care or love you I’m afraid to say. I bet if it was the other way around he would expect looking after.

You mention toys - are your kids witnessing this behaviour? Is he like it with them? He’s an abusive twat and you should throw him out.

The only thing I'd be packing tomorrow is his bags.

And as quickly as my body would allow.

A natural response to stress is to flag, to conserve energy and sleep to ease pain. Living with an unsupportive arse, is stressful and I have no doubt is exasperating your illness. You deserve so much better.

Yeah some men don’t like it when their wifebots don’t work as they “should”. Honestly OP either you don’t get much better (and I sincerely hope you do) and he will treat you like shit and then probably leave or you do get better and you have to live with the knowledge that you only have value to him if you are physically able. Either way it’s not really how someone who loves you behaves.

My grandmother was fit and able when she and my grandfather married.

25 to 30 years later she developed a brain condition that was degenerative. He worked full time, ignored his own health issues, cared for her and their still at home youngest child and the home. He did this until the day he died. His biggest worry would be that he would die first, because he knew that due to her issues she would have to go into a care home.

Thats what a person does when they love their spouse.

You dont have one of those, you have an abuser.

I wonder how much quicker your recovery would be if you didnt have him standing over you with his arms crossed pushing you further than you are able to go.

He believes that you have this condition, he just doesnt like the fact that it inconveniences him. He is trying to prove, to himself and to you, that you are making a fuss over nothing and that his life could be better but you dont want it to be.

HE IS A CUNT. Please please PLEASE leave. Womens Aid, Social Services, the Police, all of them can help you. You are a victim of domestic abuse.

I say again in case you dont get it

HE. IS. A. CUNT.

I'm very sorry that on top of ill health you also have to deal with lack of empathy from your husband, OP. It's normal to struggle with adapting to a new situation like this, but it's not acceptable to yell and be emotionally abusive. His behaviour is entirely unacceptable. You don't need to convince him of anything, he needs to see the error of his ways and apologise on his own if your relationship is to survive.

I suspect you feel the need to explain and convince because you are on some level feeling guilty about becoming disabled, which is a common feeling. Society really is pretty cruel as a whole and people with disabilities are constantly accused of faking it, humiliated for needing adaptations, etc. But this is not on you at all. Please remember that, actually, most human beings will experience a degree of disability/illness at some point in life and from that POV everyone is just "temporarily abled". Having a vulnerable living body is part of being human and you are doing nothing wrong by existing in your changing human body.

@Meridean I think his behavior is unconscionable. But I would say I expect he's partly in denial, partly hasn't processed everything you're going through and partly is a regular bloke who can't keep track of changes. FWIW I lost half my sight 6 months ago, on one side. My DH cannot remember that I have trouble going down steps (I can't see where one starts and ends) and I can see nothing to one side. We were walking down the street on the w'end and he was on my blind side. He LITERALLY walked in front of me to turn into a street and I slammed into him hard. Because I couldn't see him. He has forgotten that I'm half blind. Forgotten. I was very unhappy about this, but not as unhappy as I'd have been if he'd been abusive like your DH is being. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk. Then see how you feel about it and what your options might be, if he won't take on board this change and help and be kind to you.

Absolutely tell him to leave. This is abuse. It will probably get worse. What's he going to do if you get more ill, kick you to make you move faster?

Have you got money to live on? Do you own your house, or rent?

Tell me where you live and I will come round and show him the error of his ways!
My late wife has SPMS and it broke my heart when she couldn't manage things in life, I'm not religious but I took my marriage vows seriously & I did everything I could for her.
I utterly detest any person who turns against the one they married in ill health.

Well, I have direct, lived experience of the OP's situation (as an earlier couple of posts on the thread might suggest). And the 'it's caused by your mind'/'it's caused by your diet' magical thinking is exactly the sort of stuff that fuelled my ex's abuse of me.

Strangely enough, whilst being out of the abusive situation made me happier it did absolutely bugger all to cure me of my autoimmune disease, whereas undergoing biologic therapy, steroids, physio, assorted braces and aids, hydrotherapy and relying upon science did put me into remission.

So I do feel that tapping into the 'It's your fault, you've convinced yourself that you're sick/you've become sick because of your mind/eat or don't eat whatever some charlatan with a book to sell has punted as the magical solution to disease' is extremely offensive, as well as being utter codswallop.

#@Meridean

You need to get as much support from whatever charties organisations out there that are beneficial to yourself and also adult social services for extra alternative support for yourself,

There's some charties organisations can provide support such as support worker too who can come and vist you and help you to complete official forms such as benefits entitled to etc.

He sounds awful.

He sounds like a total waste of oxygen. If he continues, I'd seriously consider speaking to the police, as this sounds very much like coercive control and abuse as well as downright nastiness.

Given that you don't have a diagnosis yet, he should be treating you with kid gloves and helping you rest as much as possible.

He's an uncaring bastard and no apology would ever make this right.

This

You deserve better OP.

Your posts are so sad OP. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

He isn’t a very nice man. If he’s always ignored you when you’ve been ill then that’s a clear indication that he resents you and he resents having to pull his weight.

A caring and supporting husband would not force his wife to do anything that would cause her stress or pain.

Do you have support from other family or friends? I hope so. I hope you gather courage to leave him or him ask to leave, because this is no way to live.

Even if he just truly believed you were being lazy, or there is nothing wrong with you. this is still abuse.

It is NOT his right or his place to berate, harass and try to terrorise you into compliance because you lay down or didn't want to do a task, regardless of the reason.

This is abuse. Please find someone to help you.

This is awful behaviour OP.
He wants to always be the star of the show and he cant tolerate anything that takes the focus away from him. He wants you in the role of slave with no will of her own.
He sounds primitive and childlike, unable to view you as a separate person, you exist only as an extension of him.

Remind him of “ In sickness and in health “. Or ask him if he prefers to leave and find another wife

This is horrific.

I can't imagine behaving so cruel.

Unless you are a hoarder and he's at the end of his rope, i can't even imagine why he's mad to begin with.

And even then that is NOT an excuse to be an abusive asshole.

What an jerk.

He's an abusive bully.

You don't need to put up with this

Do something you've never done before. Get rid of him

@Meridean sorry that this is happening to you, both decline in physical ability and DH reaction. You need someone who will fight your corner and show some compassion.

Perhaps you could show him some literature on it?

When I was trying to decide whether to leave ex I asked him if he'd stay with me if I became ill. He said no and I walked off silently thinking about it.