DH won’t accept that I’m disabled now

[Meridean]

I used to be reasonably fit. I danced and jogged etc. But about a year ago I developed a health issue which causes muscular pain, burning and twitching. With the help of physio I’ve recovered enough to be able to walk several miles if I take it easy, but I can’t do anything more intensive. I’m waiting for a hospital referral for further treatment.

This week we’re off work and DH has decided we should finally clear the loft and spare bedroom. He is bullying me constantly because I can’t keep up with the pace. On Monday I spent six hours sorting through boxes, and on Tuesday I could barely move so I just lay in bed all day. His behaviour that day was ridiculous, yelling at me and bullying me because my muscles hurt.

Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough. This morning I spent two hours bagging toys for the charity shop, then I had a sandwich and fell asleep on the sofa because I was worn out. DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

It’s too much, I can’t cope with the level of physical activity he wants me to do. I’ve told him I’m disabled now, and he said “Convenient isn’t it! Now you don’t have to do anything!” He’s being so nasty and honestly I just don’t know how to get him to understand that I can’t do what I used to.

If this is how he is now, it'll likely be so much worse if and when your condition deteriorates. And you will feel like shit and want to do more than your body is capable of. Vicious circle. He isn't in your corner. This is who he is, OP. Ignore to your detriment.

This is probably harsh. Unfortunately, I speak from painful experience. Look after yourself and your health.

He sounds nasty.

If you stay with him how do you think it would play out when you are both old and retired? 🫤

I hope you get yourself sorted. I had something for a year and a half that made me feel awful. My joints ached all the time although I didn't feel ill as such. I had various tests but in the end it just suddenly disappeared on its own. If my joints hadn't been swollen I'd have worried it was psychosomatic.

Consider what you would say if it was your mother or sister being abused and treated with contempt because they are disabled?

It’s bad enough living with such a limiting disability to have to endure his cruelty as well must be unbearable. One has to wonder what he would do if you were bedbound or worse. I strongly suggest you make plans to divorce him whilst you still can.

It doesn’t matter if he does or not - whether you’re physically disabled or mentally overwhelmed or just want a blinking break (because that’s what annual leave is for), that’s your choice and your right. He should support you in that. He’s your partner not your dad or your fucking drill sergeant.

I have never, ever said this on MN, I don’t think, but you deserve more so please, please - tell him he’s out of order, maintain that boundary if he refuses to behave acceptably and leave him if he continues. You are worth more than this.

As someone who is disabled and still lives with their ex-DH as he serves as my quasi-caretaker, I can tell you that this will never get better.

My ex-DH had many shortcomings, obviously, but he never treated me like shit about being ill or indicated he disbelieved me or ignored me about my illness. And I’ve never seen anyone who had a DH that did those things manage to “change” him - this very much falls under the category of someone showing you who they are, and you needing to believe it. He showed you during all the minor illnesses when he was never supportive and just ignored you, and now that it really matters, he’s reached the point of being verbally and emotionally abusive.

I think you need to sit down with him, ASAP, and say that his anger is making it clear he doesn’t want a disabled wife, and regardless of what he thinks, a whole team of medical professionals (your GP, a specialist, the physio) all agree his wife IS disabled, so something has to change and it has to change now. Either he accepts that he has a disabled wife, possibly with the help of counseling, or you dissolve the marriage. That’s it. But you can’t be married to someone who both denies a fundamental truth about you, and is abusive about their denial.

Leave

Horrible man. I know two marriages that ended when the wife got a serious illness and the husband turned really really horrible. There’s no repairing things if this is his honest reaction and not a short-lived panic of some kind that he apologises for soon.

Oh @Meridean

Please read this back and pretend you are reading it about someone else.
What advice would you give her?

Do you have children? Are you on the mortgage?

Do yo have somewhere to go?

Because not one thing you have written makes me thing you should stay one more minute with this selfish abusive twat.

Good luck

Leave him. I’m disabled now after being relatively healthy and my dh has bent over backwards to help as much as he can. He even tells me to not do things when I try because he doesn’t want to see me in pain

There are generations of men who the 'sickness and in health' element of vows was to be for their benefit. He clearly never envisioned it was him that needed to support you.

He's now punishing you for making his life more difficult because how dare you not exist to support him.

What you've described is serious emotional and physical abuse I actually think a police report would be taken seriously.

Kick him out before he lines up a new woman. Because I reckon that's what he will be doing.

Doesn't stop him doing it, it just makes it easier on you not to be abused by him in the meantime - and gets rid of the 'I'm imprisoned as an abused carer/she's made it up to trap me/it's all Munchausen's, you know' bollocks that some woman will fall for. Also means that he can't empty savings and will already be paying maintenance/presumably seeing any children, so puts some of his targets off.

