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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

231 replies

Meridean · 04/04/2024 16:35

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

OP posts:
PearlShark · 04/04/2024 19:28

if he’s always been somewhat like that then perhaps he’s part of what made you sick in the first place.. There are apparently big connections between trauma abuse and autoimmune diseases .

I would say use this as your sign to reevaluate diet lifestyle and the person you’ve chosen to share your space with. If you feel like you live on eggshells with him then your cortisol (stress hormone) is likely through the roof and this will only lower your immune system and make matters worse.

if it’s something you think about often.. leave him. From experience the initial pain of leaving an abusive partner is truly nothing compared to the joy that comes when you work on and find yourself again. Wishing you all the best whatever your decide to do.

AgentJohnson · 04/04/2024 19:29

So he’s always been an arsehole but your ability to recover made it easier for you to ignore.

This is who he is and has always been, you can’t keep pretending he isn’t.

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2024 19:43

Meridean · 04/04/2024 18:16

He’s never been supportive when I’ve been ill, he would just ignore me. But now he’s being downright nasty because I’m not physically able. I think because he doesn’t believe there’s actually anything wrong with me.

No. That's what he WANTS you to think.
So that you waste time and energy trying to explain that you are ill. Trying to justify why he should respect you.

STOP.

It's all part of a con he is running.
Trapping you on a merry go round of "if only I could find the right words to make him understand"

He KNOWS you are ill. He.just.doesnt.care.

Don't fall into his trap of having to explain your illness to him again and again. He gets it. He just doesn't want you to know he gets it.

That way you keep thinking if he would understand, he would be empathetic. He does understand. He just doesn't have empathy. Because he's an abusive shit.

Step off the merry go round.

Jeannie88 · 04/04/2024 20:05

Whack him all over his body with a baseball bat, inject some female hormones and stand over him asking why he can't continue the work? Sorry, harsh I know, my dark humour. Xx

Lubilu02 · 04/04/2024 20:06

Hi, im sorry to hear you're having a difficult time.

I have a family member in a similar situation to yours and it breaks my heart quite frankly to hear about them being treated the way that they are. All I can do it be supportive and lift their spirits from the outside.

Out of interest how does he tolerate being unwell? Does he soldier on or actually rest until he's better?

Don't feel bad for needing to rest when you do. It's about listening to your body and knowing your limitations, that's what a smart person does. Not running yourself into the ground and spending days recovering trying to get back to 'normal', all for the sake of pleasing someone else! X

WarshipRocinante · 04/04/2024 20:07

It’s well documented that when women become disabled, their husbands more often than not will leave them or start treating them like this. Unfortunately, you now know that your husband is one of those men. Your marriage is over. This is who he is.

Coldupnorth87 · 04/04/2024 20:11

You'll probably feel better in a calm, relaxed home.

Kick him out.

Noseybookworm · 04/04/2024 20:12

He sounds like a nasty bully OP 😔 do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone so nasty?

CatherineofAmazon · 04/04/2024 20:12

The way he is treating you is not on at all. He’s a nasty bully.
Would you consider leaving him?
Things will not get any better. For your own well-being you really should think about your future with that abusive git.

JohnSt1 · 04/04/2024 20:13

Meridean · 04/04/2024 16:35

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

This is abuse. There's no other way to put it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're disabled and "it's convenient"? Standing over you and being nasty when you're not well is vile. Bullying a sick woman is absolutely appalling.

Again I'm so sorry to that you have to live like this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/04/2024 20:13

PearlShark · 04/04/2024 19:28

if he’s always been somewhat like that then perhaps he’s part of what made you sick in the first place.. There are apparently big connections between trauma abuse and autoimmune diseases .

I would say use this as your sign to reevaluate diet lifestyle and the person you’ve chosen to share your space with. If you feel like you live on eggshells with him then your cortisol (stress hormone) is likely through the roof and this will only lower your immune system and make matters worse.

if it’s something you think about often.. leave him. From experience the initial pain of leaving an abusive partner is truly nothing compared to the joy that comes when you work on and find yourself again. Wishing you all the best whatever your decide to do.

Paragraph 1 is bollocks.

Paragraph 2 is utter, offensive bollocks AND biologically bullshit for autoimmune disease, as it's the immune system going overboard and identifying human issue as an invader that needs to be destroyed that's the problem, not it being 'lower'.

Paragraph 3, though - that's spot on. However bad this seems when thinking about it, it is so much better without them in your face actively torturing you 24/7.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/04/2024 20:15

Meridean · 04/04/2024 18:16

He’s never been supportive when I’ve been ill, he would just ignore me. But now he’s being downright nasty because I’m not physically able. I think because he doesn’t believe there’s actually anything wrong with me.

