DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

Regardless of any other context/ circumstances, this behaviour is abusive, and you are being dismissive and undermining OP's concerns.

If my husband behaved this way towards me in any circumstance, even just one single time, I would leave him.

Decent people do not behave this way.

Even if this is the only time it's ever happened, it is enough.

OP, you really do need to get out of this relationship.

Because I don’t know him I will be generous and say I would suggest counselling for him but honestly…. What do you think he’s going to be like when your older?
and honestly I’ve met men who also can’t handle their own health issues if they arise and become really really nasty and horrible people to live with every single day because they are so angry at their own condition.
do you want this for the rest of your life?

There were MANY other things at play, but this was one of the reasons I left my DH.

He would categorically NOT be able to take on any notion that I was unwell.

Ever.

OP - just take a think about your relationship going forward. Keep an open mind.

He is mean and nasty and showing his true colours. Lock him in the attic and see how he feels.
He should be more understanding instead of acting like an army sergeant.
This would turn me right off of him. Is he always so uncaring if you need anything or if the attention taken off of him.

When decluttering there are three piles. Keep, Donate, Bin.

Put him in the bin pile, do not recycle him, unfair to others.

He sounds like a twat, you deserve better.

Bag him up with your old clothes & throw him out.

Honestly whether you’re disabled or not at all treating someone like this is disgusting & unacceptable.

This, is what a healthy relationship should look like. Your husband does not live or care for you behaving in this dreadful manner. Please leave him, he won't get any better.

Oh my, he's being abusive towards you. He is so angry that you're now disabled. You have to separate. Imagine what he'll be like when you're older and infirm? He's going to get alot worse.

Talk to your GP about your ability vs DH's expectations (i.e. log his abusive behavior) and see if GP agrees that you're just not able anymore.

Then leave the fucker. Seriously. I know you don't feel great now but god forbid you get another debilitating illness, lifelong condition or cancer, how will H behave then? Don't be on your deathbed wishing you'd left him while he yells at you.

I've been diagnosed in the last year or so which makes me disabled and have had huge skill regression. My DH has been nothing but supportive.

Your H needs a kick up the arse.

Yeah he thinks you’re at it. What you described is horrendous - you don’t need this at any time but especially when you’re unwell.

Since you’ve started clearing out the rubbish, I suggest you also bag him up and drop him off at the dump. Seriously OP - this is abuse and it will only wear you down even more. 💐

Your husband doesn't want to be married to someone who's health restricts their activity. Most people probably wouldn't given the choice, but love for the person and basic decency means they adjust and treat their partner with kindness. Your husband appears unwilling or unable to do this and in his frustration he is abusing you. I'm not sure there is a way forward (or back) from this. Because even if he has a light bulb moment and realises how appalling his behaviour is and changes, could you forgive him for it?

You are an appliance, you have broken down and it is inconvenient for him as he is now having to shoulder more of the household things you used to do. Some men do treat their wives this way.

Mine has forked out a few hundred pounds this month for me to have acupuncture at home to see if that will help alleviate some of my symptoms. I stopped working 20 years ago when it was obvious that working was robbing me of a life.

I was out of action for a year or so. In the run up to diagnosis I was really struggling to function, then it was given a name by the GP. ExDH made no allowances for me, he just couldn’t take on board when I told him how dreadful I felt.
he did come with me to see the consultant who spelt out categorically what I was allowed to do (basically nothing until I recovered). This he listened to, probably because the consultant was a man with an important job and an office.

His attitude towards your disability will be impacting your health too, OP. Yes, your health has deteriorated somewhat, but I can guarantee it wouldn't be so tiring if there wasn't someone bullying and demeaning you at every step. The impact negative mental health has on physical health is massive.

Focus on you, getting the rest you need and deserve to ensure you can live to the best of your ability with your disability. Get rid of him, OP. You will find it hard at first, then so much better thereafter. Good luck.

Are you having h counselling op? Dealing with a cruel husband whilst simultaneously dealing with a potential life long disability is a lot for anyone to cope with. I recommend you organise some support outside of your home.

Wow. What a twat. So sorry your dealing with this OP and i hope further treatment helps.
Can you leave him? i appreciate it's not so simple but he really is awful treating you this way and you don't deserve it. Even if you were fully able bodied your entitled to a rest!

Yes, this. Don't fall into the trap of thinking if only you could make him understand how much pain you're in, his behaviour would change. It won't. Start the Freedom Programme as soon as you can and get free.

Have you got anywhere you can go for the next few days until he goes back to work? Family members? Friends? Can you afford a cheap hotel/AirBnB.

He is hideous.

Leave him op you deserve better. My DH is classed as disabled and some days can't dress himself. Id never ever act how your DH is with you. He's being a cruel twat. It's not that you don't want to do X y and x you physically can't. I imagine if it were the shoe on the other foot he would be expecting all the sympathy in the world

The fact you can still walk several miles and still sort through bags for 6 hours is amazing!
I can walk miles because it’s low intensity, but I struggle with high intensity activities, and I have constant pain and twitching. The doctors can’t find anything wrong with me so I’m on a long waiting list to see a specialist.

If I’m unable to do something, DH scoffs and says there’s nothing wrong with me, even the doctors can’t find anything wrong, so I need to get over it because it’s clearly all in my head.

Is there anybody, a parent maybe or even a close and trusted friend, who can have a word with him that he'll accept advice from.

Just a suggestion.

This is actually awful - my daughter has health issues arising from a life threatening illness and the thought of someone treating her like this well I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.
It actually makes me sad the thought of you trying to bag up clothes while someone is standing over you shouting at you.
You need to leave this man, it's understandable that considering your health the prospect of not being with him maybe scarier than being either him but you deserve to live your life in peace and concentrate on your health.

Interesting 🤔 any response to this??@Meridean

If this situation is real, I’d say it doesn’t matter if your husband thinks you’re disabled or not. He shouldn’t be standing over you ordering you to finish a task like he’s an old school manager in a factory or you’re a naughty child or something.

And as an aside, I’m always amazed at how some women don’t seem to realise that their partner lacking empathy is a really serious issue until they fall ill or go through some kind of crisis. Just on another thread recently I just saw a woman effectively say that was just his “personality” which she needs to accept and kind of shrug it off. Personality or not it’s a massive red flag.

I think you need to leave him. If he's saying that it's all in your head then he's crossed the line into abuse.

He sounds absolutely horrible. What do you think your life without him would look like?