"Yesterday he was standing over me with his arms folded while I bagged clothes, complaining that I wasn’t fast enough"

Oh ffs what did his last servant die of ??

He's a bully and you need to rethink your relationship.

@Meridean what would happen if you just said, no I’m not doing any more, I’m too tired? Would he shout? Or physically force you? Or nothing?

I don’t think there’s an alternative action to LTB here OP.

Sounds like he has no patience or empathy for any kind of illness and he’ll be exceptionally cruel about it always.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor. Start getting organised.

In the meantime tell him he is never to talk to you like this again or he can leave. Tell him you won’t be doing any unnecessary household tasks that are tiring. Make sure friends and family know what you are dealing with and would be prepared to come over when you sit him down and tell him these things, setting out the new house rules, until you can separate.

I’m sorry he’s such a twat
💐

Oh - has he informed you yet that

1. You're pretending
2. It's all in your mind
3. You made this happening by pretending and now your body believes it
4. You'll cure yourself by exercise and diet
5. BIG PHARMA has made you believe it when your treatment caused it in the first place
6. He's too young to have to care for an Old Woman
7. You're abusing him

?

It's a variation on The Script.

Your DH is behaving appallingly - it maybe that he's scared and out of his depth but he is out of order taking it out on you.
Try not to let him bully you into going beyond your capabilities - I know easier said than done, but he has got to start learning about this life changing time for you both.
I suffer from suspected chronic fatigue and my DH is picking up as much slack as he can. Particularly tough ATM as he is recovering from a serious injury. He makes me go and rest at times when I am just trying to keep going.

He sounds horrendous. How would he react if a child of his became disabled? What would he expect of you if the roles were reversed?

I am also disabled, but my partner is the most supportive and empathetic person, taking on far more than his fair share during my worst days.

You have enough on your plate without this abusive treatment. You deserve much, much more.

As someone who also has quite debilitating illnesses, you deserve better.

Navigating these illnesses is hard enough without that sort of treatment - having a supportive partner is what will get you through.

Easier said than done, but know your worth and kick him out.

@Meridean massive squishes. But he’s already shown you glimpses of how he will treat you when you’ve been ill. This is him. This is the real him you are seeing. Know that when you are at your worst. When you need him the most as a partner. He does not have your back.

he won’t change.

this won’t get better.

how could you ever trust him again?

start getting your ducks in a row and make an exit plan.

Any chance he could be ensuring a clear out because he is forming plans for a life change, so he has the urgency right now to sort it right now as opposed to before or later?
Can you tell him you didn't take a week off work to be his slave, then book a few days away just for you ?- better still, I'd be tempted to sneak off for a few days and text him when there, as a done deal. He's obnoxious and he deserves it.

I developed rheumatoid arthritis relatively young, and it causes similar symptoms to yours OP. It also causes tiredness and the meds cause side effects. My DH has taken on board everything connected with it and has been more than supportive. Your DH is supposed to be the one person you can rely on for unconditional love and support and he’s not stepping up. Could be he’s afraid of it or he hasn’t come to terms with it yet, but whatever his problem he needs to get over it and support you.

Can you get him some literature about your condition ? Would he be willing to go to the hospital with you so he can have first hand information, or could you see your GP together so he’s clearer on what comes next ?

lf he’s not willing to do any of these things then you need to tell him how you feel - show him this thread and the replies. Ultimately if he can’t support you, you really do need to rethink the relationship because he’s started down the road of bullying you to try to get you to do things you know will result in pain and distress. You need to find out why so you can decide how to move forward.

This is a clear indicator that he sees you as being there to fulfil his needs.

Where is the care for you in that?

Please don't allow yourself to be bullied in these difficult times. It must have been so hard for you to have gone from fit and able to disabled in such a short period of time. He should be helping you to adapt, not making screaming demands that you cannot carry out.

I bet he's pathetic when he's ill, is he? And you run around for him, making sure he's ok?

Please consider your options, going forward. It sounds like you are not going to get full fitness back and he's not going to change his attitude so you might be better off getting away from him.

I do hope you have supportive friends and family, OP.

You deserve so much better.

He is rye opposite of what a partner should be

It's because you are a household appliance /support human that has had the audacity to malfunction, and he's angry about that.

I can bet he would expect you to be patient and loving towards him if he were ill...but given as you're a woman, you don't deserve this. When you married him, you just didn't realise that you had signed up to be his support/service human, and now he's angry that you've violated that agreement. He's trying to make sure that his household appliance will keep working by giving it a kick.

I'm sorry you had to find out that he was this type. You're not alone.

DH woke me up and yelled at me for being lazy, saying we haven’t taken a week off work just for me to laze around.

Do you work together @Meridean ?