I think in this case I'd explain to him that you're now physically disabled, could you take him to the doctor/consultant and have him sit in on the appointment?

If he doesn't significantly improve after this, and give him a timescale, then I'll start divorce and separation proceedings and tell him exactly why (or the divorce lawyer) you're doing this.

My DM was diagnosed in her mid 50s or just before 60 with rheumatoid arthritis after 2 falls. She was an extremely health and active woman before this and still is very healthy and active now. My stepdad who's younger than her by 10 years had to come to terms with the fact that there were certain things she couldn't do now, had to give up alcohol and change her diet over time to avoid flare ups. He also had to step up at first by getting a cleaner and later cleaning for her (she can do light housework), they now have someone who comes every week for a few hours. I think at first he did get slightly irritated and frustrated at what she could and couldn't do and that she also had to have a knee operation but he had to very quickly support her or else I think she might have considered separating from him. Luckily he stepped up and is now very accommodating and caring, as it should be in a relationship.

alterego2 · 04/04/2024 20:16

Frith2013 · 04/04/2024 16:36

Leave him.

I'm afraid this says it all

Papyrophile · 04/04/2024 20:16

Easy and cheap to say LTB. But what do you do and where do you go forward? How disabled have you become, and how quickly? I'm 67 and not quite as quick as I was last year. But so far, I can do everything I did last year, a little bit slower.

MarionMarion · 04/04/2024 20:18

1- you are still physically able. But not as able as you were before
(For me not being physically able means you can’t cook at all, you can’t work, can’t go for a walk, even a half a mile long etc….)

2- no he doesn’t believe you. Doesn’t believe you can’t do things. Having gone through something similar, the only way it started to sink in for dh is when I actually stopped pushing myself and went to bed instead. Before that, he saw me doing things so assumed I was wasn’t that bad. He only thought it was serious when I acted ill, aka went to bed.

3- the bullying is unacceptable. Unfortunately it might end up with either you saying you have enough or him leaving because he can’t cope with you not doing as much h as before.

Barney16 · 04/04/2024 20:21

If I was exhausted and lying or sleeping on the sofa DH would bring me a blanket. That's what you want OP. Not a twatty bully. Tell him to pack himself off.

itsjustbiology · 04/04/2024 20:22

I would blow a fuse and embarrass him so much he would never dare question me again. Loose your shit and get him told. Do nothing you do not want to or feel able to do and do not feel guilty about it.

Papyrophile · 04/04/2024 20:22

He sounds dreadful but not having read the full thread and (honestly not going to) I cannot offer advice.

MarionMarion · 04/04/2024 20:24

@NeverDropYourMooncup im chronically ill. Stress is making me much worse. Actually any (esp negative) emotion does that.
So yes living with someone who doesn’t believe you etc… can make you much worse.
In the same way, we know trauma (any type of trauma, so that including emotional trauma) can be the trigger for illnesses.

Now I’m not saying that, let’s say an auto immune disease, is ONLY a psychological illness that can be cured with <insert ‘therapy’ of choice from CBT, LTB etc…>. Far from it.
But living in an environment supportive of healing helps. And living in a stressful/traumatic environment like an abusive one is detrimental.

Hatty65 · 04/04/2024 20:27

Horribly abusive. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone this unpleasant?

I'm disabled and my DH is always kind, always sympathetic and does a lot for me. He doesn't blame me for a condition I cannot help. My ex Dh, on the other hand, was like the nasty prick you are a married to.

therealcookiemonster · 04/04/2024 20:30

the only solution is a new patio
I have a guy ..... very discrete

in all seriousness though OP. LTB

I have Lupus and went from martial arts nutjob training every spare moment to bed bound unable to even turn door handles.

you need supportive people around you when dealing with this. I was single but had such lovely friends around me who got me through the toughest of times.

Remagirl · 04/04/2024 20:34

Why are you still with him. If your disability gets worse and your health declines he'll up his abuse.

Papyrophile · 04/04/2024 20:34

This reply has been deleted

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Papyrophile · 04/04/2024 20:35

A nice patio is a good option though.

justasking111 · 04/04/2024 20:36

Meridean · 04/04/2024 18:16

He’s never been supportive when I’ve been ill, he would just ignore me. But now he’s being downright nasty because I’m not physically able. I think because he doesn’t believe there’s actually anything wrong with me.

My husband has struggled with this. I discussed it with my physiotherapist who had heard it all before.

I've all the notes, letters from the consultant including a disc from him showing my lumbar region and hip. I've had steroids injected into my spine. He hates it. Actually said that the consultant lied to get money out of me.

My physiotherapist said to break my day up into tasks three maximum. Some days it might be two, bad days one. I've told him that and I'm sticking to it.

Sorry @Meridean